The Haunting: How To Conquer The Shame Of Being A Writer

Photograph by Allan Amato

The question is where to begin. One option is last autumn, when I was walking the dog past a construction site where a half dozen masons were third-floor-high, standing on scaffolding, laying bricks. A single hod carrier was mixing mortar on the ground and running it up a ladder, along the scaffolds, to each of the masons. His looked like the job you give the newbie: an apprenticeship where you learn the value of fresh, perfectly mixed mortar. The hod carrier never stopped moving, always lugging something heavy. While I watched, one of the masons shouted to him. Balanced at the top of the scaffolding, he shouted down, “Way to go, dude! I love the way you keep the mud alive!”

I love the way you keep the mud alive. The balance of those vowels sounds, and the way the words are so paired: love with mud, I with alive, the with… the. My head repeated the words all afternoon. They’ve been echoing in my mind since that day, almost a year ago. These days the building is finished. The tenants are a take-out pizza place, a head shop, a Pita Pit and an H & R Block. The bricklayers left months ago, but that sentence lingers. It haunts me.

Long before any of us would ever hear the name Syd Field, we’d watched the same movies often enough to dissect how each story worked.

Another place to start this essay is Dallas, Texas, a couple years back, when I was on a book tour. My aunt and some cousins live near Dallas, and the night before my event at the art museum, we had dinner. After a couple drinks, my aunt announced that she owed me an apology. It seems that when I was a teenager, no one in our extended family thought I would amount to very much in life. Throughout high school, none of my relatives could fathom why I didn’t get a decent job. By that they meant a job in a warehouse, or on a farm, doing labor like the labor my family had always done. From the age of sixteen until I graduated from high school I worked at a movie theater, eventually as an assistant manager, but always doing whatever work was needed. Tearing tickets, ushering, selling concessions or running the projectors. In retrospect, everyone I worked with was a teenaged misfit who found that a nighttime job was easier than a high school social life. We’d watch the same movies a hundred times. No kidding, but our smallest auditorium – we had three – ran the movie “Grease” for over two years. The print was so worn that it broke at least once every showing. After closing each night, at one in the morning, even with school the next day, we’d sometimes sit in a large circle on the lobby carpet, my misfit coworkers and I, and play a game we called “Box Office.” One person would invent the premise for a film plot, the next person would have to invent the first plot point, the person after that would add a new plot point. The story traveled around the circle with the plot gaining tension as it progressed from person to person. To play well, one had to remember all of the past plot points and riff off of them. To revisit objects and events which had been introduced long before, then almost forgotten. To us this was a game, a way to postpone returning to our everyday lives. But it was also an excellent exercise in storytelling. Long before any of us would ever hear the name Syd Field, we’d watched the same movies often enough to dissect how each story worked. We’d memorized the roadmap of every Romantic Comedy. The cute meet-ups, the complications and introduction of obstacles. The job paid minimum wage, $3.25 per hour at the time, and it was fun and exhausting and challenging, but it wasn’t work. At least not according to my family. Not that I knew this at the time.

This is why I love plot twists, hidden aspects of reality that suddenly force you to reevaluate your history and identity. While I thought everything was just peachy on the home front, according to my aunt I was the butt of endless jokes. Minimum wage was for losers. Even a job pumping gas paid five dollars an hour. Hammering together pallets at the pallet mill paid eight. My family was kind enough to keep their jokes hidden, but my aunt’s confession wasn’t a complete surprise.

While I’d never admit it, I’ve always harbored a shame about wanting to write. Even fictional characters who aspired to the same goal made me squirm with unease. Every Thursday night, as we watched the television series The Waltons, I waited in dread for the inevitable scene where Richard Thomas’ character would talk, rant, whine, shout or type feverishly about wanting to become a professional writer. The weekly outburst always came as some version of “With all these noisy kids distracting me, I’ll never be a writer!” Or, “Daddy, now I’ll never get to go to Boatwright College and become a writer!” Each tantrum made me shudder. To me writing wasn’t real work. And anyone who thought it was, he’d never really grow up. John-Boy Walton’s pride was my shame. I hated him for saying such impossible aspirations aloud. Such aspirations also seemed to demean the blue-collar folk who had to tolerate listening to them.

Shame on me for wanting to do something so worthless. Shame on me for not accepting the life my family lived. Shame on me for shaming them. 

You’d think the future would vindicate me, as it did Earl Hamner, Jr. Here I was, decades later, sitting in a fancy restaurant in Dallas, buying dinner for relatives as my aunt kindly and honestly admitted my family was wrong when they’d predicted my eventual failure at a silly pastime. Nevertheless there it was: the shame.

It wasn’t until I read Mark McGurl’s book, The Program Era, that I saw how my shame might be the shame of every writer. To generalize, McGurl cites this perception that writing isn’t worthwhile labor as the reason why writing programs have taught it as a craft, in workshops, stressing discipline and craftsmanship, always in an effort to legitimize this silly, shameful pastime.

While I’d never admit it, I’ve always harbored a shame about wanting to write. Even fictional characters who aspired to the same goal made me squirm with unease.

What a wonder to see that secret feeling expressed in print. My shame is everyone’s shame. It’s obscene to enjoy something this much and still call it work. My own training wasn’t the grind that McGurl describes. Tom Spanbauer, who still teaches writing in his home on Thursday nights, Tom managed to make our weekly workshop feel more like a party. However, when he described the actual process of writing, even he called it “Going down into the mine.” Creating a first draft was “Shitting out the lump of coal.” More no-fun metaphors. As if to make the work even more difficult, he taught a style of writing often called Minimalism, a style that brings with it a seemingly endless series of rules: Latinate words are forbidden, as are abstract measurements, adverbs, pejorative language, received text or conceptual “thought” verbs. In short, no six-foot-tall men, or 100-degree days, or ugly dresses or “remembering” or “realizing” anything. It is the Trappist sect of writing. Difficult, squared. If anything comes easily you’re doing it wrong. So of course I loved it. At last, writing was real work.

What’s more, even if you’re a devote Modernist, there’s still the icky remorse around writing. Even if your work sells to millions. Last year, at the Chateau Marmot, over dinner and drinks, lots of drinks, the thriller writer Chelsea Cain copped to the fact that in her greatest moments of insight and epiphany, she’s almost always alone. It doesn’t help that writing is solitary. There are no co-workers. No chain gang or teammates. Chateau Marmot or not, she’d acknowledged a sad truth about our vocation. That said, there are small consolations. Chelsea had hurt her leg, and the next day a movie star helped her with her crutches. 

What’s more, I’m glad my aunt apologized thirty years after those inside family jokes.

Most of all, my thanks will always go out to Patrick McGurl for saying the un-sayable. Acknowledging the big shame. It almost vanishes once you realize everyone – except John-Boy Walton – shares that feeling.

The only time the shame returns, just for a twinge, is when I see people doing “real” work. Like running mortar up and down ladders. Or laying brick on a scorching hot day. But even then, someone says something incredible, a sentence that needs to be collected and preserved. Even if it’s only one sentence and doesn’t even make sense out of context. Even if it’s just beautiful.

 I love the way you keep the mud alive. There it is. My job, such as it is, is done.

*Header photo by Allan Amato


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Comments

Dannisith's picture
Dannisith November 28, 2017 - 4:40am

I'm ashamed, and doubtful in my writing ability. I procrastinate on due essays because I feel like if I tried, and put effort into them, they would seem silly and as if written by a freshman in highschool rather than a senior in highschool or freshman in college.

Cam_petrie's picture
Cam_petrie from canada is reading Foxes by Dewey Gram October 1, 2017 - 4:10pm

I don't have shame as much as I have doubt when it comes to writing. But this could be because of my job, and I mostly write after work hours. 

However,  I have signed up for my first writing course, and it's promising hard work. I feel the prospect of hard work makes doubting difficult, despite my fear of it.

 

Teagan Tiganovic's picture
Teagan Tiganovic April 21, 2017 - 8:27am

I love the way you you keep the mud alive ? 

Mud is not alive , its wet  I love the way you water the grass , with your fat ass  is better N'est pas ? Stop procrastinating and just write your ass off

it doesn't matter if you are published or not ! If you are then there are   other  embarrassing follow up questions  "Oh " you are only a self published ? Is that like cheating ? What kind of writer are you ? Don't ever feel bad what you do !  

That is probably why you are a writer and not a butcher .

Anyone can do that !  A writer becomes an author of a manuscript  that   Is  a published book 

and if your are not picked up by the Top 5       Then what ?

Have no shame ,just write keep on writing.

Dariana Sosa's picture
Dariana Sosa from Mexico is reading Junot Díaz "This Is How You Lose Her" February 28, 2017 - 4:51pm

This is very relatable. Most of my family doesn't know I write and that I want to publish my works. It feels shameful to say it. I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels like this, that even successful writers feel it too.

Dreadnaught's picture
Dreadnaught from Australia January 12, 2017 - 4:16am

Great read - Can definitely relate to this.

NerdWriter's picture
NerdWriter from Missouri is reading Foreign Devils by John Hornor Jacobs \0/ September 24, 2016 - 12:17pm

It's really embarrassing when you say you're a writer and people ask, "Can I read your books?" and you have to admit they haven't been published yet.  And then they look at you like (or even say), If you were a real writer, you'd be published.  

In your mind, you know it's not true--you are a writer.  But you have days when you really do have to keep telling yourself that.  

sved's picture
sved from france, malaysia and industrial design is reading the storytelling book _ Anthony Tasgal August 15, 2016 - 5:32pm

thanks for this

miraculousmeaningless's picture
miraculousmeani... from Washburn, WI is reading your mind February 13, 2016 - 1:00pm

I have been thinking about this a lot recently. Culturally we shame artists of all mediums, unless they make a lot of money. But income is hardly the measure of artistic merit. I am sure that I have personally met dozens of writers who are better than Dan Brown or Stephanie Meier, and they're all tending bar and building homes and wiping butts and so on. People take art for granted, but who doesn't constantly consume art? Who doesn't listen to music every day? But how often has every artist been told "don't quit your day job." I heard that in Ireland, if you are any kind of artist, you straight-up don't have to pay any taxes. Robert McKee says that stories are equipment for living. I really believe that. I think that in this rapidly changing world, we desperately need to establish some new narratives that can equip us to cope. Stories change the world, they change lives. I read Fight Club when I was sixteen and it changed my life. I wanted to be a writer. I joined the old Writer's Cult around 2005. I'm still writing now, but the shame of it has beaten the living shit out of me time and again. Last year I was so upset about my shame as a writer that I couldn't complete a single story. For almost a year, I threw every single thing out. I have a Moleskine notebook that I tore almost every page out of. It has like 20 pages left in it because that's how much I hated everything else.

I think that artists are an oppressed group, and like all oppressed groups, it's incredibly hard for us to battle shame, to be proud of what we do. On top of that, I feel like most of my writing is deconstructive, a critique of the establishment. I've gotten into the construction industry to compensate. It feels good to look at something you've built and say "I did that." It's so much harder than that with writing, especially when most folks seem not to realize its value.

We should be proud that we are writers, especially proud in spite of the prejudice we face.
 

edit: And Chuck, if you are reading this, THANK YOU.

edit again: Took mumbling this to myself half the day while I mixed mud for a tile job in Wakefield, MI to realize it was iambic pentameter. Hah! I LOVE THE WAY YOU KEEP THE MUD ALIVE.

 

Zach Jansen's picture
Zach Jansen from United States is reading the newspaper over some guy's shoulder on the bus. January 28, 2016 - 10:04am

Encouraging.  Thanks.

dollface993's picture
dollface993 from Detroit is reading As many craft essays as I can find September 2, 2015 - 4:18am

I had totally forgotten how humiliated John boy made me feel during every whining outburst he had. How my father sneered at writers, saying, "pushing a pencil isn't work." How embarrassed I felt, since all of my talent was inexorably wrapped in art. "Artists starve" was what my father had to say of any career goals in that direction. I know he had my best interest at heart, but it made it no easier to bear The Walton's every week whenever John boy started his tantrum again.

craft_fear's picture
craft_fear from Portland, OR is reading A Visit from the Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan July 22, 2015 - 10:15am

I only just started publicly calling myself a writer, but I still feel the need to qualify it with other things like "copy" or "and marketer" or whatever. That need to legitimize myself...that's definitely shame. Yuck.

L.W. Flouisa's picture
L.W. Flouisa from Tennessee is reading More Murakami June 17, 2015 - 8:30am

I love the way you keep the mud alive. Definitely a quote to keep around.

Though what's worse is often having to essentially relearn writing every book or so. Or at least that's been my experience.

Doug Zeigler's picture
Doug Zeigler from Binghamton, NY is reading Patient Zero by Jonathan Mayberry June 15, 2015 - 9:49am

I tend to languish over an idea, and stop myself with idiotic phrases like "What if I'm not doing this idea justice?" It is self-shame and stifling. 

Thanks for articulating the dark corners of my brain that hinder something I enjoy so very much.

jessicataylor's picture
jessicataylor from Pennsyltucky is reading Fourteen Stories, None of Them Are Yours June 13, 2015 - 1:23pm

The shame is even worse when you write erotica, even post 50 Shades. Not only am I an erotica writer but an erotic romance writer. Double shame: sex and love

Elle Nash's picture
Elle Nash is reading Battleborn by Claire Vaye Watkins June 11, 2015 - 11:25am

I'm going to be the asshole that points out it's the Chateau Marmont and not Marmot. Unless there really is a Chateau Marmot... 

Kaci Lamore's picture
Kaci Lamore from Wisconsin is reading I Know This Much is True by Wally Lamb June 8, 2015 - 5:55am

I love the way you keep the words alive.

Deets999's picture
Deets999 from Connecticut is reading Gravitys Rainbow June 7, 2015 - 2:04pm

Great stuff - this is why Chuck and LitReactor is the very best!!

Richard's picture
Richard from St. Louis is reading various anthologies June 6, 2015 - 12:44pm

Right on.

Miriam Calleja's picture
Miriam Calleja from Malta is reading various poetry books May 25, 2015 - 2:48am

I needed to read this today. Together with Amanda Palmer's 'The Art of Asking' which I'm currently reading whenever I can, these are things that connect us, that remind us why we're doing this. And how to believe that we exist (!), we are real as writers.

Thank you for soothing my post-publishing lull...

M

Thuggish's picture
Thuggish from Vegas is reading Day of the Jackal May 24, 2015 - 8:04pm

I think a lot of aspiring writers aren't ashamed so much as embarrassed.

eirikodin's picture
eirikodin from Auburn, NY is reading Mediterranean Caper by Clive Cussler May 23, 2015 - 9:43am

I get ashamed when I tell my friends to wait until I finish.

Tom1960's picture
Tom1960 from Athens, Georgia is reading Blindness by Jose Saramago May 20, 2015 - 8:31am

Good essay. The only shame I see in being a writer is all the slackers that call themselves writers even though they seldom, if ever, string a group of words together to form a sentence. Of course I'm talking about the people that use writing as a mask for an otherwise unproductive lifestyle. Too bad those folks are immune to shame.

mrrobot_18's picture
mrrobot_18 September 12, 2015 - 9:31pm

good

Luke Schamer's picture
Luke Schamer from Cincinnati, Ohio is reading "House of Leaves" May 19, 2015 - 11:23am

This resonates. I often feel bad about writing... because it's too enjoyable. 

Palahniuk is my McGurl. And now I'll have to read McGurl.