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digitalinkwell's picture

She Brings God Fire, Mere Mortals

By digitalinkwell in Teleport Us

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Mark Rish's picture
Mark Rish from Georgia is reading We are Anonymous by Parmy Olsen March 2, 2013 - 2:58pm

This is an interesting story, but I think it needs to be fleshed out more. I wanted to know more about the society. Was it an utopia or a dystopia? I like the idea of the synthetic cells, and I think a more interesting story would have explored that technology's impact on society. 

Steven Zore's picture
Steven Zore from Brooklyn, New York March 3, 2013 - 6:33am

I loved it! I thought it was fascinating! Not sure where the utopia/dystopia theme comes in tho, but thumbs up!

scifiwriterguy's picture
scifiwriterguy from Chicago, IL is reading Iscariot by Tosca Lee March 3, 2013 - 12:47pm

I like the concept quite a bit.

I would like to see a more developed protagonist. Why does she take the risks she does? What is unique to her experience that prompts her to let the fetus develop?

You might consider having Malcom in the same room with her for your opening scene. Make their disagreement "active." Then he can leave and she can stay, and decide to let the experiment run its course. I think you can create even more dramatic tension that way.

Overall a great little piece. Well done.

Kind Regards,
Nathan

scifiwriterguy's picture
scifiwriterguy from Chicago, IL is reading Iscariot by Tosca Lee March 3, 2013 - 12:50pm

Oh, and the title doesn't seem to fit the piece. I get what you're trying to communicate, but the tone of the title suggests a different, less reverential sort of story.

Mess_Jess's picture
Mess_Jess from Sydney, Australia, living in Toronto, Canada is reading Perfect by Rachael Joyce March 14, 2013 - 2:57pm

Hi Brenda,

Good to see you on Litreactor! I'm a fan of the stories you publish at Goldfish Grimm. You can tell you're a writer and an editor because this story is so polished and well written. I liked the themes of humanity and what it is that makes us human (at least, those are what I got from the story!). It reminded me of the themes in older sc-fi robot novels by Asimov and Dic, and the current pro-life arguments that abound in America. I do love a good, topical dystopian story.

My only recommendations on the story seem to have already been discussed above -- right now it reads as a vignette, not a fully developed story. The main questions I was really curious about and wanted answered I've detailed as comments in the body of your document. Aside from that, I wanted to know more about the characters, as scfiwriterguy mentioned above. Even a bit of physical detail would be useful. The "world" itself of the science lab is easy for me to picture, so I'd like the characters to be just as vivid.

I've attached my document for you.

If you feel like reading some of the stories, mine is up at http://litreactor.com/events/teleport-us/gravidism

Thanks,

Jess

klahol's picture
klahol from Stockholm, Sweden is reading Black Moon March 23, 2013 - 1:50am

I LOVE THIS STORY! I must have seen your title a hundred times and just to think i missed it until now! If anything, I wanted more. And lots of it. Your portrayal of the nanobots on the verge of replicating was masterful. You could have dragged that out for a long, long time and it would still be golden. 

The gestation process could also have been fleshed out. A human ambryo needa an amnyotic sac, a whole bunch of equipment to form. a placenta. Make the process more visceral, more chaotic. Make it more of a reveal that there is actually a human (sic) being being formed before her eyes. 

Maybe. Or maybe not. 

Oh, and i did, in fact, love the title. Starting to read your story, i thought it was from the POV of the little civilizations of nanobots that formed in her petri dish before she flipped the god fire switch on them. But that's another story. 

Capital work. I'm off to tip the forum about you. 

Adam Jenkins's picture
Adam Jenkins from Bracknell, England is reading RCX Magazine (Issue 1 coming soon) March 23, 2013 - 6:04am

This really is quite beautiful. I agree with the point above about keeping the argument live, but other than that I'm struggling to offer any ways in which you could improve this. It is gentle with an undercurrent of sadness, and I really did enjoy this. The inevitable tragic ending will stay with me I'm sure. Well written, and great story.

ArlaneEnalra's picture
ArlaneEnalra from Texas is reading Right now I'm editing . . .. March 27, 2013 - 9:08pm

You've packed a lot of emotion into a small package.  I really don't have anything to add!

Excellent Work!