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neojonez's picture

Rings

By neojonez in Teleport Us

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Description

You don't know what you don't know. I will tell you the secret. I will tell you the truth. You won't believe me, not at first. But watch, just keeping watching, and soon you will see a clue, and then you'll know I was right. You will know. 

Comments

Grant Williams's picture
Grant Williams from Wichita, KS is reading Friday February 2, 2013 - 11:36am

I really enjoyed this story.  It was easy to follow and didn't overburden the reader with too many details. It gave just enough and then moved on, not giving a chance to question, leaving the reader to imagine the spaces in between.  

 

And I can imagine higher life forms calling us all of those things. 

ArlaneEnalra's picture
ArlaneEnalra from Texas is reading Right now I'm editing . . .. February 3, 2013 - 8:49am

Very well written. I enjoyed following the flow from one layer of reality to the next. I also liked that ending. There's an undercurrent of humor you tie up right there at the end.

Matt Hebert's picture
Matt Hebert from Vermont, originally, now in Dublin February 3, 2013 - 10:22am

Well written and moves along.  There were engaging details, which I liked very much.  I was jolted a little by what felt like a change in tone in the middle somewhere.  It seemed to go from something serious to something a bit joking.  Confident writing, though, and a good story.  Thanks!

Ethan Cooper's picture
Ethan Cooper from Longview, TX is reading The Kill Room, Heart-Shaped Box, Dr. Sleep February 8, 2013 - 8:21pm

Okay, what a mind-blowing concept! Truly awesome and entertaining. I really enjoyed the humor in your story. Your story really shines on the trip through the rings

There were some grammar issues, and some awkward phrasing, along with some typos. Nothing a good, thorough editing pass won't obliterate though. The story is Rings, but I only saw one reference to ring. You also used bubble. I think the Rings reference needs to be clearly explained and reinforced through the story.

The start of the story really should begin at: "I was at the edge of The Dome watching the mutant fights." I don't feel the stuff before that helps the story. Sure, it's sorta mysterious, but the reader immediately forgets that because--MUTANT FIGHTS!!

I also feel like we really don't know our main character. We do know how he converses with others (he's a screamer). There's probably room to let us know just a little bit more about who this person is.

One thing that I'm not sure makes sense given the core concept of your story--the egg-shaped headed man says, "Oh please. Prayer is nothing more than mumbling to one’s self." Given that he's basically on a quest to find out who's "beyond" him, I think it's a little inconsistent to make this sort of a statement. For all he knows, the level beyond him contains the being he might be muttering to.

Thanks for sharing this!

C Patrick Neagle's picture
C Patrick Neagle from Portland, Oregon is reading words, words, words February 21, 2013 - 3:50am

Gotta love a good Thunderdome (or, er, reverse Thunderdome?). Unfortunately, once the protag steps through the hole in the Dome, compression and exposition throw me out of the story. Perhaps it would have been better to focus on the clash of social systems between the Mutants and the Assholes rather than make it a story about all the universe.

There were shades of Contact in that bouncing from level of reality to level of reality. By itself, that's not bad, but given the word count constraints, each visit, each bit of banter with the omnipotent guide, felt rushed.

So, to me, it felt like there were two stories here--the Assholes and the Mutants and the Tour of the Universe. Methinks I'd enjoy reading either one of those.

I liked the banter. I also enjoyed the screaming--exactly what someone pulled out of his comfortable 500-year habitat would do. Good work there.

I also liked the "You don't know what you don't know," part. Echoes of The Matrix that might hurt it a bit, but I liked that part anyway.

Adam Jenkins's picture
Adam Jenkins from Bracknell, England is reading RCX Magazine (Issue 1 coming soon) February 27, 2013 - 5:37am

I really like the central idea behind why the dome exists, that was very well done.  The awakening of the narrator to reality is also good, and he behaves very believably.  It’s written in a very light-hearted way that is fun to read, but I don’t think it’s as good as the sum of its parts.  A couple of the sections are heavy on exposition, and the scene outside the dome is particularly heavy.  The dialogue scenes are very quick as well, which keeps the pace up nicely, but it’s easy to lose track of who is saying what.  The two parts of the story are good (Wells meets Adams) but it jolts when it moves from one to the other.  It’s not clear despite the explanation why egg-head is doing what he’s doing, but instead of explaining it better, I’d lose the explanation completely and keep his motives a secret.  Why should such a powerful being explain himself?  The satire and humour are great, and it really is on the cusp of being really very good.  It’s also different to most of the stories I’ve read so far, and that’s a very good thing.

Joe P's picture
Joe P from Brainerd, MN is reading Pet Sematary April 3, 2013 - 4:14am

Cool concept and a welcome sense of humor. I like how you took a seriously metaphysical mind-bending idea and were able to laugh at it.

Like others have said, it does seem a bit cramped and rushed. Maybe delete one of your rings?