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All they want is to be shown some heart.
This is a fun read! The setting is very exotic, too. One problem does stand out, and I am especially sensitive to it because it was certainly my problem in my entry: you have a lot of interesting characters but nowhere near the space you need to develop them all. So it's a bit disconcerting to get introduced to them, to like them and get to know them, and then suddenly they're gone. The whole biology of the ice men is also pretty mystifying, but there I choose to willingly suspend my disbelief and just enjoy the story.
I feel like I've under-served them too Jane. Hopefully I'll get the chance to give them fuller lives sometime!
This one was definitely worth the read and an up-vote. Just a note, I'm about 20% through At the Mountains of Madness right now; at least that's what my Kindle is telling me. I'd say you hit the nail of the head with this story and the creatures, and that ending is really catching. It really adds a degree of terror to being claimed by one of those monsters. The one thing that bugged me was the number of hearts that the creatures could carry. For 30 creaturesa and 120 victims, wouldn't they have had to carry 5 hearts total rather than 4? (One to keep the creature going and 4 for each of the victims?) Otherwise, I really liked this story!
You're right, my maths is shocking! I've fixed it in the latest revision. 90 dead, so three hearts each to go with the original one. Thanks for spotting this!
Spotting little things like that is the curse of a programmer. (Dang missing semicolons!)
I think you have a lot of really beautiful language here; I wish the story was longer, though. It felt like there were a lot of characters introduced in a really short amount of time. I can see this being an expanded short story or even a novella.
Your writing is very strong, I thought, and the creatures are quite creepy. The final image (the new mom waking up in the coffin) felt very Poe to me, but it may just be I haven't read enough Lovecraft. ;o)
Keep up the good work!
Was trying to channel a little bit of both of them here, so I'm really grateful you noticed! I agree, would love to develop Jessica particularly a bit more with more words sometime :)
Weak points for me: I don't find it plausible that the Icemen's victims could come to life after the Icemen are destroyed and the hearts within them are burst. The ending was a little awkward and lacking too; I mean, nice concept but the execution's a little off. For the good points: Good imagery and interesting setting, interesting characters too, who sadly - like what's stated in the first comment - didn't have enough space for development.
For sure. Will consider it. Thanks for your feedback, Regina!
Interesting story ya got there. Zombie Yetis is what my mind told me those were. Awesome and creepy.
You probably need to explain how it is your victims can come back to life without hearts, but I DO LIKE that they are alive...and trapped. And just when you think every thing turned out semi-okay...
One technical thing, I'm not sure how it is in other parts of the world, but here we can't put babies in the front seat like that. It's safer in the back seat, in a carseat, and with no airbag. When I read that part, all I could think of was how horrible a mother she was. We wouldn't want the baby killed by an airbag before she can have her tiny heart sucked out by a nasty Zombie Yeti, right? ;)
I liked it. And I'm never ever going to visit Antarctica.
Dude, you are totally right. She should be looking behind to check on the baby, and definitely not across! Terrible parenting, and a reflection on her character I absolutely did not want to make. Thanks for spotting it!
I like this story just the way it is. You have a mystery monster that exists for no other reason than to exist. You have this separate story, away from the caves, where a woman is teaching class, that adds so much to the monsters we will read more about shortly. Then the two converge. Horrific things happen, so many deaths, and suddenly, when all is said and done, we have the utter terror of all of the victims suddenly awakening in their buried coffins, enough breath still in their bodies to let them panic through the horrifying torture of being buried alive. Wow. Seeing that it is this short, I don't think you need to add more detail to the characters. We get enough, in my opinion, and the focus is truly on the horror. Well done!
Thanks so much mate! I take some of the above comments regarding plausability, but I agree with you - I think the final image is so important, and for me it's really what the whole story is leading to. I'm so pleased you liked it!
This story is one of the most horrific I've read. I mean that in a complimentary way. As i was reading the beginning i felt like that person in a movie theatre who says, "don't go through that door" when he approached the ice-man with the camera. I knew it was gonna happen and it still made me jump. Flawless exection with that sceene. I'm also claustrophobic and I think i'm gonna be creamated because i've always been afraid that i'd get burried and they would forget to embalm me and it would turn out i was just suffering the effects of some potion like Juliet. So the coffin scene, though unbeleivable, scared the hell out of me. Great story.
Thanks so much for your feedback dude, it means the world to me. I love horror, but I'm occasionally accused of being too positive with my fiction, so I wanted this to go to really dark places and never return from them. If even just you had a minor freak-out from it then I could not be more happy with the result.
I agree, being buried alive would just be... eugh, let's not even talk about it. But seriously man, thank you for the response.