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MissM's picture

The Woman Who Carried Her Own Head

By MissM in Scare Us

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A tale of an urban legend .


Caleb Aaron Dobbs's picture
Caleb Aaron Dobbs from Sallisaw, Oklahoma is reading A Game of Thrones July 9, 2012 - 2:08pm

While the concept seems much better than what I am working on, I felt like I was reading a script instead of a short story. I felt detached, but LONGED to be inside of the action.

G R Fobister's picture
G R Fobister July 11, 2012 - 1:43am

I'm getting garbled text on clicking 'download'. After you've fixed that, why not read MY story!

Emma C's picture
Class Facilitator
Emma C from Los Angeles is reading Black Spire by Delilah Dawson July 12, 2012 - 10:49am

Definitely needs more descriptors to pull the reader into the action. Like Caleb mentions above, I feel like I'm reading a screenplay rather than a short story.

Jack Campbell Jr.'s picture
Jack Campbell Jr. from Lawrence, KS is reading American Rust by Phillipp Meyer July 12, 2012 - 11:42am

It feels much more like an outline for a story than a finished project, like something that you use to feel out a string of events. Like other people said, you feel disconnected, but I don't think it is a matter of descriptors, and I can't even say it was like reading a screenplay. The perspective was just off.

I would try an ominiscent narrator who can see things from each perspective. This allows you to move from the women to the kids to whoever else you like but still be inside them. We never got to see how the characters experienced what was happening, which I think hurt it.

The sentence structure is also a bit passive in places. Direct action, especially with such a scenario as a beheading, would help a bunch.

I like the idea though. Like Caleb said, it is a good concept.