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A tale of an urban legend .
While the concept seems much better than what I am working on, I felt like I was reading a script instead of a short story. I felt detached, but LONGED to be inside of the action.
I'm getting garbled text on clicking 'download'. After you've fixed that, why not read MY story!
Definitely needs more descriptors to pull the reader into the action. Like Caleb mentions above, I feel like I'm reading a screenplay rather than a short story.
It feels much more like an outline for a story than a finished project, like something that you use to feel out a string of events. Like other people said, you feel disconnected, but I don't think it is a matter of descriptors, and I can't even say it was like reading a screenplay. The perspective was just off.
I would try an ominiscent narrator who can see things from each perspective. This allows you to move from the women to the kids to whoever else you like but still be inside them. We never got to see how the characters experienced what was happening, which I think hurt it.
The sentence structure is also a bit passive in places. Direct action, especially with such a scenario as a beheading, would help a bunch.
I like the idea though. Like Caleb said, it is a good concept.