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Max Crozier's picture

The Stranger

By Max Crozier in Scare Us

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Description

You never know what you will get with a perfect stranger. 2664 Words.

Comments

Jane Wiseman's picture
Jane Wiseman from Danville Virginia is reading The Iron Council, by China Mieville July 10, 2012 - 4:21pm

That was fun! You had some trouble with point of view early on (me too--takes one to know one--had a lot of trouble with this in the first version of mine, although maybe I have fixed it now), and the italics in the first italicized section were a bit confusing. But when the story gets rolling, it's very compelling, and the shifting of the narrative as signalled by the italicized sections later on is very clear. I liked the slurping sounds the monster makes when it eats, and the ticking, of course.

Max Crozier's picture
Max Crozier from Palm Springs is reading Interview with the Vampire by Anne Rice July 11, 2012 - 3:43pm

Thank you, Jane! Yeah, i had a little trouble in the beginning. Now that I've re-read the thing I see there was some confusion. Should have taken some more editing time. Thanks for the comment!

sean of the dead's picture
sean of the dead from Madisonville, KY is reading Peckerwood, by Jed Ayres August 15, 2012 - 7:13pm

The ticking was definitely a highpoint.  It gives your creature something unique, a trademark of sorts, and it adds to the tension of the story.  It's almost strong enough (and could BE strong enough with some work) that at the end, you don't even need to show us the creature coming through the vent.  You could leave it with the increasing ticking, then the vent flying open, and we'd still have the same feeling of dread.

I like this story, but I feel it definitely could use a 2nd draft.  Some rough sentences in there, but nothing so horrible that it ruins the story.    I'm split on whether you should leave the format, which starts with the police station, gives the flashback, then comes back to the station, or if you should start it where Brooke's story begins, then end it at the station.  Either way, I do like it, I'm just thinking out loud.

Nice work max!