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Lee Baron's picture

Proof of God?

By Lee Baron in Scare Us

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A government agent and a psychologist are sent to investigate a series of grisly murders in small town in the north of England. The further they delve into the case the more they realise the murders are not just ordinary murders. Locals report seeing a vicious and strange creature, which everybody is terrified of.

*New ending added 13/07/12, my apologies to those that read the unproofed version I uploaded by accident.


Jane Wiseman's picture
Jane Wiseman from living outside of Albuquerque/in Minneapolis is reading Look to Windward by Iain M. Banks July 11, 2012 - 9:29am

I think you have a promising idea, but there's a ton of plot and back story and not enough space here to develop it. Also, you'd need to pay much more attention to sentence structure, grammar, and proofreading before it would rad smoothly. All the errors are a big distraction from the plot and characters.

Max Crozier's picture
Max Crozier from Palm Springs is reading Interview with the Vampire by Anne Rice July 11, 2012 - 4:42pm

Honestly, I really love your idea. I feel like you need more room here to really develop the idea and world but you have the makings of a real science-fiction story here. Your characters are fun and the interactions are fairly genuine.

You do have a couple grammar errors. Thre are a couple of repeat words but nothing too terrible. I feel like the characters died to easily. You made Vincent out to be this really badass character but he died without much fight. I would have liked to see a little struggle at least.

Keep writing, I'd like to see more from you.

Also. Not sure why it's called Proof of God?

Lee Baron's picture
Lee Baron from Accrington is reading Great Expectations July 12, 2012 - 2:04am

Thanks for the comments, I apologise for the grammatical errors, I uploaded my draft instead of my final version. I'll correct that today. The story is actually adapted from a screenplay I'm working on and the backstory for Vincent and the creature are the basis for my screenplay, I'm considering novelising it as well.

it's title comes from the fact that its based around genetics and that if a geneticist could do something which so far only god has been able to do (create new life) then surely he proves that perhaps god exists in some form. It's also a play on the fact that geneticists are often manipulating tools of god. Again thank you for your comments I really appreciate it.

Jack Campbell Jr.'s picture
Jack Campbell Jr. from Lawrence, KS is reading American Rust by Phillipp Meyer July 12, 2012 - 11:02am

I like the idea, but I think adapting the story from your screenplay has hurt you a bit. There is way too much exposition and explaining and not enough action for my taste, almost all done through dialogue, which happens in screenplays, but doesn't necessarily work for short stories.

I feel like the story would be much stronger if their was less exposition and more showing through action. I would have rather seen what the monster looks like now through someone's perspective rather than through dialogue. So much of the action seems to happen "off-screen." I think it is a good concept, I just want more of it to happen in front of me.

Emma C's picture
Class Facilitator
Emma C from Los Angeles is reading Black Spire by Delilah Dawson July 12, 2012 - 11:13am

I like the idea and don't mind the lack of back story. I think it actually works as a standalone piece, but could also work into a larger novel or serialization. You don't beat us over the head with the sci-fi aspect and instead ease into it. I'm a big fan of the TV series "Supernatural" and immediately thought of that reading the first page (a good thing IMHO).

That said, I agree with the previous comments regarding sentence structure and grammar, though it sounds like you're on that. Was somewhat disappointed by the ending as I find it hard to believe that in the end they'd just camp out in this thing's hunting ground. It makes sense if it's part of a larger story arc but as a short story it leaves something to be desired.

Lee Baron's picture
Lee Baron from Accrington is reading Great Expectations July 13, 2012 - 1:42am

Thanks for the comments. My writing style is often dilogue heavy even when writing novels or short stories, I'll certainly take all comments on board. I'm a fan of trying not to describe too much in my writing as I feel it's better to give just enough to provoke the imagination. Thanks again for all comments, I really appreciate it.

marshaljohan's picture
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bonnietashley's picture
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