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your.name.sux@hotmail.com's picture

Morning's Misstep

By your.name.sux@h... in Scare Us

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Description

A detective in a small town investigates a gruesome murder.  He quickly learns that it is no usual case.  In fact, it may be his last.

Comments

TigersMS's picture
TigersMS from Australia is reading House of Leaves July 31, 2012 - 5:12am

Good story and flowed pretty well. A cool creature too. However re read your story there a few grammar errors and such that take you out of the story.

Jane Wiseman's picture
Jane Wiseman from Danville Virginia--now living outside of Albuquerque/in Minneapolis is reading Kindred, by Octavia Butler July 31, 2012 - 9:20am

A very intriguing premise. One thing bothers me, and it always does in these stories, including my own. We get introduced to a character, we are more or less privy to this person's thoughts, and then the person is dead. That's kind of disconcerting, even when there are statements like, "This is the last thing x was ever to hear." I think (and I'm struggling with this issue myself) there's a big point-of-view problem with stories like this. If the pov is from the outside, then the problem goes away, only to be replaced with another problem--we might not get close enough to the characters to care much about them and their fates. One more really small point: the word "terran" is used. That to me suggests a universe-view rather than a world-view. The only way someone would identify something as "terran" would be the broader context of other species in the universe. Yet the creatures in your story are totally earth-created and live on earth. That is a very small point, but it distracted me into wondering if there were aliens involved--then we never see any aliens.

Jdt672's picture
Jdt672 August 1, 2012 - 10:16pm

Solid story. I enjoyed the eye-witness testimony of the second murder. However, I would have liked a little more of the back story. An underground shelter is mentioned once and then never brought up again. Just one or two lines would have been enough.

sean of the dead's picture
sean of the dead from Madisonville, KY is reading Peckerwood, by Jed Ayres August 11, 2012 - 5:04pm

I like the idea, even the introduction with the first victim.

I like the guy describing "big foot" as having killed his neighbor.

I have a problem when the evil monster starts talking and explaining itself.  Not just here, but almost always.  When James Bond's villain du jour feels the need to explain themselves to a captured Bond, who then escapes and knows just what to do to stop the evil plan, it just seems, I don't know, hokey?

I think you have an out though.  What if the doctor just explained all this?  At least, as much as he can before he's "taken care of."  And then, when the second "hybrid" saves Marcus, show that he is sorry for what happened by expressions in his eyes, sadness on his face, something else other than the explanation.  

I think this could be a good story with some reworking, and I wish you the best of luck!

 

Jonathan Riley's picture
Jonathan Riley from Memphis, Tennessee is reading Flashover by Gordon Highland August 11, 2012 - 8:58pm

I struggled a bit here with a minor inconsistency. You described the hybrid as being 6 times stronger than the average man. An average man of 6' feet 200 pounds could easily kick through a door. Granted your door was baracaded but i still think 6 men could had easily opened it.Your monster can easily rip limbs from bodies so i feel like it took him too long to break through the door. Easy fix. make the monster not so strong or make the door way more secure, metal with many locks and a stronger baracade.

I liked the stories premise. With some work I think this could be good. Do some fine tuning and describe things more vividly with less words. It's  hard to do but makes a huge difference. Good luck on your next draft.

--Jonathan--

 

Fletcherfletch3's picture
Fletcherfletch3 August 13, 2012 - 6:33pm

I liked your story a lot.  It seems as if there was quite a bit of back story that wasn't told.  After reading the other review, I do agree that the door should probably be stronger, but it is easily explainable.  Since it is actually the doctor's house they are in, he could have planned for an escape of these monsters and built something stronger.  

As far as the monster explaining himself, I kind of liked that part.  It showed his intelligence and he spoke down to the other characters, somewhat showing his superiority without really saying it.  The line where he explains enhanced hearing was funny to me.

Good job overall.  Re-writing is always an important process, but I really think you have something here.