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Comments
This is a fantastic story! It's very clever and funny, it has a set of ideas as a foundation for the horror plot, and it's written very craftfully! I am impressed.
One little thing: the header is quite distracting, especially since you saved it in pdf file.
Aw, shucks! Thanks you guys! The header is awful and I hate it but that was me at 5 to midnight going "please let it go through. Please please please."
Hilarious story, sassy and smart. I love it. My absolutely favorite line is the one about the mouth that looks like a prolapsed colon. I also love that the heroine goes into gamer mode as she tries to survive.
Thanks Jane! Also, I love Hatch.
Nice concept and nice humor, I especially enjoy the way you describe the state of the school.
My advice to you ~ and of course some of this may not be possible what with word counts and whatnot ~ is show me, show me, show me!! There are moment where you tell the reader what is happening, when you could be showing them instead, as this is first person narrative then the telling aspect works in places, but showing would also make it stronger ~ particularly in the prom scenes and battle scenes. Otherwise unpack all those little details, the senses, the fear of the teens - there are lots of on the body reactions to fear you could include - particularly after the first death ( I mean that's got to freak you out...)
The creatures in bell bottom sailor suits ~ ha awesome!
Nice :)
Thanks voodoo! The whole thing is loosely based on a true story in ways I don't know how to get into at this point. :)
I hear you on the details, show-don't-tell thing. I have a tendency to be a bit verbose and, when I sat down to write, I had visions of a Wonka-like funhouse of horrors but... alas, my word count forced me to rein it in and lose some of the details that make this whole genre icky and lovely. If I go back to this story and get a chance to revise it, I will ABSOLUTELY keep that in mind.
I really liked the conceit of this story. It's really fun and clever. My only issue was that it felt like it jumped from the prom portion to the horror portion a little fast. I think this could be a fun short story with some revisions. It should be longer. I want more with the Organization--that was really intriguing. I also agree with @voodoo_em about the show don't tell stuff. But it was a really fun read.
God damn, your metaphors are really good. I liked this a lot. Your writing style is really smart and...I guess snappy? I don't know, great story!
Love this one. Your nararator is one of my favorites.Smart, Sassy, Ruthless. Someone mentioned adding fear. I think Rachel would be freaking out hard core. It works for Oren, I imagined he'd enjoy that. And for your protaginist. Some people have great survival instincts in primal situations. Her mind is too sharp and she is too strong to let the fear take over. She simply thinks "survive" It's great.
--Jonathan--
I love the setting & feel of this story. It has a darkly funny, almost bizarro-like feel to it, which I think is the best way to go in telling this particular story. And the narrator is great. Being first-person, it's a tough line to walk between showing and telling, but I think you balanced it out fairly well.
I almost wish you included other "figures" who might be involved in the "unnamable" organization. But that's just for my own greedy desire for their public skewering.
I think my biggest complaint with this story is that I wish there was more. I wish it was longer. I like the way the narrator tells the story, so I guess I wish I could hear more of it. Of course, there is a word limit, so this is hardly a criticism. More a wish.
I think the end is amazing, with "the woman from the magazine covers" appearing. Really well done.
I'm going to up vote this one even though I had issue with the primary character. She's way too cold for your average or even above average teenager. From what little background there is in the story, I couldn't reconcile her proficiency or mentality during the fight with the rest of her. That and Oren attempting to push her into the creatures didn't make much sense to me either. Still, it was well written and I really liked the language you used. Good Work!
You have writing skillZ (yes, with a capital "Z").
I really enjoyed reading your story. It was a very easy read, and kept my attention the whole time. Your protagonist was a delight to discover. She's believable to me, and her attitude really drew me to her (I don't think she got enough hugs while growing up). Your prose is like beautiful poetry.
Thumbs up from me, and please don't stop writing.
A couple things. First is that I'll admit to getting a little lost after the fight. It wasn't immediately clear to me that people other than Oren and our hero were along for the ride. Might be something to be a little more specific about.
I also had the same problem with Oren pushing her into the creatures. I think you might need to detail out his extreme fear causing this reaction, or perhaps telegraphing his total disregard for her earlier on in the story. I think the reader needs to understand this betrayal a little better.
I think your ending is just fine, though I'd suggest inserting some reference to the woman that's on all the magazine covers earlier in the story. That way, the reader has some context to understand who that woman is.
Thanks for sharing this story.