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Lawrence's picture


By Lawrence in Scare Us

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The tale of a man with a disturbing second job. A job he eventually has to pay taxes on. 

EDIT: I corrected the POV that Jane was kind enough to point out. I also killed a few more people off in a way that I think makes the story even better. Thanks for the heads up, Andrew.

Let me know if you guys find anything else. Thank you all for enjoying the story and the kind words. 


Jon Westhoff's picture
Jon Westhoff July 13, 2012 - 10:57am

Good Stuff!


Could have been longer but I understand the limitations.

keep it up

Bon Scott's picture
Bon Scott July 13, 2012 - 11:00am

Nice, Lawrence.

Not to get too metaphysical, but I understand why you chose to go with the kennel owner as the evil protagonist.  It's a subject matter that is particularly personal for you, and as you venture onward in your writing journey, I am sure and hope that you will choose topics that have a personal root.


Nicely done and can't wait to read more material, sir!



Lawrence's picture
Lawrence from Dallas, Texas is reading Mr. Mercedes - Stephen King July 13, 2012 - 11:10am

Thank you very much for the support guys! 

Yes, I can't stand the idea of a puppy mill. It was easy to take that character and break him down. Really glad you guys liked it. Thanks again. 

Jane Wiseman's picture
Jane Wiseman from living outside of Albuquerque/in Minneapolis is reading Consider Phlebas, by Iain Banks July 14, 2012 - 3:16am

I loved the premise of this story, and I loved it that the supernatural creature is a dog. Of course, the real monster is Sam, and it's great when he gets his comeuppance. The only suggestion I really have beyond fixing some little grammar things is to work on the point of view. It bounces back & forth from Sam to Nick so that, especially in the early part of the story, it's hard to keep track of who is thinking what. If at all possible, you might just want to keep to one pov. I know that would be hard to do in this story. Unorthodox suggestion: suppose if you told it all from Bo's wise pov?

Lawrence's picture
Lawrence from Dallas, Texas is reading Mr. Mercedes - Stephen King July 14, 2012 - 8:32am

Jane, thank you so much for your suggestions. The POV for the beginning of the story definitely needs some work. Telling the story from Bo's POV could be a really interesting way to go with it. I also really need to get a friend or someone to look at the grammar. I proof read several times but I am horrible about catching my own mistakes.

Thanks again!

Masque's picture
Masque from UK is reading The Dark Tower July 14, 2012 - 12:01pm

I really liked it! I especially like how it was debatable whether the 'monster' in the story was the magical dog or the puppy mill owner.

Andrew Kelly's picture
Andrew Kelly from Florida is reading Kiss the Dead by Laurell K. Hamilton July 14, 2012 - 5:16pm

The story was OK, but I'm lost. Where are the three deaths? Sam is one. Nicky's father was mentioned as having passed, but that's weak as a feature. You mentioned some of Sam's dogs died - even weaker. Sorry, I don't see it. Did I miss something?

trenadavis's picture
trenadavis July 15, 2012 - 12:07pm

Great story! The only thing that was a little confusing was which character was telling the story, Nickey or Sam. Besides that, I thought it was awesome, just like the writer of the story!

leah_beth's picture
leah_beth from New Jersey - now in Charleston, SC is reading five different books at once. July 20, 2012 - 10:40am

Hi there!

So...I love the story here.  Love it. Great characterization on Sam, great (if heartbreaking) description on the puppy mill.  

This line was fabulous: It’s always the people with the least amount of time left, that act like they got the most.  

I think overall you could tighten up the writing a bit - I say set it aside for a few weeks, then pick it back up - stuff you didn't see before could be glaring to you. At least that's how it typically goes for me. 

Good work - keep it up!  :)

Lawrence's picture
Lawrence from Dallas, Texas is reading Mr. Mercedes - Stephen King July 22, 2012 - 7:26am

Thanks Leah. I'm glad you liked that line. Someone having that thought about an older man I think really sums up who that person is. 


It's been a couple weeks since I've worked on it and I think I am ready to dive back in and tighten up the writing like you said. Thanks again for reading! 

Emma C's picture
Class Facilitator
Emma C from Los Angeles is reading Black Spire by Delilah Dawson July 23, 2012 - 12:32pm

I like that this is a bit backwards, in that you are rooting for the "monster" (Bo) to get the protagonist (Sam, who is also a monster). I'm a sucker for anything where a dog wins.

Nicky and Bo are a great team, and I can absolutely picture them in my head. I worked as a veterinary technician in Texas and I've definitely seen both Sam and Nicky with their respective investments/pets. 

A few fixes I'd suggest:

Page 2, paragraph 2, line one: I think you confuse Sam with Nicky.

Some repetition of words: "shop" on page 1, "property" on page 4.

Page 5, paragraph 2, last line: conscience, not conscious?

Lawrence's picture
Lawrence from Dallas, Texas is reading Mr. Mercedes - Stephen King July 23, 2012 - 1:39pm

Emma, thank you very much. Thank you especially for catching those errors. After reading this thing over fifty times there was little to no chance my eyes would have seen it. 

I'm glad your a dog lover. I'm a big dog lover and just happen to have a black and white Beagle who was laying on the floor while I wrote this story. He's my constant writing partner so I figured he should be in a story eventually. His name is Hobo since I found him on the street but we call him Bo for short. 

Jason Farrell's picture
Jason Farrell July 26, 2012 - 10:40am

I enjoyed it, Lawrence.  I thought it got stronger as it went on, and was a nice, Joe R. Lansdale type revenge story by the end.   

There's more I could say, especially since I'm a natural critic, but I'll let you come to me if you want to hear that in more detail.  

Nice job!  I gave you an upwards pointing thumb thingy.

Lawrence's picture
Lawrence from Dallas, Texas is reading Mr. Mercedes - Stephen King July 26, 2012 - 10:55am

Thanks, Jason. Any critique is more than welcome as they are hard to come by. I appreciate you taking the time to read it. 

Caleb Aaron Dobbs's picture
Caleb Aaron Dobbs from Sallisaw, Oklahoma is reading A Game of Thrones July 28, 2012 - 1:24pm

If I only had one word to describe it, I'd say bumpy. Not a bad bumpy, but hard to get into. More than anything, you seem to repeat certain details...I have the opposite problem, as I forget to direct the reader at times.


Not going to rate it up or down, as I see it prefectly in the middle. With some sharp tweaks, this will get my thumbs up!

OtisTheBulldog's picture
OtisTheBulldog from Somerville, MA is reading The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz August 1, 2012 - 3:21pm


I'm kind of a dog lover - SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yeah, I dug this story. Even though you knew the guy was going to get it, just watching him sink into madness was pretty entertaining. And I love that it was all mind games. No attack, just howls and Bo finally appearing there. I love the creature - great story getting us to root for him. 

Also, very clever the way you managed to kill three people per the rules! I was wondering how you were going to do that.

I enjoyed your writing style, it flows very nicely, very easily. A pleasure to read.

So what if I'm biased towards the dogs.