To read this story or to participate in this writing event, you only need a free account.
You can Login with Facebook or create regular account
To find out what this event is about click here

Ry Eph's picture

Book Heist

By Ry Eph in Arrest Us

How It Rates

Voting for this event has ended
Once you have read this story, please make sure you rate it by clicking the thumbs above. Then take a few minutes to give the author a helpful critique! We're all here for fun but let's try to help each other too.

Description

Why would someone feel compelled to steal every copy of the same book from multiple stores? Maybe they suffer from a little book obsession? Or maybe there's even a more uncanny reason. Want answers? Then read about the odd troublemaking character who leads you through a series of bizzare actions so you can come to the truth behind the Book Heist.

Comments

barbarac's picture
barbarac June 14, 2014 - 3:50pm

Good short story. Once I started to read couldn't quit until I got to the end. 

 

mo.mo.row's picture
mo.mo.row from Washington June 15, 2014 - 11:09pm

Very creative. I like the exposure to the media and our obsession with tragedy and bizarre cases and disturbed people . I also enjoy the name Air Hunt, it sticks and is hard to forget.

The conclusion wraps well for a short story with so many turns.

Great story.  

Bradly Martin's picture
Bradly Martin June 19, 2014 - 12:17am

I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't interested in reading 1982 next. Very compelling read!

Ry Eph's picture
Ry Eph from SLC is reading Toxicity June 19, 2014 - 9:45am

Thanks! 

Devon Robbins's picture
Devon Robbins from Utah is reading The Least Of My Scars by Stephen Graham Jones June 19, 2014 - 5:06pm

Hey Ry,

For me, the beginning was the best part of the story. It could use some tailoring, mostly with the rhythm and flow of sentences, but the exchanges in the store were great. 

The dead guy was a little over the top. But that's just my opinion. 

After the cops are on him, things happen really fast and one could easily get lost in some parts. And the exchange with the officer didn't seem very real, seeing as the MC had a gun in his hand. You'd think the cop would have plugged him.

Take these comments for what they're worth, as I don't read much humor.

Overall, good job.

Ry Eph's picture
Ry Eph from SLC is reading Toxicity June 19, 2014 - 8:29pm

Thanks! I'll go back and read it with your comments in mind. I need to work on my rhythm and flow, so glad someone pointed that out. It will make me focus on that area a lot more. I agree about the cop--I overlooked that.

Devon Robbins's picture
Devon Robbins from Utah is reading The Least Of My Scars by Stephen Graham Jones June 19, 2014 - 9:10pm

Hope it helps.

Seb's picture
Seb from Thanet, Kent, UK June 20, 2014 - 9:49am

Twisted, subversive, brilliant.

Ry Eph's picture
Ry Eph from SLC is reading Toxicity June 20, 2014 - 10:20am

Wow! Thank you so much! I am so glad you enjoyed it. This is only the 3rd short story I have ever written. I am fairly new to the writing game, but I am loving it. Learning a lot from the books I am reading and the people on this site. 

Adam Jenkins's picture
Adam Jenkins from Bracknell, England is reading RCX Magazine (Issue 1 coming soon) July 1, 2014 - 1:11am

There is something about this concept that really appeals to me. I do like clever plotting, and I think there is a lot to admire here. It took a while for the penny to drop, which is a good thing, but I did have a smile on my face by the end.

I do think though that there are ways in which this could be improved further. I’m not sure about the reason you left out speech marks throughout the story, but I would certainly bring them back in. Separate the narrative from the dialogue, and I think that will help the flow to it, and certainly make this an easier read.

It could also be a little more dynamic. The good thing about writing in the present tense is that it immerses the reader into the story. The danger of doing so while writing in third person is that it is too easy to write passively. This is a dialogue driven piece, but sometimes your narrative feels like script notes. You describe what is happening, but it feels almost cursory, something added to break up the speech. For instance – “She grates her teeth and stomps away.” It is a simple line, but it doesn’t really add anything. If you break it down, what does that actually look like? If I saw someone obviously grating her teeth and stomping, I’d give her a wide berth. In the next paragraph you have the description, “rumpled hand”, and further describe the man shortly afterwards as “the wrinkled fellow”. Basically he is a generic old man. In a short story there should really be no throwaway lines. Everything needs to be tight and serving the story.

I’m inclined to agree with Devon on the bit in the house with the cop. First of all you have a sole cop breaking protocol to pursue him, which is unlikely, but possible. Then you have the rest of the cops not going in to back him up, which is more unlikely, but again just about possible. Then you have the two of them holding guns, but just talking. At any moment you’d expect the cop to shoot, because this is an armed and dangerous man standing next to a dead body. When reading fiction it is necessary to have a suspension of disbelief. Unlikely is fine, it’s called artistic licence. You can stretch that suspension of disbelief to breaking point though, if you have two or three unlikely moments in a row just to serve where you want the plot to go. Having the cop there is a convenient way to introduce his partner, but you could strip him out of it and not have it affect the story as a whole. You’ve arguably got three unlikely things happening in short order just to introduce a character in a revelatory way. Reading the whole story though, I think you clearly have the skill to introduce her in a different way, which doesn’t involve this much artistic licence.

If it sounds like I’m being very negative here, that’s not my aim. I gave this a very solid thumbs up. It’s a good story, written in an engaging way which holds the attention all the way through. I think you could turn it into something very good indeed. Best of luck with it.

Ry Eph's picture
Ry Eph from SLC is reading Toxicity July 1, 2014 - 11:32am

Thank you! I have been looking forward to your review and it's helpful--just what I was hoping for! Mind if I PM you a few questions? 

Adam Jenkins's picture
Adam Jenkins from Bracknell, England is reading RCX Magazine (Issue 1 coming soon) July 1, 2014 - 12:58pm

No problem, anytime mate!

kevymetal's picture
kevymetal from Halifax, NS July 15, 2014 - 9:43am

This was a pretty charming tale. "This has been fun kid, but I have shit to do" being my favorite line.

Like others have said, the cops and the quotation marks were the only suggestions for change I would make. You could fix the cop problem by having the protagonist get chased by a large group of police cars and then manage to lose them all...except for one, who then has to kill time before his buddies arrive. And the quotation marks were only an issue when he's talking to the agent (it got slightly confusing who was saying what) which, even if you didn't want to use quotation marks, could easily be tweaked to be more clear.

All in all, a brisk, captivating story. Good job. I, too, want to read 1982.

Ry Eph's picture
Ry Eph from SLC is reading Toxicity July 15, 2014 - 11:14am

Thank you! I really appreciate you taking the time to read my story and give me encouragment and feedback. The suggestions you have given are things I'm considering and looking forward to taking into the editing process. 

Grant Williams's picture
Grant Williams from Wichita, KS is reading Friday July 16, 2014 - 5:44am

This was a fun read.  The whole scene in Costco was brilliant.  It did need quotation marks to keep the speech straight, but otherwise that part was really entertaining.  I'd have to agree with Adam that the situation with the single cop could use some work, but otherwise, it was solid throughout. 

Ry Eph's picture
Ry Eph from SLC is reading Toxicity July 17, 2014 - 12:17am

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I appreicate your feedback and compliments. 

Cmangano's picture
Cmangano from Maine July 26, 2014 - 2:00pm

Good story. Everything is well written. It took me awhile to warm to its style, feeling, at times like a re-telling or summary of things that that had happened because of the detached voice. Overall great idea, I suspected at first that this may be a religious nut ( the book, of course being the bible), I'm really glad that it was better thought out than that. The lack of quotation marks, threw me off, but I think that it must have been something you purposely tried to avoid for the sake of individuality.

Ry Eph's picture
Ry Eph from SLC is reading Toxicity July 27, 2014 - 2:50am

Thank you for taking the time to read my story and leave me some feedback. I appreciate and value your comments.