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Pro patria mori's picture

Apartment Hunters

By Pro patria mori in Arrest Us

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Comments

Joe P's picture
Joe P from Brainerd, MN is reading Pet Sematary June 4, 2014 - 7:03pm

I love a story that makes me sympathize with the "bad" guy. You nailed it here. Very compelling and well written. Thanks for the interesting read!

Geert Mostrey's picture
Geert Mostrey from Belgium is reading Gone Girl June 5, 2014 - 12:13am

An intriguing story. Well written and you maintain de narrator voice throughout the whole piece.

Using the first person is a good way to avoid the trap of telling instead of showing.

I would have liked a bit more setting or conclusion to allow the reader to really understand what is happening but overall thumbs up !

W.a. Warner's picture
W.a. Warner June 5, 2014 - 9:53am

I really enjoyed this story. Gave me a Chuck Pahluniuk (sp?) vibe! Which is a high compliment for me. I wouldn't have minded some more crime but the narrator really held my interest. Thanks for sharing!

Grant Williams's picture
Grant Williams from Wichita, KS is reading Friday June 6, 2014 - 7:33am

A good solid read.  The beginning had me a bit confused with the codes and such, but became clearer once you decribe the meanings behind them.  Well done.

Adam Jenkins's picture
Adam Jenkins from Bracknell, England is reading RCX Magazine (Issue 1 coming soon) June 10, 2014 - 7:47am

This one is nicely creepy. I love the idea behind it, and the way it all unravels feels quite natural. I love the character of Blake mostly. The description of him is so spot on it’s easy to picture him.

The start is a little confused, and it’s a little hard to get drawn into the story. That you nod towards this happening on a college campus is better than if you outright say it early on, but the use of codes heavily keep this one at arm’s length for too long. The point you hooked me was Cody picking up the subject at the coffee shop. I’d almost be tempted to start there, and take out the line about the conquest wall. It’s immediate and intriguing from the off.

The descent of your protagonist into obsession is well handled, and we never learn whether this is just lust or something akin to love which is good. The idea that he can’t remember her real name at first hints towards the former. What I find most fascinating is the information you provide at the end. He’s not given his correct name, and doesn’t even attend the campus. That is quite an interesting backstory that you don’t go into, and I think you make the right choice doing it that way.

My only real issues here are the start and end. The start I’ve already mentioned, but the ending is a little confused as well. What would Blake tell his Dad? Have they done anything that illegal? Immoral, definitely. I strongly think you should drop the form as well. It’s a bit different, but I think that simple “I won’t be missed” is the better place to end it.

Thumbs up from me.

Seb's picture
Seb from Thanet, Kent, UK June 12, 2014 - 3:21am

I like this, the legal terminology and council committee ideas are excellent. In my opinion I think you should start with the fourth paragraph and introduce your target, then move on to Blake being late, but that's just me. I love the contract at the end, by the way. Nice one.

Cmangano's picture
Cmangano from Maine July 27, 2014 - 6:02pm

The beginning paragraph is confusing to me; I don't really know if this is a job?  I think "watch" was what tripped me up. I thought he broke his wrist watch and that was another reason he was late. After reading further I understood what was happening maybe move the explanation of the council closer to the beginning. Other than that I think you have pretty solid story.