Guess The Plot, Episode IV: A Galaxy Of Wonder

Guess The Plot has returned from hiatus! That's right,  LitReactor's favorite/only speculative, vintage book cover-based game is back with another certified bananas piece of "art" from the depths of the Internet.

Here's How To Play: Come up with a short description of the following book’s plot. Your theoretical summary should be the logical extension of the cover, although wild-ass extrapolation is certainly encouraged. And no checking with Google for plot information, we want pure originality! Then post your work in the comment section below. (Check out the previous installments for inspiration: Episode I, Episode II, Episode III.)

And so, without further delay, I present to you...

 

THE JAWS THAT BITE, THE CLAWS THAT CATCH

I'm super tempted to just drop the mike and leave you with this ridiculous vision, but that would be the coward's way out. No coward am I, my friends! Nay, I shall remain and face the glorious pinnacle of bad taste that is Daw Books No. 144's classiest of homages to Lewis Carroll. But know that at any moment I may be overcome with its terrifying beauty and go completely and irreversibly insane. I am just a mortal man, after all, and therefor not equipped to deal with towheaded, buxom sprites - let alone their fearsome sharkbeasts and the robot claws required to keep them enslaved. I'M NOT MADE OF STONE! In fact, the madness had already taken hold...I see stars; a beautiful, multi-hued cosmos surrounds the lass. (Also, she appears to have shot a pair of bubbles out of her "downstairs" region.) Run now - go while you still can! I'll try to distract this slouching vision and her cartilaginous familiar with sweetly whispered nothings, promises of adaptable manicurists, and a pack of Shark Bites I've been saving since 1991.

Save yourselves and make the most of my sacrifice in the comments...

Image of The Jaws that Bite, the Claws that Catch
Author: Michael G. Coney
Price: $19.99
Publisher: DAW (1975)
Binding: Mass Market Paperback, pages

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Comments

jyh's picture
jyh from VA is reading whatever he feels like September 27, 2012 - 9:32am

The great white tadpole, kept on a chain which proves too short, devours his mistress, choking to death on the cyborg terminator hand she wears (out of purely cosmetic concerns.)

Dennis's picture
Admin
Dennis from Los Angeles is reading The Lord of the Rings September 27, 2012 - 9:37am

This is a world of beautiful sprites of great intelligence, who rule the 15 colonies.  But on the fringes of society exist the Creepazoids, hairy cavemen who prey upon the colonies and attempt to hunt and claim the sprites as their very own pleasure mistresses.  So as a rule, every sprite is trained to work with her very own pet guard... a frisky and precocious lizard shark! Our heroine on the cover is new in her training, and on our first attempt to feed her pet (Spud), lost a hand.  Now she roams the waistland, as a half-freak herself... an object of myth, desire, and utter violence.

(sorry, I haven't had coffee yet)

C. Patrick Neagle's picture
C. Patrick Neagle September 27, 2012 - 9:48am

Amid the deserts of Bright, there are a thousand ways to die: the terrible, vulture-like Bandersnatch sweep out of the glaring sky on their six wings to pluck victims from the wilderness roads; the Mome Raths glitter in the desert wind, darting from place to place, deceiving thier prey with visions of beauty before dissolving and devouring them. But worse than these are the Jabberwocky, dune-prowling sharks with frumious, rending claws at the ends of powerful forelegs and even more frumious rows of deadly teeth in their jaws. The most fearsome creatures on Bright, the Jabberwocky are being stirred up by an unknown force. Once predators of the deep deserts, dangerous only to merchant caravans and monster hunters, the Jabberwocky have begun entering the cities, bringing slaughter and misery with them.

Araeianaphilsantrophakinesteta is the daughter of a monster hunter lost to the wilds years ago. Approached by a consortium of citizens hoping to stop the plague of Jabberwocky, she takes up her father's signature weapon -- the Claws that Catch -- and uses it to capture and control a Jabberwocky. Now, Araeianaphilsantrophakinesteta must use her captive to cross the dunes of Abasfarglaphnaginfergenham and discover the reason for the Jabberwockies deadly migration. Along the way, the two enemies may also discover a new respect for one another. But at the end of their journey, will what Araeianaphilsantrophakinesteta finds be too terrible to face, even with a Jabberwocky at her side?

[And now I want to write this story. Time to get to typing--cpn]

zyxxyz's picture
zyxxyz September 27, 2012 - 11:14am

Sunny Honey was one of the most in-demand erotic dancers in the Milky Way.  Just under five hundred kilometers tall, perfect 150-100-135 (that's kilometers, guys) measurements, and barely legal (cosmologically speaking) at only twenty three million years old.  For just a few thousand tons of stardust, she'll be playing a four-day-only engagement on the moon for all of Earth's amusement. 

What the people of Earth did not know was that the drugs and booze have frazzled all six of her brains for centuries, that her thousand-ton pet Garblathian Dinolizardsaur has not had a good meal since 1834, and that humans look just like delicious little snacky-cakes to a creature that large.

Jon Korn's picture
Jon Korn from Oakland is reading The Quincunx September 27, 2012 - 3:39pm

@C. Patrick Neagle - Let me know when you finish, because I want to read it! 

cdregan's picture
cdregan from outside of Philadelphia is reading The Corrections September 27, 2012 - 6:50pm

Alien stripper at a bachelor party dances into the path of the accidental misfiring of a Zeurillian ray beam, causing her to lose a hand and develop a psychic bond with all creatures. An unfortunate side effect is that pesky radiation emanating from her body that burns any carbon based life forms (and clothing) to dust. Only the blorthacatrice silica beast can stand the heat. Together, they cross the universe, solving crime. 

Jane Wiseman's picture
Jane Wiseman from Danville Virginia is reading The Iron Council, by China Mieville September 27, 2012 - 8:55pm

What about the Jubjub Bird? What about him, huh? He is terribly displeased at being left out. Better unsheathe that vorpal blade and start practicing with the ol' snicker-snack, or methinks you won't come galumphing back.

C. Patrick Neagle's picture
C. Patrick Neagle September 28, 2012 - 12:13pm

@Jon Korn: Will do. I've got some ideas for it that I think will work nicely. Thanks for the inadvertent story prompt.

cshultz81's picture
cshultz81 from Oklahoma is reading Best Horror of the Year Volume 8 October 2, 2012 - 12:00am

After losing her hand to a land shark, Stella Stevens-SparkleBits got a mechanical claw replacement and used it to captured said land shark. Now she travels the planet Yellow solving mysteries in the nude, utilizing the land shark as an attack dog when she gets into jams.