Columns

Lawyers: Pros or Cons? Part 1 — Why Lawyers Suck

July 16th, 2014

Q: “How many lawyer jokes are there?” A: “One. The rest are true stories.” Lawyers have a rotten reputation. On that point there’s no argument. But I’m here to tell you why writers in particular should view lawyers as a human form of the plague and avoid them at all costs. No, I take that back: they’re not quite as bad as a disease that causes buboes full of blood and pus to break out all over the body and kills its victims in a matter of days. I misspoke.

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On Research: The World is Full of Experts

July 15th, 2014

I don’t know if anybody really tells writers this anymore, but if anybody tells you to “write what you know,” kick them in the shins and run away. I seriously can’t imagine any worse advice to writers than “write what you know.” Maybe “always write from the point of a view of a monkey,” or “only write when you’re super drunk.” 

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LURID: Barbecue Season - Cannibalism for Connoisseurs

July 15th, 2014

LURID: vivid in shocking detail; sensational, horrible in savagery or violence, or, a guide to the merits of the kind of Bad Books you never want your co-workers to know you're reading.

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Edit My Paragraph! Episode Three

July 14th, 2014

It's that time of the month again, and like a menstruating uterus this editor bleeds red ink all over some prose...yeah... First up, Only2be gives us a paragraph on parenting:

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How To Do (and NOT Do) a Press Release

July 13th, 2014

There's a moment in your novel's lifespan where it's done, but not quite out yet. People can order it, but they're not going to be receiving their copy for weeks or even months. It's pre-order, the hype period, the time in which you're pumping up this thing that no one has seen or read yet. You're in dire need of press, reviews, and maybe even an interview or two. Bottom line: you've got to put on your public relations hat and solicit some attention. This is where the press release comes in.

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5 Essential Brain Hacks for Fiction

July 11th, 2014

At first glance, neuroscience and fiction may seem strange bedfellows. But as it turns out, when you hook up the average human being to functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) and give them a novel to read, a veritable Fourth of July goes off in some niftily specific areas of their brain.  Which should be of particular interest to any bona fide lit geek.

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Take Your Characters Out to Lunch: 5 Development Exercises

July 11th, 2014

The words “character building exercise” sound approximately as fun as changing the cat’s litter box or cleaning the gutters. Exercise is rarely enticing until you actually begin doing it, even when it’s for storytelling muscles instead of glutes or biceps. 

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Book vs. Film vs. Mini-series: 'Rosemary's Baby'

July 9th, 2014

Disclaimer: I assume most people nowadays are familiar with the twist ending to this narrative, so I discuss it freely here. Even if you've never read the book or seen either movie, you probably know how they end. But just in case you don't, go watch the Polanski film at least. It's even on Netflix Instant Watch, so you have no excuse.

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5 Classic Authors Who Hated Their Book Covers (and One Who Got His Ass Kicked as a Result)

July 7th, 2014

In recent columns, I’ve given book cover designers a shit-ton of credit. This is (maybe) the column where I pull my head out of my ass and have a cup of fancy tea with something approximating objectivity.

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Culling Your To-Be-Read List

July 3rd, 2014

Because I make poor financial decisions—such as purchasing inflatable pickles and American flag fanny packs—I found myself needing to downsize apartments in a bid to get my spending under control. Seriously, my Amazon purchase history is downright shameful, and now I'm paying the price.

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