Alright people, time for a little Friday fun. Who's up for a rousing game of F Marry Kill, but with a literary twist?
You know the drill. You'll be given three flesh and blood options. For our purposes, each grouping will be thematic, tied to a particular work of literature. You will then have to decide which individual would make the better lay/better spouse/better murder victim. Which would you rather engage in one-time wango tango with? Be shackled to for the rest of your life? Roll up in a carpet and throw off a bridge? I think you get the idea. Those who do not wish to see their most cherished characters debased thusly, CLICK HERE FOR THE CUTE!
LITTLE WOMEN
Louisa May Alcott's beloved story of four sisters navigating the path to womanhood (and we're not just talking, "Today you've become a woman" type womanhood, here). Which lovely lady are you going to bring home to momma, then? Meg? Jo? Beth? (Sorry Amy, there's only room for three, and this is creepy enough as it is. So since you're the least legal, you get the axe of exclusion.)
Meg: The eldest of the March sisters, Meg is also the most responsible, taking care of the household when Mama Kin is in absentia. She is described as "a beauty" and "well-mannered," which makes her sound like a particularly fine horse. She goes on to marry Mr. John Brooke (I hope he checked her teeth first), which may have been her undoing. The once independent young woman goes all complacent housefrau, leaving her little-womanly potential unfulfilled.
Jo: "Tomboy" Jo is the awkward and opinionated second-eldest, who chooses to eschew romantic love and holy matrimony for the bond of sisterhood. Hm... The case has been made for Jo being a lesbian, and said case has been bolstered by this quote from Alcott:
I am more than half-persuaded that I am a man's soul, put by some freak of nature into a woman's body... because I have fallen in love in my life with so many pretty girls and never once the least bit with any man.
Jo eventually does get hitched, not to the wealthy stud next door, but to German professor Friederich Bhear. She is described as loving him as an "equal partner," and they "decide to share life’s burdens just as they shared the load of bundles on their shopping expedition.” [1] Double hm...
Beth: Beth was emo before it was cool (and then uncool again), but the reclusive little musician never stood a chance. She survives scarlet fever only to be left permanently enfeebled, her death a looming eventuality. She's particularly close to Jo, which makes sense, because the marginalized tend to be inclusive towards other marginalized, and Emos have a long history of gay/lesbian acceptance. Jo also stays by her side during the whole scarlett fever thing, so there's that.
THE VERDICT?: Meg starts out with a good amount of wifely potential, but once Mr. Brooke puts a ring on it, all bets are off. She pops out a couple of kids (both at the same time), but other than that there's really no indication of what she's like in the sack. Even after she becomes complacent, she's too useful to kill off, so I still might have to wife this one. Jo also looks like she'd make a decent wife, if you're looking for a beard, that is. But depending on what team you play for, she might be ammenable to some rough-and-tumble tomboy action. I wouldn't mind giving it a whirl, in the name of science. Beth, on the other hand, is already a dead man sewing, so you're probably doing her a favor by giving her X's for eyes. Unless you want to fulfill her dying wish to lose her V-card by having sensitive, sickly sex with her, that is. My minimal research tells me her last stated age in the book is 19, so it's not statutory or anything. Just weird.
THE LORD OF THE RINGS
This one's for the ladies. Or gay dudes. Or geeks who like to argue minutiae.
I never realized it before the films, but J.R.R. Tolkien's epic fantasy trilogy about a journey to destroy a ring that would have been much shorter if eagles weren't jerks has some hot dudes in it. So many, in fact, that I had to narrow the choices down to members of the Fellowship that were over four feet tall and weren't traitors (sorry, Boromir fans). So which one of these heroes tickles your fantastical fancy?
Gandalf: This curmudgeonly wizard has great leadership qualities and, despite his decrepit appearance, is rather spry for an old man. He does tend to disappear at inopportune times, and usually has some lame excuse like "I was imprisoned by Saruman," but he generally shows up to save the day. He also has a special place in his heart for short, furry men and, you know, that whole good triumphing over evil thing. Overall, a man of solid character. He's also great at birthday parties.
Aragorn: Aragorn, AKA Strider, also posses great leadership qualities (he does turn out to be a king, after all). But more importantly-- he's a ruggedly handsome badass. He is loyal to a fault, and selflessly puts the safety of his charge and the good of Middle Earth before his own personal gain (and hygiene). Did I mention he was handsome? And a king?
Legolas: Despite his Elven acumen and proficiency with a bow, Legolas is kind of the bimbo of the group. He's got great hair, is very pretty, and is very vain. He dresses well to boot. Hm... Still, he is a great asset in battle and a worthy addition to the Fellowship. Like Gandalf, he seems to have an affinity for short, furry men, only of the dwarf variety as opposed to hobbits.
THE VERDICT?: All three of these men have the ability to take care of a woman (or lucky man), but Aragorn is definitely the most marriageable. He's also happens to be the marrying type-- just ask Arwen. Gandalf would make a decent sexual partner, if you are a geezer pleaser or a girl with daddy issues, but he is a little on the aloof side. As for Legolas, I'm sure there are plenty of guys and gals who want to hit that, and if you're a guy who is grossed out by the idea of gay sex, he's your most feminine option. As for Kill-- good luck. I don't care what your motivation is, you think you're gonna get the drop on any of these three? Choose wisely, my friend.
GEEK LOVE
Katherine Dunn's cult novel about a family of intentionally made circus freaks and how they're just like you and me, only way more fucked up. Which freak do you want to get freaky like Silk with? Telepathic Chick, being the most "normal" of the Binewski children, is not one of the choices (plus, he's practically an infant, you sickos!).
Arturo: The flipper-appendaged Arty is one mean sumnabitch. He is the defacto, iron-fisted ruler of the Carnival Fabulon, as well as leader of his very own religious cult in which he encourages followers to amputate parts of their body to be more like him. The only thing that keeps this megalomaniacal sociopath in check is Chick, but even he can only do so much. Also worth noting, Arty is both father and brother to his sister Olympia's daughter, Miranda, a stripper with a tail. (Don't worry, it wasn't incest incest. Spermatozoa and ova were telepathically introduced via Chick.)
Olympia: Oly is the sweetest hunchbacked albino dwarf you could ever hope to meet. She wouldn't hurt a fly, unless that fly threatened the safety of her daughter. An ugly fly named Mary Lick who pays beautiful women to disfigure themselves out of jealousy. Still, Oly would regret it afterwards, hurting that fly. She's sensitive that way.
Iphigenia/Electra: Nicknamed Iphy and Elly, these fetching conjoined sisters are two "perfect upper bodies joined at the waist, sharing one set of hips and legs," and, I assume, nethers. They are a song and dance routine that turns tricks on the side, for those adventurous enough. When they start to draw a larger crowd than their brother, evil Arty becomes jealous. When he finds out they are prostituting themselves, he gives them to the faceless Bag Man out of spite. "Gives them." The Bag Man impregnates them against their will, with a disgusting 26-pound baby named Mumpo. Their sad life comes to an end after Elly is lobotomized and the two sisters mercy-kill each other.
THE VERDICT?: This one seems pretty cut and dry to me. Arty is a bastard. Kill him. Dead. With fire. Oly is the one you marry. She may be an abomination, but she is super nice and would make a great mother. And of course you reserve the boning for Iphy and Elly. What's not to like about sexy Siamese twins? That's a spicy meatball! The only way that situation could be any better is if they were the type of Siamese twins that had two sets of nethers. But that's just me. Everyone's tastes are different.
Now that you've been given all the facts, it's time to make your decision. Who would you F? Marry? Kill? Has this theoretical scenario thoroughly appalled you? Let us know in the comments, and don't forget to include the why.
Geek Love characters by Jandruff
[1] Wikipedia (Don't judge me.)
About the author
Joshua Chaplinsky is the Managing Editor of LitReactor. He is the author of The Paradox Twins (CLASH Books), the story collection Whispers in the Ear of A Dreaming Ape, and the parody Kanye West—Reanimator. His short fiction has been published by Vice, Vol. 1 Brooklyn, Thuglit, Severed Press, Perpetual Motion Machine Publishing, Broken River Books, and more. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram at @jaceycockrobin. More info at joshuachaplinsky.com and unravelingtheparadox.com.
