Dinosaurs, Billionaires, and Butts: The Top 10 Erotic Stories by Chuck Tingle
It's been a minute since I dipped my toe in the muddy waters of the eBook erotica scene, and in that time a lot has transpired. We witnessed the Great Erotic Plagiarism Scandal of 2012, and saw the monster erotica niche rise to prominence like a mighty kraken emerging from the deep, its turgid monsterhood also rising. After a certain point the jaded connoisseur begins to wonder, have I seen it all? Is there no sensual stone left unturned? Well, I'm here to tell you there is, and that stone's name is Chuck Tingle.
That's right, Chuck Tingle, erotic author and Tae Kwon Do Grandmaster (he is almost a black belt) from Billings, Montana.
Little else is known about the reclusive wordsmith, except what is written in his bio:
After receiving his PhD at DeVry University in holistic massage, Chuck found himself fascinated by all things sensual, leading to his creation of the "tingler", a story so blissfully erotic that it cannot be experienced without eliciting a sharp tingle down the spine.
But the pleasure doesn't stop there. They say the mind is the most powerful erogenous zone, and Chuck's tinglers tingle the cortex like nobody's business. Not content to rev our engines with his cryptozoological carnality and Mesozoic man-meat, Chuck blurs the line between erotica, post-modernism, and meta-fiction. He is D.H. Lawrence, Paul Auster, and Dennis Cooper, all rolled into one and wrapped in a gi. Don't believe me? Read on, and try to resist... the Tingle.
'Bigfoot Pirates Haunt My Balls'
Picking up where Virginia Wade left off, Tingle takes bigfoot erotica to its logical conclusion: g-g-g-ghost pirates! In my b-b-b-balls! We're talking "4,500 words of sizzling human on bigfoot ghost action" here. This is the part where I usually make with the jokes, but I'm not going to be able to write anything funnier than the actual synopsis:
After years of having their natural habitat encroached upon, bigfeet are finally forced to leave the forest and head out into the open ocean. At first, we think that it’s the last we’ll ever see of them, until bigfoot piracy becomes rampant across the Seven Seas.
When the most notorious bigfoot pirate, Lorko the Black, is killed off the coast of Santa Monica, a man named Andy begins to feel a mysterious throbbing in his balls. After a trip to the doctor, Andy soon learns that what seemed like a coincidence is actually an acute case of haunted balls, and the only prescription is a bigfoot ghost pirate gangbang!
Thoughts: Everything I know about bigfoots must be wrong, because dude on the cover has a gorilla's face and a buff human bod. Also, that boy is way too young and smooth to be a pirate.
'Bigfoot Sommelier Butt Tasting'
For those of you with a more discriminating palate, might I suggest a taste of something more refined? Something with a subtle hint of, I don't know... butt, perhaps? Because we just popped the bung on a very special vintage, and I think you'll find it most enticing.
Nick is the most girl crazy dude in his frat, but when him and the bros head up to Napa Valley for a quiet weekend, Nick quickly realizes that his chances of scoring a chick are next to nothing.
Nick’s disappointment soon turns into a powerful, gay attraction however, when he meets a dashing bigfoot sommelier, Torbo Gulgot, who invites him back for an after hours sampling.
I would just like to state for the record that Torbo Gulgot is the greatest character name in the history of the written word, and I call dibs on naming my first-born after him.
If you really like your sizzling human on bigfoot action (and I know you do), I would also recommend Pounded by President Bigfoot, Seduced by Doctor Bigfoot Attorney at Large (He's a doctor and a lawyer!), and Bigfoot Settlers Claim My Butthole.
Like mashups? Well this story is the perfect mashup of Jurassic Park,The Firm, and Magic Mike.
When Donny lands a job at Jurassic Law, the world’s leading T-rex law firm, he’s absolutely thrilled. Unfortunately, after just one day it quickly becomes clear that Donny’s new position entails more than just legal work.
Soon Donny makes the deal of a lifetime and finds himself contractually bound into a gay T-rex gangbang that gives new meaning to the term, “dinosaur bones.”
By using the phrase "world's leading T-rex law firm," Tingle is implying this is a world in which many T-rex law firms exist. Just let that sink in.
Also, look at that glorious cover. It really highlights the inherent discrimination and cronyism of the Dino's Club that is corporate law. Not only does it titillate the senses, it sends a very powerful social message.
'My Billionaire Triceratops Craves Gay Ass'
Jurassic Park meets Footloose meets Fifty Shades meets Monopoly.
Jeremy was never quite sure about his feelings for Oliver, his gay pet dinosaur, until Oliver scores big and leaves home to pursue his dreams of being a dancer.
Years later, the two of them reconnect for dinner in New York City, and realize that there may have been more to their relationship besides prehistoric pet and master. Now a wealthy socialite, Oliver the triceratops is willing to take another chance on Jeremy, and soon the two find themselves locked in a passionate evening of gay human-dino love.
Look at him. He's a dancer, a billionaire, and he has a monocle. A MONOCLE! He's the total package.
If this floats your boat, you might also like: Gaygent Brontosaurus: The Butt Is Not Enough, Space Raptor Butt Invasion, and Lonely Author Pounded by Dinosaur Social Media Followers. I swear I am not making this up.
Still with me? Here's where things get weird.
When Alex boards a red-eye flight from New York to Los Angeles, he expects nothing more than another boring business trip. Little does Alex know that the plane itself will soon lead him on a life changing journey of erotic, gay passion.
After learning about the plane’s side business as a blackjack card counter, Alex agrees to meet the billionaire aircraft at his luxurious Beverly Hills mansion. But when things start to heat up by the pool, Alex is taught a lesson in more than just counting cards.
This erotic tale is 4,200 words of sizzling human on gay plane action.
First of all, the plane is a plane, and a professional gambler? Does functioning as a commercial airliner count as a job, or is it just something he's required to do, because he is a plane?
Also, since when do planes have genitals? I'm confused. Sexually.
This is a brilliant example of Chuck's ability to tap into current events and ride the zeitgeist (which sounds like the perfect premise for one of his stories).
Kent is a man with a problem, floundering in the gay dating scene as he looks for something that doesn’t seem to exist, a man who is wild, adventurous and rugged while still being smart, gentle and sophisticated.
Just when Kent is certain that he’ll never find the best of both worlds, he meets Channing, a living gay dress who is famous online for appearing black and blue to some, and gold and white to others.
It’s not long before Channing shows Kent that it’s all about perspective, in a hardcore gay love affair that will reveal once and for all just what color the dress really is.
For more intimate inanimate action, check out: Vampire Night Bus Pounds My Butt, and Turned Gay by the Living Alpha Diner (which features "4,100 words of sizzling human on living building action." Don't ask.)
'Pounded in the Butt by My Own Butt'
One of Tingle's more experimental titles. This is where things start to get meta.
Kirk is a scientific researcher on the leading edge of cloning technology, but his team has reached a standstill. In an effort to stabilize rapid clone growth, researchers have been taking DNA from various parts of their bodies and combining it with small amounts of animal DNA.
But when the scientists combine samples from Kirk’s butt, brain, and a hawk, the resulting effect is a handsome, living ass who immediately sweeps Kirk off of his feet over a candlelit dinner for two.
Have you ever come across an idea so brilliant yet so simple, it makes you say, "If only I thought of it first?" This is that idea. To think, it was just sitting there waiting for some enterprising young writer to slap Zachary Quinto on the cover and make it a reality.
'Pounded in the Butt by My Book Pounded in the Butt by My Own Butt"
This is like the Inception of gay, disembodied body part erotica. I didn't think he could top Pounded in the Butt by My Own Butt, but he did. Mind. Exploded.
Buck Trungle is a world famous writer who is sick and tired of living in the shadow of his own books. But when his most recent novel, “Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt” contacts him out of the blue and threatens a lawsuit, it’s a fear that Buck must now face head on.
Buck’s novel is looking to collect royalties on sales of himself, and Buck’s lawyer is urging the writer to settle out of court, but when author and book finally meet face-to-face things take a turn for the erotic.
Soon enough, Buck is selling himself to seal the deal with this sentient novel, but can he give his ass away without giving a piece of his heart, as well?
Seriously, this is the work of a genius, and I say that with a complete lack of irony. Idea-wise, this is some next level shit.
First it was inanimate objects, then disembodied body parts, then an actual book about said body parts—but sex with a reaction? How is that even possible? A reaction is completely immaterial. All I can say is, Chuck Tingle makes it work.
Buck Trungle has released a brand new tale of hardcore gay erotica, but could the story itself be too powerful to contain within the realm of mere words?
When Josh receives a link to the story marked “not safe for work” he somehow manages to keep his curiosity at bay while still in the office. His friend, however, is not so lucky. Soon enough, Josh finds the very fabric of time and space ripping apart in a homosexual mystery that will change the fate of his entire universe, and ours.
Let's concentrate on that last sentence: Josh finds the very fabric of time and space ripping apart in a homosexual mystery that will change the fate of his entire universe. We think we're living in a civilized society, but that's the type of sentence that could get you branded a heretic and burned at the stake. Only Chuck Tingle could challenge the status quo with such bravura ideas. It's the modern day equivalent of saying the earth is round and revolves around the sun.
'Angry Man Pounded By The Fear Of His Latent Gayness Over A Dinosaur Transitioning Into A Unicorn'
Aaaaaaaand Tingle just dropped the mike. There's no way he can top this. There's just too many layers. This story addresses so many important issues: self-hatred, homophobia, transphobia, dinophobia, unicornphobia... This is Tingle's masterpiece. It's even got Channing Tatum on the cover!
When Carl’s bro sends him photos of a hot and sexy unicorn, he cant help getting turned on. But when Carl discovers that the unicorn of his dreams was once reality star and athlete, Bort Jenkins, a former tyrannosaurus rex from the show Borting Up With The Dinosaurs, Carl’s whole world turns upside down.
Terrified that he may be dinosexual, conservative Carl is now thrown into a whirlwind of self-destruction, culminating in a literal encounter with his sexual identity fears.
Soon enough, Carl finds himself in a hot gay gangbang with his physically manifested bigotry. But will this extreme pounding be enough to help this Carl learn that real love takes many forms?
This erotic tale is 5,000 words of sizzling human on personified gayness action
Seriously, you might think this is just a silly cash grab, a slap-dash wannabe meme—and if you do, we are no longer friends—but it is so much more. It is an astute evisceration of gender norms, the publishing industry, and internet culture. Angry Man Pounded By The Fear Of His Latent Gayness Over A Dinosaur Transitioning Into A Unicorn is the summation of what it means to be alive in the 21st Century. It will be the Rosetta Stone for future generations of historians. It is the culmination of Tingle's work up till now. If he never writes another word, he has already given us too much. All I can say is, God bless you, Chuck Tingle. You are a national treasure.
Have you tangled with the Tingle and lived to tell? Let us know in the comments.
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