Chuck Palahniuk famously wrote “It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.” Which is why we’ve got this Black Friday column going.
See, in order to follow this advice, you have to lose some stuff. Before you can lose some stuff, you have to OWN some stuff. Is it an accomplishment to be a so-called “minimalist” if you never had any stuff to begin with? Will you ever appreciate how free you are without your stuff if you never had any stuff to begin with?
This is your big chance. Step 1: Get the stuff. Here. Step 2: Get rid of the stuff. If it’s good stuff, you can do so by contacting me. Just PM me on this site. Step 3: Be truly free.
Coffee Maker
Well, duh. Do I need to tell you how this helps, how the best legal stimulant in the land might be of aid to you? Need I refer you to countless cartoons, fridge magnets, and memes regarding the necessity of coffee?
[amazon B00X9K1EDK inline]
Aeropress
Wanna take your coffee game to the next level? Or at least turn your nose up at coffee makers? Either way, here's the answer.
[amazon B000GXZ2GS inline]
Lamp
Admit it, old man. You’re old, man. The good news, you can temporarily beat back the feeling of getting ever closer to death with some decent lighting. C’mon, you’re not living in a dorm anymore. Grow up, get some non-fluorescent illumination in your house.
[amazon B01NADGI1K inline]
Stars Lamp
Okay, you got the mature thing done with a desk lamp. Now get yourself one of these. The reviews say they're great for babies. Sure. For all the super stoned babies who want to travel the universe.
[amazon B01KSQZ3BG inline]
Pens
You'll use up a pack of Uniballs this year. Might as well get 'em on the cheap.
[amazon B00006IE8D inline]
Pencils
If you're one of those monsters who uses a pencil, at least use one that looks like it's for grown-ups.
[amazon B0055ZS57U inline]
Laptops
I worked for 7 years on a $100 laptop I got from Target. It was my only writing implement, had a battery that lasted almost as long as it took to move it across a room unplugged, and you were smart to fire it up about 15 minutes before you were ready to work. Take my word, a decent laptop is worth it.
[amazon B01DBGVB7K inline]
Macbook
These things are never cheap, but once in a while they're on sale.
[amazon B07K1F8ZS2 inline]
Headphones
You can’t shut up the rest of the world. But you can make it seem like the volume’s gone down a little. Bonus: if you travel and fly without these things, you’re making a life mistake.
[amazon B0756CYWWD inline]
White Noise Machine
These are a pretty good alternative to noise-canceling. They say this type of noise reminds humans of being in the womb. You know, that super comfy, pitch dark place you brined in your own urine? Can’t wait to get back there, eh?!
[amazon B00JU8P8VY inline]
Fire Tablets
These are good for productivity, I’m told. Ah, screw it. Watch stuff. Watch Phantasm.
[amazon B0794RHPZD inline]
Kindle Paperwhite
I love me some paper books. But my Paperwhite has saved my ass more than a few times. Fun Fact: The book featured on the Paperwhite image is The Glass Magician by Charlie N. Holmberg. Do people have to care about a fact for it to be "fun"?
[amazon B00OQVZDJM inline]
Water Bottle
Maybe you should take it easy on the coffee. But maybe, if you drink enough water, you won’t have to. This sucker hold 25 ounces and is only mildly phallic.
[amazon B079QMHMNM inline]
Slippers
If you want to talk about a lifestyle gamechanger, I’ve got one word for you: superwealth. But if you want something that just makes it slightly better to be alive (and also is attainable and also an actual word), then I have a different word for you: Slippers.
[amazon B01A6L91MK inline]
Notebooks
I wrote a whole thing about how it’s a bad idea to buy a writer a notebook. But I never said anything about buying one for yourself. Or 30.
[amazon 8883701003 inline]
Tile
Spend a little more time writing, less time looking for your phone. Or keys. Or child. I'm pretty sure this can be applied to a human child.
[amazon B073QPMFVJ inline]
Kettlebell
Hey, we're not all about fitness around here, but this one purchase can save you from going to the gym in January. January: The month when we're all totally going to turn it around and get fit.
[amazon B0062ORZSS inline]
3 Months of Kindle Unlimited for a Buck
This saves you, oh, $30 dollars on the service. I’d advise you take them up on the 3 months, but set a reminder for its end. Trust me on this one.
About the author
Peter Derk lives, writes, and works in Colorado. Buy him a drink and he'll talk books all day. Buy him two and he'll be happy to tell you about the horrors of being responsible for a public restroom.
