Valentine's Day Gifts for Writers

You poor soul, if you are reading this you are either a writer or romantically involved with a writer. My condolences. Writers are the worst: self-centered, egotistical, insecure, and they write articles on LitReactor self-projecting all their bullshit. But the worst thing about writers is trying to figure out what to get those jerks for Valentine’s Day.

Seriously, writers just read and write books and complain on the internet. Besides suffering and rejection, what do writers even enjoy?

They enjoy writing and they enjoy hating writing. So here are some Valentine’s Day gifts to help writers be better at the thing they hate and love.


Comfy Writing Chair

If your significant other really enjoys writing at a desk, then skip this. But you know what? Fuck desks. I hate them. I’ve hated sitting at Saw-like contraptions since grade school. Why do I want to sit in something that recalls psychological misery and discomfort? Nah, I want a comfy chair where I can feel calm. I like to put a pillow (specifically a throw pillow, which finally has some utility!) on my lap and place my laptop on top and then BOOM, I’m writing. I feel good, my back feels good, and I can get into the flow. If your significant other is dreading the desk, maybe have them try this. Also fuck throw pillows, but they are good for lap-writing on a comfy chair.

 

Communication Skills for Dummies

Are you with one of those writers? You know, the ones who use social media like it’s a fucking sport to see how many people they can piss off and bridges they can burn in a night? I’ve seen brilliant writers, bad writers, and ok writers use the internet for their own self-destructive amusement for a long time now. I’m not sure if the cause is psychological, shitty social skills, or an attempt to build a persona. Whatever, I’m so tired and burnt out with all this nonsense. Who cares at this point? It’s not like they are going to change. This book is probably pointless. It's actually a shitty gift when you think about it, because the writers who need books like these most are the last to use them. Buy it anyways for your misanthropic and angry writer lover.

 

Fiber

When I’m old and hopefully a B + List writer, and they ask me what writers need the most, I’m just gonna say fiber, because the only thing that’s given me writer’s block, besides depression, is constipation. If I’m not flowing, I’m not flowing, so to speak. Diet and lifestyle is personal, but if you’re not getting enough fiber, it can’t be good for your writing. *in old man voice* Make sure to take a good shit in the morning, so you don’t take one on the page. 

 

Pickleball Racket (or some other social hobby)

I know it goes against some nonsensical romanticism that writers should be pure loners toiling away on their books, but that’s bullshit. Writers need social interactions outside of the jobs they tend to hate or are underpaid for, like adjuncting. They need interactions that they at least moderately enjoy. If you’re still reading this you're probably thinking: this Christoph is a misanthropic crank. This is only partially true, because I have a life outside of the internet and  I enjoy playing Pickleball. Getting your significant other writer to take up a hobby will not only be a gift for them, it will also be a gift for yourself. Trust me.

An Online Writing Class

LitReactor didn’t force me to write this final one, but a writing class is probably the best gift you can give to a writer. You don’t have to use LitReactor—hell, any class can be a great gift for a writer—but I think LitReactor is the best ways to go. It will give the writer a sense of community, they’ll learn a few things (I stopped using semi-colons every other sentence after taking a class) and they can get real world feedback. They’ll hate it at first, but 1-10 years later they’ll appreciate it.

Upcoming Classes


Got a writer in your love life? What are you getting them this V-Day?

Christoph Paul

Column by Christoph Paul

Christoph Paul is an award-winning humor author. He writes non-fiction, YA, Bizarro, horror, and poetry including: The Passion of the Christoph, Great White House Volume 1 and Volume 2, Slasher Camp for Nerd Dorks, and Horror Film Poems. He is an editor for CLASH Media and CLASH Books and edited the anthologies Walk Hand in Hand Into Extinction: Stories Inspired by True Detective and This Book Ain’t Nuttin to Fuck With: A Wu-Tang Tribute Anthology. Under the pen name Mandy De Sandra, he writes Bizarro Erotica that has been covered in VICE, Huffington Post, Jezebel, and AV Club. He is represented by Veronica Park at the Corvisiero Literary Agency.

To leave a comment Login with Facebook or create a free account.