The Top 10 XXXmas Books

Holiday season a little too cold for them bones? Heat things up with some erotic Xmas sexcapades. Just make sure the kids are nestled all snug in their beds, visions of sugar-plums dancing in their heads. Because we don't want them accidentally seeing mommy and daddy's sugar plums, now do we? Enjoy responsibly.

1. 'One Hot December' by Tiffany Reisz

I have to say I thought this book was great, but Her Halloween Treat is my favorite in the Men at Work erotica series. Reisz has become one my favorite writers of the decade because, yeah, she’s good at writing about romance and fucking, but she is great at telling memorable stories. If you want well-written erotica, Reisz is a go to writer.  


2. 'The Human Santapede' by Adam Millard  

You knew this was going to happen. Someone was going to write a love letter to The Human Centipede and Christmas, right? This book is a Chrismas miracle pulled off by bizarro author Adam Millard. It's not that sexy, but damn it's pretty funny and will put in you in the right headspace for the holiday. 


3. 'Pounded in the Butt by The Handsome Physical Manifestation of Holiday Shopping' by Chuck Tingle 

By the time this column is published, there could be a new Chuck Tingle kindle single out about Christmas. But for now this is the title the captures the Christmas spirit that, you know—pounds you in the butt. A nice tale warning us against the consumerism that threatens to destroy the holidays.


4. 'Homoerotic Christmas Color Therapy' by Colorful Coloring Books

Click the Amazon link for the extended, super-long title. This list needed a coloring book, and thought I haven’t read (or technically colored) it, how do I not recommend HCCT? I’m partial to coloring bears, but there are twinks too, for light coloring. Extra credit for those of you who color in the muscle daddies.


5. 'My Starbucks Secular Coffee Fucked The Christmas Spirit Out of Me' by Mandy De Sandra  

It’s not cool to put one of your own books on a list, but what if you’re just the human host of an ancient Gnostic Goddess who writes books when you blackout? Whatever the case, learn the truth about Starbucks, the illuminati, and the battle between coffee and wine and Jesus and Krampus. The real truth of Christmas will be revealed.  


6. 'Santa Steps Out' by Robert Devereaux 

If there is a genre of fucked up Christmas stories, this one is a recent classic. Robert Devereaux blurs the line between erotica and horror in this transgressive novel with one very horny Santa. Just check out that cover!


7. 'Wood' by Rocklyn Ryder

I mean come on, how do you not stand up and slowly clap when you see this cover? Is it even a Christmas book? Who cares. This looks equally magnificent and trashy. I’m in. 


8. 'Christmas on Crack' edited by Carlton Mellick III

Look, crack is wack. Don’t ever smoke it. Buy this book instead. There are some great writers that have emerged from this antho, edited by none other than the Grandfather of Bizarro, CM3. 


9. 'Cowboys for Christmas' by Jan Springer

There is a whole subgenre of  Cowboy Christmas erotica. Seriously, it's amazing. It makes sense though—cowboys are sexy and Christmas is heartwarming, and what's better than a cowboy under your Christmas tree? Three Cowboys under your Christmas Tree. Duh.


10. 'Christmas Sex Coupons' by Happy Christmas 

What do these coupons entail? Where are they accepted? I don't know, but I want to find out. Whatever the coupon says, make sure you have love in your heart or your Christmas Sex Coupons will not be accepted.

Merry Sexy Christmas, everyone! What are your favorite erotic holiday treats?

Christoph Paul

Column by Christoph Paul

Christoph Paul is an award-winning humor author. He writes non-fiction, YA, Bizarro, horror, and poetry including: The Passion of the Christoph, Great White House Volume 1 and Volume 2, Slasher Camp for Nerd Dorks, and Horror Film Poems. He is an editor for CLASH Media and CLASH Books and edited the anthologies Walk Hand in Hand Into Extinction: Stories Inspired by True Detective and This Book Ain’t Nuttin to Fuck With: A Wu-Tang Tribute Anthology. Under the pen name Mandy De Sandra, he writes Bizarro Erotica that has been covered in VICE, Huffington Post, Jezebel, and AV Club. He is represented by Veronica Park at the Corvisiero Literary Agency.

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