It's love month. And monsters need love, too.
Let's take a quick tour of some monster porn titles and play a game of Smash or Pass.
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"Fisted by a Fairy" (Lesbian Fisting Erotica) by Cara Layton
Well, I was all in up to the parenthesis. I’ll have to pass on this one, simply because I feel like bringing my male, straight (sexual orientation-wise, not totally in the biological sense, WOW, we got into too much personal info REAL quick) schlong to a lesbian fisting erotica is a classless move. I would be the monster.
Get Fisted by a Fairy at Amazon
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"Filled by the Clowns" by Fannie Tucker
…smash. I don’t share this clown phobia the rest of you seem to have. I mean, clowns aren’t my first choice, exactly, I’m not going to be like, “Whoa, whoa, honey…leave the makeup on,” when Clown Girlfriend comes home from a hard night at the circus or a hard night at the haunted cave where she drags children to Hell. But if a little clowning is the worst thing a girlfriend of yours has been into, you’ve led a blessed life.
Get Filled By The Clowns at Amazon
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"Groped By the Grinch" by Melanie Nyx
Pass. Nothing against the Grinch, but this basically looks like Beauty and the Beast except…eh, it’s 100% B&TB. Which would put me in the “Beauty” role, and that’s very much an oversell of my looks. Plus, the way that Grinch treats his dog, Max, I just can’t reward that sort of behavior with a night of passion.
Get Groped By The Grinch at Amazon
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"Taken by the Tetris Blocks: An Erotic Short Story" (Digital Desires #1) by Leonard Delaney
Square: Pass.
L-shape: Pass.
S-shape: Pass.
T-Shape: Pass.
Long straight rod: Smash. Not gonna lie, that’s the only Tetris piece that does it for me. When I’m in need and I see that bad boy hovering in the “Next Piece” box, it’s party time.
Get Taken By The Tetris Blocks at Amazon
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"The Orc from the Office" by Kate Prior
I’m gonna pass. I am not at the socioeconomic strata where I’ve acquired furniture that can manage an Orc of this hunkiness.
Get The Orc From The Office at Amazon
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"UniPorn" by Matt Shaw
At least they didn’t call him Dickhead.
Pass. I’ve seen that Mr. Hands documentary. I know where this one goes. Specifically, it goes through a hole punctured in my colon. I need my colon. It’s the only body part I’ve got with punctuation named after it.
Get UniPorn at Bookshop and Amazon
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"Violated By Monsters: The Toy Room" by Hannah Wilde
You know how there were a bunch of cheap-ass horror movies made in the 80s that are now being re-released on Blu-Ray? And in those movies, there were a bunch of young ladies who were topless because they were probably like, “Nobody is ever going to see this piece of shit, whatever”? And now there’s a whole subset of women in their 50s who pore over the Vinegar Syndrome new releases to see if the movie they bared all for is getting a 4K re-release?
Is the modern version of that the monster porn cover? Will models who posed for stock images be like, “Holy shit, I never thought I’d be used for THIS!”?
Get The Toy Room at Amazon
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"Sex Bear: The Choad Warrior" by Monsieur Loads
Smash. Because this is the second book in the series, but the first is called: Sex Bear: The Legend Continues.
Continues? What the fuck? Why is the first one the continuation?
That's MY kind of nonsense.
Plus, I have to give points for using “choad” in the title. There is only one other book with “choad” in the title on Goodreads, one author who goes by Choad P. Squick, and the fact that there are only three choads in all of literature seems like an atrocity.
Frog and Choad are Friends. Jackoff Kerouac: On The Choad. C’mon, this is easy.
Get Sex Bear: The Choad Warrior at Amazon
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"BigBoobenstein" by Jeff O'Brien
Smash. What? Hey, Laura Roberts, author of Naked Montreal, calls this book “oddly feminist.” And that’s why I’m interested in it. I think oddly feminist characters are sexy. Because of their brains. And their giant, perfectly rounded, glistening, bouncy, barely-covered-by-a-bikini commitment to feminism.
Get BigBoobenstein at Amazon
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"Monsters from the Closet Inc." by Jenna Powers
In this ripoff of Monsters, Inc., monsters power their city on screams of ecstasy instead of screams of terror.
Smash. If you can get the audiobook read by John Goodman, voice of Sully? Smash and a half.
Get Monsters From The Closer Inc. at Amazon
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"The XXX-Files" by Delilah Fawkes
The X-Files was ALREADY an erotic thriller for a young Pete based solely on the presence of Gillian Anderson, so this is a definite, but redundant, smash. Try as they might, those X-Files wardrobe folks learned that there wasn’t enough tweed on Earth to make Gillian Anderson frumpy.
Get The XXX-Files at Amazon
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"Morning Glory Milking Farm" by C.M. Nascosta
According to the book’s description, this book features a young lady getting full-time work, with great salary and benefits, jerking off minotaurs.
Yeah, smash. Just the idea of having a pension does it for me. Big time. I don't care if I'm jerking off minotaurs, spanking The Jersey Devil, or going down on Bloody Mary, if you've got a retirement package for me, I've got a package in return for YOU!
Get Morning Glory Milking Farm at Amazon
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"I Slept with Slender Man" by Emma Steele
Pass. Call me when you write an erotic adventure with Thiccman.
Get I Slept With Slender Man at Amazon
"Tomb Pillager vs The Slime" by Tiffany Bell
I do have in-unit laundry, meaning that I can handle the increased laundry I have to assume comes with doing...sex? Something sexual? Whatever a slime does for sex, seems like you'd have to commit to washing sheets with a frequency that wouldn't have been possible for Laundromat Pete.
Get Tomb Pillager vs The Slime at Amazon
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"Werewolf Gynecologist: Hard Packed" by Aria Cuming
I mean, most gynecological appointments are during the day, so being a werewolf gynecologist isn’t actually a problem, right? Unless you’re going to one of those midnight gynecologists I’ve seen advertised in the back of some very questionable pamphlets they have at Goodwill.
I'm too forgetful for a werewolf-based relationship. It's a year, tops, before I forget it's a full moon and get ripped to shreds and then those shreds get shredded to rips. Have to pass.
Get Werewolf Gynecologist: Hard Packed at Amazon
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"I've Fallen and there's a Tentacle in my Butt" by Edward Naughty
Okay, this one has sequels:
I've Fallen and there's a Tentacle in my Butt, Again!!!
I've Fallen and There's a Tentacle in My Butt, and it's Even Bigger Than Before
Guaranteed, the FIRST time you come into the ER with this nonsense, Werewolf Proctologist is rolling his eyes. By the third time, he sees you waddling in, and he's busting out the butthole tentacle forceps before you've even reached for your insurance card.
Get I've Fallen And There's A Tentacle In My Butt at Amazon
Well, my dance card for this Valentine's Day is looking pretty full.
Does anyone know whether a slime would prefer a box of chocolates? Chalky candy hearts? Man flesh?
About the author
Peter Derk lives, writes, and works in Colorado. Buy him a drink and he'll talk books all day. Buy him two and he'll be happy to tell you about the horrors of being responsible for a public restroom.
