Illustrations by Joel Amat Güell
Two summers ago my ex-agent and I came up with an idea to cash in on the Pokémon Go craze. Time was important, so for a week I played the game, drank a lot of coffee and sugar-free Redbull, got my artist collaborator friend Joel to do some drawings, and churned out a book proposal. Unfortunately, by the time editors saw the proposal, the Pokemon Go craze was starting to crash. It was a blow because the editors thought the idea was funny, but felt the craze would be completely dead by the time the book was published. They were right. While my idea never came to fruition (which ended up being a good thing in the long run) I learned how to write a book proposal and it was actually a lot of fun. Below you'll find the table of contents, a few different chapter scenes, and some sexy af illustrations. Learn from my failure.
How Not To Be Arrested Playing Pokémon Go: How To Catch Them All Without Getting Caught
By Christoph Paul
Table of Contents
Introduction
Chapter 1) Is That Incense In Your Pocket or Are You Just Happy to See Me? Playing Pokémon with Prostitutes, Strippers, and Porn Stars
Chapter 2) Can I Talk To You About My Lord & Savior Pikachu: How To Break Into People's Houses Legally
Chapter 3) I'm Not A Pedophile, I'm looking for Pokémon: Hunting for Pokémon in Playgrounds
Chapter 4) How to Get Free and Semi-Legal Rides To Find Every Freaking Pokémon!
Chapter 5) Educate Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself: Pokémon in School Settings
Chapter 6) I'm Not Taking A Picture of Your Tits, I'm playing Pokémon Go: Making Sure You are Not Accused of Sexual Creep Picturing Taking
Chapter 7) Crashing Weddings, Funerals, and Bar Mitzvahs for Pikachu
Chapter 8) Pokémon Go is Addictive as Crack & You Might Have To Go Into A Crack House & Other Dangerous Places To Catch One
Chapter 9 Pokémon Set Tripping: Playing Pokémon Go in Gang Neighborhoods
Chapter 10) The White Collar Crimes of Pokémon
Chapter 11) I’m Black But I Love Pokémon: Gentrified Pokémon Going Without Going to Jail
Chapter 12) Wine Vineyards, Liquor Stores, & Vape Lounges – Pokémon Going in Places of Vices
Chapter 13) Federal Crimes Are Not Fun: Pokémon Go in Post Offices, Banks, & Other Govt. Buildings
Conclusion: Getting to the Final Level Without Getting Picked up by Five-O
Chapter Examples
Chapter 1) Is That Incense In Your Pocket or Are You Just Happy to See Me? Playing Pokémon with Prostitutes, Strippers, & Porn Stars
A great way to find rare Pokémon is to look for prostitutes. There are jokes that Pokémon Go is a game for people who don’t get laid, but wherever there is sex is where the Pokémon go. There are dangers and legalities you will face when searching for Pokémon that cross paths with the sex trades. You must be prepared to cross paths with pimps, prostitutes, porn shoots, sex cults, and orgies, to find those rare Pokémon between the cracks.
RED BALL DISTRICT
Unless you live in Amsterdam, (if you do, congrats, that place seems pretty dope) walking or driving around with prostitutes is risky business. There are so many variables and dangers, both legal and physical, that can happen. I want you to be prepared without catching an STD, a pimp beat, or getting caught in the crossfires of an underground sting.
If you are on foot and walking around with a phone in a prostitute-heavy area, some people say to wear a hat that says Pokémon Go on it, or a shirt that says Pokémon player. You want to show you are disinterested in sex in order to avoid distractions. This should not be too hard because prostitutes equate Pokémon Go with a lack of sex drive.
If you cross a prostitute’s path and she asks if you want a date, you could say “no thank you,” but a true Pokémon champion will answer, “No, but could you help me find some Pokémon?”
Some prostitutes will laugh, and some will say, “There is a Pokémon in my pussy.” But many times a prostitute will say, “I’ll show you my gym workout,” and will actually show you a Pokémon gym where you can find Pokémon.
I know. You are surprised, but a couple of things are worthy to note. Prostitutes or my politically correct term, sex workers, love Pokémon Go. It is a way to stay in shape without going to a gym, and as we all know it is a great stress reliever while meeting new people. If there is anyone you should team up with to play Pokémon it is your friendly neighborhood prostitute.
She feels safe with strangers and sometimes she just wants a break to play some Pokémon. Overall, prostitutes are pretty cool. But it is not a prostitute you have to worry about, or even the police who will see your Pokémon shirt and assume you are just a player. No, you need to worry about pimps when you are playing Pokémon Go with prostitutes.
Scenario: You and the prostitute are about to set up your Poké Gym when a voice shatters your focus, yelling, “What the fuck is this bullshit, you better not be playing no Pokémon and you better be selling him your pussy and you need to pay up now motherfucker.”
This is a scenario that can happen but you can easily diffuse it (without paying him or getting beaten) by saying “Sir (yes say sir, so the pimp knows you respect his authority), I need to be honest with you. I work for Pokémon Go and I was not looking for sexual service; I apologize about being deceitful. The game is so popular that we are starting more adult ones and we are looking for authentic speakers and testers for our game. This includes pay.”
“You bullshitting.”
“No sir, I’ve never seen a bull in my life, but your fine worker…”
“She is fine.”
“That she is and your disposition shows yourself to be a fine businessman. Basically, you are voices we are looking for…for Streetwalker Go, an interactive adult game.”
“Yo, that will make millions.”
“I know, maybe billions.”
“Let me give you my cell, and if you want you can fuck my ‘number one’ hoe. On the house, yo.”
Don’t sleep with her. Unless it is true love. I have no book for that—though I like to believe we live in a Pretty Woman World—I only believe we live in an augmented reality full of Pokémon.
Chapter 2) Can I Talk To You About My Lord & Savior Pikachu: How To Break Into People's Houses Legally
CANVASING FOR VOTES
You have to look at their surroundings. If you see a political sign in their yard AND their bumper sticker that leans right, then they are going to be very suspicious of you. You need to sell them safety and convince them that you are on their side. Some of these homes have guns. Most of these people are going to be old and have skin the color of a mayonnaise baloney sandwich. Untuck your white shirt but take off your sunglasses, put on fake nerdy reading glasses and make sure to talk like you’re a combination of Carlton Banks and Rush Limbaugh—a respectable, but angry Republican.
They might even have a gun when they open door, but don’t fear, instead have the conversation go something like this:
“Whatever the hell you got I ain’t buying and you need to get off my property or I’ll get my gun/call the police.” (If they don’t have one out already.)
Fearless and feeling motivated about getting to level 15, you respond, “Sir/Madam, I’m visiting fellow Conservatives. This popular Pokémon Go game is the product of globalists and Chinese spies. I am doing my duty as an American Born Citizen who is good at science…nerd stuff sir/maam. I am an American nerd and I want to make sure REAL American citizens are not being monitored by the Pokémon. They are actually invisible digital spies.”
“I knew it.”
“Yes, but I can find them with my phone and delete them so the Communist New World Order can’t spy on them anymore.”
“We need more kids like you, you can fight the immigrants from taking all the jobs.”
“First I must fight these Pokémon.”
“Kill them all.”
About the author
Christoph Paul is the Managing Editor and owner of CLASH Books, who have published over 60 books and have been covered by NPR, Poets & Writers, Rolling Stone, Believer Magazine, Oprah Magazine, The Observer, Fangoria, and Publisher's Weekly. The press has had books translated into Spanish, French, and Italian. He has been editing books in almost every genre for over a decade. As an author, he won a humor award and had viral cult success under a pen name. He is the lead singer and bass player of the rock band The Dionysus Effect, who have received positive reviews in Loudwire, EARMILK, and Red Rock Magazine. He sometimes writes songs about the books he publishes because even artists are inspired by their day jobs. Follow him on Twitter @christophpaul_ @clashbooks @dionysuseffect.
