Guess The Plot, Episode II: Plumb Away!
Guys, we did it. We really did it. Last month, in Guess The Plot's debut, I offered up four classic science-fiction covers and asked for LitReactor's help figuring out what the novels inside could possibly be about. And you all didn't just show up, you killed it. Go back and check out the hilarious comment section in that link. Gold, people, hot bubbling gold!
So I'm back, with just one cover this time. One amazing cover.
Here's How To Play: Come up with a short description of the following book’s plot. This theoretical summary should be the logical extension of the artwork and text on the covers, although wild-ass extrapolation is certainly encouraged. And no checking with Google for plot information, I want pure originality! Then post your work in the comment section below.
And now I present to you...
Into Plutonian Depths
Hello Nurse! Our buddy Señor Coblentz is really putting the 'fantasy' in 'Avon Fantasy Novels,' right? From her sassy golden-snake sandals, to that striking pearl/enormous green orb headpiece, this young woman is positively bedecked! No wonder all those dudes are chasing her - they need to know where on Pluto they can get a quality mani-pedi. As for her companion: yawn! It's just sad that Avon would spring for an icon of fashion like Timothy Dalton and then dress him in business casual. At least the editors have seen fit to release Coblentz's masterpiece unabridged, so readers can finally appreciate just how 'faraway' Pluto actually is. Moving on, let's see if we can't break down the 'three sexes' teased in the headline:
1) Former James Bonds. (Is it Jameses Bond? I can never remember.)
2) Hurdy-Gurdy Girls with impeccable taste and their insatiable, shirtless Fanboys.
3) Super Horny Stalagmites.
All right, have at it! And make 'em great, because now I have expectations. So make Papa Johnny proud!
[As always, please send me covers for future episodes on Twitter @Kornlock.]
Column by Jon Korn
Jon Korn is a writer and film festival programer. He is currently a Shorts Programmer with the Sundance Film Festival and Outfest. He is also co-creator of the Echo Park Time Travel Mart and a Jeopardy! champion.
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A completely ordinary, hackneyed sci-fi / adventure plot comes to a screeching halt when everyone involved hears the news that Pluto isn't a planet after all. Existential ennui ensues as members of all three sexes wonder what they've been doing this whole time and discuss what the future of their non-planetary hunk of space-junk holds for them. Should they parcel it up and sell it off in pieces to mineral prospectors or remain true to tradition and get back to chasing people?
From the thrilling mind that brought you Mars Needs Corduroy! comes a new adventure above the stars and below the waist! SEE: a man on a mission beyond the earth! FEEL: the love of his new alien wife, Plutonia!! HEAR: the throngs who would destroy them both!!!
On a strange world with THREE genders, Rocket Pilot Ron Johnson will battle the evil Gonad Invaders for the life of his new space bride, and his own SANITY!
There's a rocket in his pocket, and is headed straight Into Plutonian Depths!
In a small Arkansas mountain town, love blossoms. Jim Henry Hankins, voted last year's "Dude Who Looks the Best Wearing Torn Shit" has finally found true love in the person of Miss Pluto McGillicuddy. "At last," thinks Jimmy Hank, "No more meaningless flings with the livestock." There was no love there, anyway. Alas, as Jimmy Hank and Pluto sojourn to the corn crib for formal introductions, they are set upon by her jealous ex-boyfriend, her jealous father, all her jealous brothers, and a semi-retarded cousin who came along because Bobby Joe--ever the joker--promised him some cake. Jimmy Hank and Pluto escape into the woods, where Pluto takes him to her secret cave to show him her secret cave. As it turns out, neither is the secret cave that held interest for Jimmy Hank and, with apologies, he returns Pluto to her family for impregnation and carves out a niche for himself in local musical theater.
Rex Tosterone, Space Adventurer, is a man on a mission: sample the carnal delights of distressed maidens on every rock in the Sol system. Having worked his way starward and back from Terra, with a long, lonely, and fruitless 5-year detour checking the asteroid belt just in case, he arrives on Pluto, the end of his noble quest in sight.
There's just one problem - after that encounter with the Jellyfish Queen of Neptune, Rex developed some kind of itchy boil on his back. He didn't think much of it at first. After all, despite the aquatic nature and muculent biology of those in Neptune's Jellyfish Kingdom, he left bearing several manly carpet burns. This battle scar, however, did not respond whatsoever to Rex's trusty supply of Doctor Phineas Andro's Space Adventure Cream.
Paying it little heed, Rex began his exploration of Pluto's intricate, treacherous, uncomfortably moist sub-Plutonian caverns in search of the capstone of his life's work. After two weeks without encountering any life more advanced than fungus, Rex was low on supplies, exhausted, and desperate. As he was attempting to determine the sex of that ubiquitous fungus, the boil on his back suddenly ruptured, a great cerulean fleshy mass, seemingly in the shape of a conga line of blue Aztec warriors in gold panties straining against Pluto's oddly Terra-like gravity threatening to pull Rex backwards into a crevasse.
Rex, it is fair to say, was somewhat nonplussed by this turn of events. Fortunately, his Space Adventurer training took over, and he caught himself on one of the many clammy stalagmites around him. His grip, however, was far from sure. Just as his hands slipped, one was taken by what Rex initially thought to be a hallucination brought on by whatever horrible strain of Space Herpes the Jellyfish Queen had given him.
A woman! Almost human in appearance, clad in tiny bands of gold and jewels, she was pulling Rex up to safety, gaping in horror at the enormous protuberance wobbling turgidly from Rex's back. Rex sat, catching his breath and resting the conga line on a distant rock, unsure what to say or if this vision of beauty was even real. Then she spoke, without moving her thickly lipsticked mouth. A large green orb burst from her forehead and glowed in time with the words:
"Rex Tosterone. Long have we awaited your arrival. Many travelers have preceded you into the warm paradise cavern of Pluto, but you are the first to locate me. I am Clitora, Speaker of Pluto. With the arrival of yourself and your..." she gestured at the pulsing mass of blue flesh, "impressive endowment, Mother Pluto and I now have access to the third sex needed to reproduce. Now begins the cycle! For the glory of Pluto!"
Tom McNeil comes to the planet plutonian to hopefully cure his impotence, and finds it attached to the princess of love's head. But birth can only happen on Plutonian when the magic ball known as testina is left on the planet. Tom McNeil has decided to take it for himself, of course this has caused up roar between all sexes and now on the run determined to cure himself, he finds out this third sex shag men to keep themselves alive (not the pleasant kind either) . On the run he finds himself a cave to seek shelter in and also to try and contact earth to get him back home to his fiance who has no idea where he is. While staying in the cave he starts to develop feelings towards the princess, which gives him the decision to stay and get hunted or go back home and get married. .
Human Guy save Human Girl from evil 3 gendered aliens who want to date/rape/mate with her for some odd reason. They may, if pressed, eat her instead. For some reason they live in tunnels under Pluto's surface that humans can exist comfortably in, and have a complicated but easily explained system of government that it seems humans would be fools not to adopt. Only their innate evilness prevents them from having the Ultimate Happy Place.
Human Guy escapes with/marries Human Girl, they return to earth.
Joseph, a caputred sailor from a merchant ship seized by pirates is sucked down into a swirling vortex of a whirlpool. When he awakes, he finds himself washed upon the shore of a strange blood-red beach under an orange sky.
Wandering aimlessly through the barren, sun-scorched landscape, the sailor seeks shelter within the cool dark of a cave. He quickly find that the opening is actually a backdoor in to a complex series of tunnels inhabitted by a strange green people who cannot exist in the sun.
He is shocked to find another survivor from the wreckage, Mary, the merchant's daughter, who was travelling abroad aboard their ship when the pirates struck. The strange men have taken Mary as a priestess. Their emperor impregnates her with his offspring, believing they would have all his strength, without that pesky aversion to the sun. They could finally invade the surface world.
Joseph rescues Mary from captivity, not knowing that she carries within her womb the creatures that may destroy mankind. They race to find an escape from the strange underworld.
Having been accidentally transported to the planet Pluton when the cigarette lighter of his 1956 Chevy Bel-Air short-circuits one day in Long Beach, brawny Shift Hunter finds himself caught up in a three-way civil war between the followers of the voluptuous Empress Plutonia, who carries one of the planet’s 17 moons on her head and has a big secret under her bikini bottom – a secret that Shift finds most disturbing – and the Clitorii, breastless women who wield spears and wear gold Fruit of the Loom briefs. Caves and penile stalagmites serve as both threats and shelters for Shift and Plutonia as they do battle with the Clitorii and their own strange but powerful desires. The “depths” to which novelist Stanton A. Coblentz refers in the title are manifold: the Empress Plutonia and her people had dwelled in peaceful Weenus Canyon before the Clitorian Invasion; the Clitorii have fortified Weenus Canyon with the seemingly impenetrable, 10-feet-thick Labian Walls. And in the novel’s climactic scene, after Plutonia and Shift lead the Plutonians to victory (despite the tragic loss of Plutonia’s head-moon and all of its tiny population – “The horrific screams of millions filled the cave as the green moon hurtled toward the ground, but Plutonia was powerless to catch it. It smashed on the dirt floor, and all was silence. “They died as they had lived,” Shift said solemnly – “in service to their queen.”), Coblentz challenges traditional notions of gender and sexuality by way of Plutonia’s shocking but liberating assult on Shift’s anus.
I've been laughing about this for 5 minutes.
Brilliant, Ed. These are a lot of fun.
Dick crashed onto a world with two sexes. He crashed and destroyed the tenuous balance of power forever.
Jane had reigned as Queen. Her subjects, the Plutoborg, with their scaly green skin and throbbing red forehead vaginas, worshiped her. They brought her gifts of gilded seashell bras and lush blue terrycloth towels.
But now they would battle to the death. A lone human female against the entire Plutoborg race. Battling for the final piece of the puzzle. The third sex that must procreate with the victor. The only way to repopulate their dying planet.
Dick hoped with all his heart that Jane would come out on top. In more ways than one...
Tom Johnson's life inside the bubble-domes was quite satisfactory, until his plutonic... no... platonic wife, Argyle Alabaster was kidnapped by a strange dark race with laser eyes that lived underground for centuries, ever since the surface of the planet had been irradiated by nuclear war. Female births had decreased with every generation in the underworld, but regular surface-dwellers could not breed with their plutonian brethren.
Until now.
Torn from her twin bed in the middle of the night, Argyle was taken into the depths of the world somewhere beneath Rio Di Janeiro, dressed in a costume inspired by several holovids of Mardi Gras and some old Jedi movie, and worshipped as both a goddess and a sexual sacrifice. Introduced to hedonistic practices and a multitude of stalagmite usages, Argyle found herself ...changing.
For Argyle had a secret - one which would transform gender relations in the underworld and the surface forever.
Can Tom Johnson save his bestest gal-pal? Or will he be saved by her? Does he dare to brave the forbidden caves - given his fear of spelunking into Plutonian Depths? Will his marriage survive? Especially when he discovers the power she holds - the power of the Fourth Orifice!!!