10 Famous Writers Reimagined as Professional Wrestlers

There’s no easy way to introduce this article, so here it goes: Imagine if writers were involved in a professional wrestling league. Are you imagining it? Good, you’re right on track. Me? I’ve been imagining this shit since I was five years-old. Has this been a wise way to spend my time? Before I answer that, you tell me what would be wise, and I’ll laugh in your face. What would we even call this league? Writers Who Wrestle (WWW)? Or maybe International Champion Pensmiths. I don’t think ICP has been used before as an acronym. Surely such a name would develop an intelligent fanbase, right? Anyway, here are some of my favorite writers, thrown into the ring.


10. Stephen King

Ring Names: S.K., The King of Horror, The Gunslinger, The Bad Ending

Theme Song: “Pennywise” by Pennywise

Finishing Move: Summons a small child to sneak into the ring and, through the wonderful abilities of mind control, forces you to relive your most painful memories until you tap out. Yes, the painful memories are all in italics.

Rival: Joe Hill, obviously. Can you imagine the family feud? Hell, maybe Joe and his brother Owen would join forces and challenge their parents to a tornado tag team match.

 

09. J.K. Rowling

Ring Names: The Basilisk, The Golden Snitch

Theme Song: “I Put a Spell on You” by Nina Simone (Haha get it? Because she wrote books about magic and this song talks about casting a spell on somebody? DO YOU GET IT? DO. YOU. GET. IT.)

Finishing Move: Bashes metal wand into your face until disqualified or declared victorious.

Rivals: A gang of fans pissed off that one of her main characters might not be white.

 

08. Christopher Moore

Ring Names: Stripey Socks, The Fool, Catch

Theme Song: “Big Lizard” by The Dead Milkmen

Finishing Move: Throws bat guano at you until you say “eww” and tap out.

Rival: The reanimated corpse of William Shakespeare.

 

07. Ernest Hemingway

Ring Names: Hemingstein (that’s it, there’s nothing else that’s gonna beat that one)

Theme song: “For Whom the Bell Tolls” by Metallica

Finishing Move: Continuously dodges your attacks with a bright muleta until you pass out from exhaustion.

Rival: Sobriety.

 

06. Harper Lee

Ring Names: Nelle, The Pulitzer

Theme Song: “Atticus Finch” by Paint It Black

Finishing Move: Kicks you once in the face, then promptly leaves the ring and isn’t seen until her next match. Sure, she technically forfeits every fight, but you bet your ass her opponents will never forget that kick.

Rivals: The Media, a stable of wrestlers who all wield cameras and generally hang around outside the ring in case anything juicy happens. The Pulitzer loves pulverizing these motherfuckers.

 

05. Charles Bukowski

Ring Names: Buk, Hank, Master Cirrhosis

Theme Song: “Bukowski” by Modest Mouse

Finishing Move: Pukes then falls asleep on top of you.

Rivals: The Landlords, a team of notorious rasslin' psychopaths.

 

04. Joe R. Lansdale

Ring Names: Champion Joe, Captains Outrageous

Theme Song: “Fortunate Son” by Creedence Clearwater Revival

Finishing Move: Beats your face in with an actual alligator. Also, Lansdale teaches martial arts, so I assume the alligator knows karate.

Rivals: Anybody dumb enough to try to box him into a single genre. Death to the genre boxers.

 

03. H.P. Lovecraft

Ring Names: The Necronomicon, The Great Old One, The Elder God

Theme Song: “Behind the Wall of Sleep” by Black Sabbath

Finishing Move: Introduces you to cosmic horrors of the universe until you go mad and forfeit from not only the match, but from life.

Rivals: African Americans.

 

02. Thomas Pynchon

Ring Names: [redacted]

Theme Song: [redacted]

Finishing Move: [redacted]

Rivals: [redacted]

 

01. Chuck Palahniuk

Ring Names: Rant, The Cult, Robert Paulson

Theme Song: “Where is My Mind?” by The Pixies

Finishing Move: Rips off his face and reveals he was actually you the whole time, and you’ve just been punching yourself in the face over and over, you crazy bastard.

Rivals: Starbucks buildings, swimming pools, sleep.


Who would you add to this hypothetical wrestling corporation? Include your own ideas in the comments below. Let’s get this thing going.

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Comments

Jose F. Diaz's picture
Jose F. Diaz from Boston is reading Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel June 8, 2016 - 6:07am

Douglas Adams

Ring Name: The Hitchhiker, Salmon of Doubt, The Restatement

Theme Song: "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" by My Chemical Romance

Finishing Move: Makes everything absurd, throws self at the ground, misses, and flies away leaving opponent in a Vogon fugue state.

Rival: Mormons

 

Mark Twain

Ring Name: The White Stache, The Langhorne of Reason

Theme Song: "Cold Blooded Old Times" by Smog

Finishing Move: Belittles your every belief until you fall to the ground crying.

Rival: The Mississippi River

 

Kurt Vonnegut jr.

Ring Name: The Slaughterhouse

Theme Song: "I won't Back Down" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Finishing Move: Engulfs you in cigarette smoke and then you find yourself on Saturn, but it's okay.

Rival: Republicans, Capitalists (is there a difference?), The Industrial War Complex (but I repeat myself)

 

 

 

Joshua Chaplinsky's picture
Joshua Chaplinsky from New York is reading A lot of Brian Evenson June 8, 2016 - 1:51pm

No Headstrong?

Max's picture
Max from Texas is reading chinese takeout menus June 8, 2016 - 9:52pm

no joke, but I originally had a Chaplinsky entry with "Headstrong" as the theme song, but figured you'd be a jerk and just delete it.

Joshua Chaplinsky's picture
Joshua Chaplinsky from New York is reading A lot of Brian Evenson June 9, 2016 - 4:59am

Haha, I would have, but it still would have been funny.