Whenever I get a new book, I give the thing a thorough once-over before I dive in. I check its teeth, kick its tires, and generally read every scrap of information that isn't the story proper. This includes author blurbs, the table of contents, and any introductions or forewards. Then I flip the book over to read the synopsis on the back cover. It makes me feel prepared, and gives me a frame of reference for the journey I'm about to embark on. I even check out the author photo, to give a current face to the name.
Unfortunately, some things are better left unseen.
Not all high-profile writers are what you would call photogenic. And even if they're easy on the eyes, that doesn't mean they know shit for photo composition. You know the old adage, that a picture is worth a thousand words? Well if that's the case, then these bestselling authors need an editor, stat. Because they have taken some of the worst dust-jacket, promotional, and personal photos known to man. I present this list not to shame them, but to help other writers learn from their mistakes.
Haruki Murakami
What in the holy name of collegiate-emo-stalker is going on here? I can't believe I'm saying this, but this picture forces me to take Phil Jourdan's assertion that Murakami is a creepy, underage-breastophile a little more seriously.
I wish I could hold her in my arms like this, Mr. Tree.
Do not be hasty, Master Murakami, haroom.
But I'm cute and non-threatening.
Tell that to campus security. This isn't even your alma mater.
A word of advice: If your author photo looks like the FBI took it with a telephoto lens, it's time to fire your photographer.
Ayn Rand
I understand Ms. Rand is a woman celebrated for possessing a great inner beauty (due to her many humanitarian efforts), but please—send this one back, it's under-cooked. Her smile says, I'm just a homely gal from the typing pool looking to fit in, but her eyes scream, Say the word and I'll drop this frock and drain you dry behind the dumpster in the parking lot. Then I'll eat your soul and loot your corpse. In the old days, they had a polite way of referring to a woman of her facial aesthetics: handsome. But that doesn't mean they didn't know crazy-eyes when they saw them.
Shel Silverstein
Shel Silverstein is a repeat offender, which made it hard to choose just one, but in the end I decided to go with a classic. If you were the author of such beloved children's books as The Giving Tree and Where The Sidewalk Ends, why would you put a giant photo of yourself on the back cover that makes it look like you're an ogre who eats children? Or one that makes you look like the father of the banjo player from Deliverance? Or one with your shoes off and your legs spread like a sex offender? Or one that looks like you're showing us where you buried the body? Are you actively trying to be creepy?
Clive Barker
It's okay, Clive, we understand. We all make mistakes. You were young and naive. So when your publisher said, we think you should cut your hair like Richard Dean Anderson before you take your author photos, you figured they knew best, that MacGyver would never go off the air, and that his haircut would become timeless, like the Caesar or the Aniston. Lesson learned. It's not like you'd go on to use a photo of yourself looking like Clark Gable ON THE COVER of one of your own books. That would just be silly.
George R.R. Martin
It's bad enough you look like the love child of Guillermo del Toro, Gimli the dwarf, and Harry Knowles, so why would you let this picture happen? And what kind of utensils are you wielding there? An unopened switchblade and a miniature tuning fork? Are you hitting A440 in this picture? Or is this what you do while millions and millions of readers wait years for you to write the next Ice and Fire book? Now that you have HBO money, it must be lobsters and opera all the time.
Dan Brown
Sweet dad jeans and blazer combo, Dan. That look was all the rage back in the 90s. Which begs the question: Why is this your most recent author photo? Styles come and go, but good literature is forever. Which, I guess, leaves you shit out of luck, huh? I want to look away, but I feel like if I keep staring at this picture I'll eventually uncover a massive global conspiracy in which publishers inundate mainstream readers with crap to keep them uneducated and docile. Or maybe I'm just entranced by the pleats around your fatherly bulge.
Stephen King
This is the author photo from the back of King's very first novel, Carrie, and it is way scarier than anything he's ever written. The unibrow... those squinty eyes and inebriated smirk... the mismatched patterns... it's horrible! PUT IT AWAY! PLEASE!
Leo Tolstoy
I know Tolstoy was an intense intellectual, but I had no idea he so resembled a homicidal Howdy Doody doll. Granted, nobody smiled in old pictures due to long exposure times and bad teeth, but lighten up! Being a 19th century Russian novelist can't be that bad. If anyone had reason to scowl, it was your poor wife. She was only 18 when she married your 34 year-old ass, thinking you were the man of her dreams. Then you went and gave her a diary documenting your extensive sexual exploits as a wedding gift. Slick move, Romeo. The eve of one's wedding is not the ideal time to find out your fiancee fathered a bastard child with one of his servants.
Anne Rice
Who the fuck brought me this room temperature Tab?
Before she became the pleasant old woman who writes books about Jesus, Anne Rice went through a bit of an eccentric phase. Take this gaudy gothic number she wore to a signing for Memnoch the Devil. Black lace, Egyptian headdress, poofy shoulder poofs—that is not the outfit of a sane person. It is Dia de los Muertos meets Mardi Gras meets The Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland. And those eyes... Bryan Adams, what do those eyes say? Bryan: Look into my eyes, you will see... what a cold, carbonated beverage means to me...
Terry Goodkind
First of all, tight black Lycra t-shirt against an all black background equals floating head and disembodied arms (see also: Toni Morrison). Not the best creative choice, there. Secondly, Goodkind looks like that dude who practices his Devil Sticks on the boardwalk in Venice Beach every day, only with the eyes of a rapist instead of a jester hat. He is also more Drakkar Noir than patchouli. Don't ever accept a ride home from this man.
Dean Koontz
We all know the author of Must Love Dogs loves his dogs, but this one's a bit much. It's bad enough Koontz's helmet hairpiece makes him look like a phallus sitting between those two testicular orbs, but did he have to add Labrador lambada to the mix? It is the forbidden dance, after all. This picture is way scarier than anything Koontz has ever written.
V.C. Andrews
Young V.C. Andrews was a bit of a looker, but this photo—taken at a reading late in her career—is less than flattering. And by less than flattering, I mean she looks like Sloth from Goonies in a wig and pearls. Bay-bee-roooth! It looks like her neck is spontaneously trying to swallow her face from the inside. Or maybe the author of the lurid Dollanganger trilogy is still tickled pink by the thought of all the money she made off of eroticizing incest and child abuse. You go, girl!
There you have it, twelve terrible photos of bestselling authors. What do you think? Was I a little hard on these guys? Are there any particularly egregious examples I missed? Post your embarrassing author pics in the comments.
About the author
Joshua Chaplinsky is the Managing Editor of LitReactor. He is the author of The Paradox Twins (CLASH Books), the story collection Whispers in the Ear of A Dreaming Ape, and the parody Kanye West—Reanimator. His short fiction has been published by Vice, Vol. 1 Brooklyn, Thuglit, Severed Press, Perpetual Motion Machine Publishing, Broken River Books, and more. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram at @jaceycockrobin. More info at joshuachaplinsky.com and unravelingtheparadox.com.
