Cavalcade Of Literary Jerks: Part 1

Hero worship is a dangerous proposition, especially in literature. Writers are a notoriously temperamental bunch, and few are suited to a Brad Pitt level of public scrutiny. By putting your favorite author on a pedestal, you are setting yourself up for disappointment should you ever choose to peer behind the curtain. This is especially true in our futuristic computer world. The majority of my research for Cavalcade consisted of me Googling "[author's name] is a jerk." The zeroes and ones did the rest. Used to be in the old days you had to have an altercation with a celebrity on the street to get a bad impression of them. Now it's as easy as tapping a few keys.

And in less strokes than Billy Squier, here it is- the rotten fruits of my labor. The ten biggest jerks in all of literature. Consider yourself warned- your favorite author may well be on this list. So if you don't want to be exposed to the awful truth, click HERE to be whisked away to a happy place.

 

10. James Joyce

If you had written what is considered by many to be one of the greatest novels of all time, wouldn't you be a little conceited? Probably. Trouble is, Joyce was a pompous jerk before achieving literary canonization, years before he'd written his defining works.

This is best illustrated by a meeting that took place between Joyce and the poet Yeats some time around 1902. 20 year old Joyce showed no respect for his elder statesman, behaving like a right cad and an insolent young whippersnap. When the venerable Yeats offered to read some of Joyce's coffee house poetry, the young man had this to say: "I do so since you ask me, but I attach no more importance to your opinion than to anybody one meets on the street." Ouch. After firing off a number of similar indignities, Joyce ended the conversation with an equally offensive valediction. "We have met too late. You are too old for me to have any effect on you."

But the joke's on Joyce. His literary accomplishments will forever be overshadowed by his feminine flatulence fetish. In 1975, a series of dirty love letters between Joyce and his wife were published, detailing the "ins and outs" of their odiferous love making. It is the single greatest thing the man ever wrote.

At every fuck I gave you your shameless tongue came bursting out through your lips and if I gave you a bigger stronger fuck than usual, fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole. It is wonderful to fuck a farting woman when every fuck drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora's fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night. I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also.

9. Charles Dickens

From Pauline Frommer's London, concerning her visit to The Charles Dickens Museum:

As you watch the half hour biographical video... an unpleasant realization sets in: Charles Dickens was a compelling character but kind of a jerk. Tough on his kids and unfaithful to his wife, his greatest possession seems to have been his ego.

Child abuse (my spicy extrapolation) and adultery certainly qualify you for jerkdom, but these are minor infractions in the scheme of this list. More damning would be the allegations of anti-Semitism leveled at the man. I submit for your consideration, exhibit A- the character of Fagin in Oliver Twist. Fagin ran a school for juvenile pickpockets and is considered one of the most egregious caricatures of Jewish people in all of literature. He is repeatedly referred to as "The Jew," and is described as a "loathsome reptile, engendered in slime and darkness."

It sounds bad, but Dickens was quick to remedy the situation when criticized. Eliza Davis, wife of the man who purchased Dickens's home and the Al Sharpton of her day, called him out on his anti-Semitism in a strongly worded letter. As a result, Dickens yelled "Stop the press!" and omitted the offending terminology from all sections of the book yet to be typeset (this being the era of the serial).

Of course, it seems he didn't quite learn his lesson. A few years later in the travelogue, American Notes, he included an insensitive anecdote about a black coachman which I have never read, but imagine to rival the runaway winnebago scene from Sullivan's Travels in its casual racism. He also used this platform to make clear his position on the 15th amendment, saying, "the melancholy absurdity of giving these people votes, at any rate at present, would glare out of every roll of their eyes, chuckle in their mouths, and bump in their heads." Yikes!

 

8. James Ellroy

James Ellroy is the badass crime novelist behind The LA Quartet and The Underworld USA Trilogy. As anyone who's seen the man live can attest, he knows how to work a room. He is a larger than life personality prone to fits of rhyming, alliteration, and vainglorious boasting. He's the demon dog, the foul owl with the death growl, the white knight of the far right, the slick trick with the donkey dick, and by his own account, the greatest crime novelist who ever lived.

But does being over-confident make him a jerk? There's a fine line between dick and shtick, and Ellroy gets immense pleasure out of blurring it. There have been accounts of the bristly author bullying journalists and storming out of interviews. He also doesn't have much of a filter. When social commentator Mike Davis criticized his work, he said, “Being taken to task by Mike Davis in the ‘Chicago Review’ is like being date-raped by a premature ejaculator with a two inch dick.”

Then there are the allegations of misogyny, homophobia, and racism. All three run rampant in Ellroy's work, and there are those who feel this reflects the man's true nature. Anyone who's read The Hillicker Curse knows he worships women in his own sick and twisted way, so I would hesitate to call him a misogynist. As for homophobia and racism... I do detect a certain amount of glee on Ellroy's part when he uses pejorative language, but I would still argue that it is the characters who are racist, not the writer. Although, I can see why people would suspect. The first line of The Cold Six Thousand always gave me pause. "They sent him to Dallas to kill a nigger pimp named Wendell Durfee." When your unspecified third person narrator is a racist, you might be overdoing it just a little.

Ellroy's response to that? "If that offends you, fuck you. Put the book down. If you think I'm a racist, fuck you."

 

7. Bret Easton Ellis

I'm a little hesitant to brand Ellis a jerk, as I'm a big fan and he's a friend of The Cult (the website, not the band). The omnisexual bad boy behind Less Than Zero and American Psycho has never been anything but gracious with us, but in all fairness he has been known to make an inflammatory statement from time to time.

Case in point: in 2010, while discussing film adaptations of his work, Ellis said that women couldn't direct because they aren't stimulated by the visual, like men. "There's something about the medium of film itself that I think requires the male gaze." The interviewer was quick to point out that the director who brought his own American Psycho to the silver screen was, herself, a woman. Ellis responded by implying that director Mary Harron hadn't done the best of jobs with the material, and it was probably because she had a vagina. 

Shocked? This is nothing new. Ellis has always been a provocateur, but since the advent of social media, it seems he's redoubled his efforts to piss people off. Most recently, he's come under fire for insensitive and rabble-rousing statements made via Twitter, where every stray syllable is the shot heard 'round the world. He likened watching Glee to stepping in a puddle of HIV and called Pride "Gay Shame Weekend." In response to the "It Gets Better" campaign, he wrote, "Not to bum everyone out, but can we get a reality check here? It gets worse."

Then there was the infamous J.D. Salinger tweet: "Thank God he's finally dead. I've been waiting for this day for-fucking-ever. Party Tonight!!!" Was this to be taken literally, or was it more of the author's satirical wit? In an interview with the man, I asked him what he meant by the remark,  but he was evasive, saying only, "What do YOU think it meant?"

I think the man likes fucking with us.


6. Laura Albert aka JT Leroy

JT Leroy was an HIV positive, transgender, recovering addict of a literary sensation who was forced into truck stop prostitution by his mother at the tender age of 12. Subjected to a bevy of hairy bellies and alcohol drenched breath, who would dare call such an unfortunate a jerk? Notice the use of the word "was" in that first sentence. I say "was" because JT turned out to be the creation of an unknown writer named Laura Albert, who used his sad tale of addiction and abuse to launch her own literary career.

He/she suckered in a whole host of well-meaning literary types via fax (this was the mid 90's), including novelist Dennis Cooper and poet Sharon Olds. As notoriety built and the masquerade continued, Albert recruited her 18 year old sister-in-law, Savannah Knoop, to play Leroy in public. Knoop would go on to inhabit the character for 6 long, gender-bending years.

There were skeptics, but celebrities flocked to defend the damaged recluse. According to Wikipedia, Garbage singer Shirley Manson wrote to JT, "I have held hands with him, I know he is for real." (Not sure why JT would need convincing, as he was the one perpetrating the hoax, but whatever.) Asia Argento, director of The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things, would hold more than just hands with the diminutive waif. She claims she didn't know. Others say she did.

That's some heavy shit for a teenage girl to handle (she would go on to write a book about it). Not only that, but according to an interview with The Paris Review, Albert claims crew members on the set of Heart would offer JT/Knoop drugs to get closer to him/her. I don't know what's worse, offering drugs to a recovering addict, or putting a teenager in such a dangerous position to further your own career.

Still, Albert isn't the worst offender on this list. The literary hoax is a grand tradition, dating all the way back to the beginning of time when God wrote the Bible. I kind of admire her resourcefulness, as self-serving as it was. The emotional collateral damage of Knoop, however, is less easy to forgive. But don't worry, my vengeful minions, Albert's uppence would come. In 2007, she was found guilty of fraud for falsifying legal documents and forced to make monetary reparation to some rinky-dink film company. Small victories.

*****

Thus concludes part 1 of LitReactor's epic Calvalcade of Literary Jerks. You can thank my bloated word count for the cliffhanger. Stay tuned to these pages for our second glorious installment. If you think these guys were bad, just wait until you see the top five. Things get downright nasty.

Predictions? Disagreements? Outrage? Sound off in the comments, people. That's what they're there for.

Cavalcade of Literary Jerks Part 2

Jacey Cockrobin

Column by Joshua Chaplinsky

Joshua Chaplinsky is the Managing Editor of LitReactor.com. He has also written for the popular film site Screen Anarchy and for ChuckPalahniuk.net, the official website of 'Fight Club' author Chuck Palahniuk. He is the author of 'Kanye West—Reanimator.' His short fiction has appeared in Zetetic, Motherboard, Vol. 1 Brooklyn, Thuglit, Dark Moon Digest, Pantheon Magazine, and multiple print anthologies. More info at joshuachaplinsky.com.

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Comments

Brandon's picture
Brandon from KCMO is reading Made to Break September 24, 2011 - 12:28pm

Ha!  Love this article!

Good stuff.

Chester Pane's picture
Chester Pane from Portland, Oregon is reading The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz September 29, 2011 - 7:58am

"We have met too late. You are too old for me to have any effect on you." James Joyce. But you have to admit it is funny.

Nice. Yeah James Ellroy is a piece of work. My 15-year-old son and I caught him in Portland two years ago. My son still talks about the F-bombs and Ellroy's vitriol.

The literary hoax is a grand tradition, dating all the way back to the beginning of time when God wrote the Bible.

 

Laughing.

Oh, I also perused the 'Happy Place' button. Fell into the cute abyss for a while.

Erin's picture
Erin from Omaha is reading manuscripts... October 1, 2011 - 6:57am

I've been waiting all week to share this article! Loved it.

Tucson's picture
Tucson from Belgium is reading There once lived a woman who tried to kill her neighbor's baby — Ludmilla Petrushevskaya October 7, 2011 - 7:53am

I think the ever-so-shy-and-thus-perceived-as-a-jerk J.M. Coetzee will come across, Salinger himself (but what use was his death when no unknown works are being published?) and macho man Ernest Hemingway. Bids are accepted.

 
bryantunick's picture
bryantunick from New York, NY is reading The Shining October 7, 2011 - 8:04am

Wow, love the fart fantasies of Joyce.  Not sure it makes him a jerk, but it definitely makes him weird.  However, he was a genius, so maybe we're all missing something...

postpomo's picture
postpomo from Canada is reading words words words October 7, 2011 - 8:57am

great subject and good on you for the research (and the abyss of cuteness).

I hope my favourite writers are all jerks - if not, I've sadly misjudged the books by their covers.

Jen Todd's picture
Jen Todd is reading your lifeline and all signs are good October 7, 2011 - 9:09am

Mmm.  And the jerks consume it like Scooby Snacks. 

Tina's picture
Tina is reading Drive, James Sallis October 7, 2011 - 9:35am

Joyce. I can't even.

Joshua Chaplinsky's picture
Joshua Chaplinsky from New York is reading A lot of Brian Evenson October 7, 2011 - 10:17am

Oh yes you can!

BlacknBlue's picture
BlacknBlue from Fort Lauderdale, FL is reading "Jennifer Government" By: Max Barry October 7, 2011 - 10:18am

"The literary hoax is a grand tradition, dating all the way back to the beginning of time when God wrote the Bible"

This was the funniest thing i've read in a while. Kudos, but prepare to get your inbox flooded.

Tina's picture
Tina is reading Drive, James Sallis October 7, 2011 - 10:56am

I never could get through Finnegan's Wake. Maybe I'll try again and just imagine it's one long fart joke.

Joshua Chaplinsky's picture
Joshua Chaplinsky from New York is reading A lot of Brian Evenson October 7, 2011 - 10:58am

Hahaha. Adds a whole new level of subtext.

Jeremy Robert Plante's picture
Jeremy Robert Plante from Calgary, Alberta Canada is reading Several books a month. Listing them would mean numerous updates. October 7, 2011 - 11:34am

Glad you mentioned Bret Easton Ellis. I'm a fan of his writing, but will never go to any of his readings or signing engagements again. The mind is great, the man is ... less than amiable.

T.H. Coggins's picture
T.H. Coggins from Denver is reading The Bayou Trilogy - Daniel Woodrell October 7, 2011 - 11:59am

Recently saw the movie "Who Is K.K. Downing", and realize it is based on the Laura Albert aka JT Leroy saga.  Can't what for the top 5.

Joshua Chaplinsky's picture
Joshua Chaplinsky from New York is reading A lot of Brian Evenson October 7, 2011 - 1:06pm

Did not know that. Gonna have to check that film out.

Dennis's picture
Admin
Dennis from Hollywood is reading Charles Laughton: A Difficult Actor by Simon Callow October 7, 2011 - 3:31pm

Glad you mentioned Bret Easton Ellis. I'm a fan of his writing, but will never go to any of his readings or signing engagements again. The mind is great, the man is ... less than amiable.

I spent about three+ hours at Ellis' apartment, interviewing him for ChuckPalahniuk.net at the time The Informers movie was coming out, and I honestly found him very polite, self-deprecating and funny.  Was a great experience, overall.

Twisted Wit's picture
Twisted Wit from Los Angeles October 7, 2011 - 6:24pm

Whoah, James Joyce is the fuckin man.  Honey badger incarnate.

Liana's picture
Liana from Romania and Texas is reading Naked Lunch October 7, 2011 - 8:15pm

Wow - who would have thought. I was afraid Faulkner would make the list.

More letters from authors to their loved one please!

Ben Umstead's picture
Ben Umstead from L.A. is reading Speedboat by Renata Adler October 8, 2011 - 9:42am

Hilarious, and not just for the Joyce fart fetish, just down right acorbatic in its language. By far the most gleefully written piece I've read of your's, Mr. Chaplinsky -- it is quite obvious how much fun this was to write.

As for the jerks, well I'm seeing a running theme of bow ties thus far, so contradictory to the Doctor's assessment that "bow ties are cool", I now tend to wonder if bow ties are indeed the choice tie for jerks.

Oh, and everytime I see a picture of Joyce I can't but help and be reminded of a James Bond villain.

Joshua Chaplinsky's picture
Joshua Chaplinsky from New York is reading A lot of Brian Evenson October 8, 2011 - 3:08pm

I see what you did there, Dennis.

I, too, have interviewed Ellis in person, and like I said, he was nothing but gracious, if not a little capricious. The man has a sharp tongue and knows how to give good sound bite (or is it tweet bite?). I love him no less.

Dan's picture
Dan from Santa Monica, CA is reading Beautiful You by Chuck Palahniuk October 8, 2011 - 3:21pm

I used to be very jealous of JT LeRoy. He was so young and he wrote for all the cool magazines like Black Book and Flaunt. And he had all the buzz.

There was this one interview in Black Book where he was asked if he could trade in all his fame/success for a normal childhood/life. He said he would do it in a heartbeat. It was then that I felt very sorry for him.

I also felt even more sorry for his young son "Thor" that he often mentioned in his articles/essays. Assuming that JT would probably not be a good parent.

When I found out JT was a hoax, "Thor" was who I thought of first. I assume the kid was part of the hoax too. Let's hope so.

.'s picture
. October 11, 2011 - 1:14pm

I remember seeing Ellis' tweets when they were first posted. I laughed at all of them. Tweeting is so post-empire

No but he is awesome though. 

brindleyg's picture
brindleyg October 12, 2011 - 9:24pm

I've been a fan of BEE since I was 15 years old and happened upon "Less Than Zero" in a book store in Atlanta.  That book turned my little world upside down. I talked my English Lit professor into letting me do my term paper on BEE and his work which at that point only consisted of LTZ, "Rules of Attraction," and an article or two.  I am now 40 years old and finally got to meet him at a book signing in DC last year.  He was hysterical, self- deprecating, and entertaining. When I told him about the term paper, he looked up from signing my book and asked me, "Well, what did you get on it?"  

I agree that he is a jerk, but my appreciation for him, for his work and for whatever force guided me to that book in Oxford Books in Atlanta, is unwavering.  For a 15 year old girl from Alabama in 1984 - LTZ shook me to the core.  It changed the way I thought, it changed the way I approached things, the things to which I became attuned. The fact that he may be a jerk is inconsequential in any way other than the fact I believe he would be flattered and/or disappointed you didn't come up with a more descriptive and offensive term for him.

Keith's picture
Keith from Phoenix, AZ is reading Growing Up Dead in Texas by Stephen Graham Jones October 14, 2011 - 7:52pm

Here's my Ellroy story.
My wife (then girlfriend) and I went to see Ellroy at the Poisoned Pen in Scottsdale, AZ when he was touring for Destination: Morgue! As expected he worked the room, cracking everybody up with his spiel. He breaks to sign books, we're the last ones in the signing line because we have a mountain of books for him to autograph. We finally get to him and I start asking him a few questions as he signs, but the entire time he's eyeing my wife like she's a piece of meat and hitting on her left and right. Anyway, I turn my back for a few minutes to talk with another reader and suddenly my wife grabs me and we rush out of the store.
I asked my wife what the hurry was and she was bright red and she says:
"He asked if I wanted to go back to his hotel room."
We of course busted up and giggled the whole way home and still chuckle about it to this day.

Great series, Josh! I really enjoyed both entries.

Joshua Chaplinsky's picture
Joshua Chaplinsky from New York is reading A lot of Brian Evenson October 14, 2011 - 11:02pm

Ellroy hit on your woman! I'd wear it like a badge of honor.

Keith's picture
Keith from Phoenix, AZ is reading Growing Up Dead in Texas by Stephen Graham Jones October 15, 2011 - 10:36am

Trust me, I love telling that story. 

Daniel Donche's picture
Daniel Donche from Seattle is reading Transubstantiate, by Richard Thomas December 28, 2011 - 2:06pm

Good article. I didn't find any racism in that video, though.

Joshua Chaplinsky's picture
Joshua Chaplinsky from New York is reading A lot of Brian Evenson December 28, 2011 - 2:27pm

You might be too young, then. It's all about context.