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SamaLamaWama's picture

Yes, Admin

By SamaLamaWama in Teleport Us

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Description

Born out of necessity, Bridge Intelligent Beings were created to allow humans the accessibility to work outside their homes without risking the raging pandemic. Partially controlled by human Administrators, BIs function as humans in the larger cities. They have apartments, cars, and jobs to fuel commerce. They are attractive, smart, obedient, and highly sexual.

So, you’re probably asking yourself, what could possibly go wrong. Plenty.

It's Blade Runner meets Nine 1/2 Weeks 

Comments

Kirabug's picture
Kirabug from Southeastern PA is reading all the graphic novels in the house February 14, 2013 - 9:14pm

There's a continuity error around page 11 where the crowd puts the sack back overOctober's head but she can see Lennon's smile in the next paragraph. Also, there are some hyphenation errors in some of your sentences -- words that should be hyphenated but aren't, and it alters the readability of the sentence. You might want to avoid using Taser by name, not just because it's a brand name, but also because they're generally fired as projectiles and the tool October carries appears to require her to make direct contact with her assailant.

Overall I found the writing readable, but I didn't enjoy it.

The science could use some fleshing out. There was no actual explanation of how the transmissions between the admin and the Bridge Intelligent Beings worked, so I couldn't figure out how October being stabbed with a syringe would harm her Admin. 

The references to games were confusing. Are games some kind of specific act that the Admins sign up for or arrange in advance or something? Are they scripted or unscripted? How do you tell a game from a generalized act of violence?

The violence -- particularly the car/police chase -- seemed gratuitous. Your story does well at exposing that this is a violent sex-crazed dystopian society without requiring that scene, and any shooting would have moved the plot along. 

I also couldn't tell if any of the people she interacted with were 100% people. Or why a company that created fake humans with DNA would be motivated to allow them to maintain their own emotions and experiences. Why not just create robots?

I found the idea that October would measure happiness by an orgasm to be, well, repulsive. It didn't seem realistic that after being raped as often as she's been raped, one of her rapists changing genders would suddenly physically turn her on to the point that she'd override her Admin. Had they done something else to break the Admin's orders and still done something that caused happiness, I would have found it less repulsive. 

In other words, her changeover from "Lennon is the enemy" to "I want this BI7 to rock my world" was way way too fast. Describe and tighten up the  up the science so it's more science fiction and less salacious rape fest, add some reason for October's change of heart, and you'll have a better tale.

SamaLamaWama's picture
SamaLamaWama from Dallas is reading Something Wicked This Way Comes February 15, 2013 - 9:17am

Thanks so much for the feedback. I'll review it over the next few days. I appreciate you taking the time.

~Sam

SamaLamaWama's picture
SamaLamaWama from Dallas is reading Something Wicked This Way Comes February 25, 2013 - 8:41am

Kirabug, I revised the story based on some of your feedback. I'd love for you to read the new version below if you have the time. Thanks, Sam

Grant Williams's picture
Grant Williams from Wichita, KS is reading Friday February 15, 2013 - 6:52am

I enjoyed reading this story.  It's more gratuitous than things I typically read, but I felt it read well.  I would have like more explanation of the science behind it, but I suspend my disbelief quite easily, so it wasn't necessary for me to accept it.  I would have also enjoyed seeing a resolution with the Admin.  Beyond that, I thought you detailed the environment quite well, really touching on how filthy people could become in a society where they are allowed to live out their desires with no risk to their mortal body.

SamaLamaWama's picture
SamaLamaWama from Dallas is reading Something Wicked This Way Comes February 15, 2013 - 9:18am

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate your feedback.

~Sam

SamaLamaWama's picture
SamaLamaWama from Dallas is reading Something Wicked This Way Comes February 25, 2013 - 8:44am

Hi Grant, I've revised the story based on the feedback I've gotten from everyone. I know there are tons of stories that need a read, but if you find the time I'd love for you to read the revisions. ~Thanks, Sam 

GG_Silverman's picture
GG_Silverman from Seattle February 20, 2013 - 8:11pm

Hey! 

I thought your use of language was quite beautiful, I loved your terse descriptions, and you immediately sink us into an obviously dystopian world. The "admin" concept was very intriguing, though, without your synopsis above, I had trouble grasping exactly how the admin was connected to the Bridge Intelligent Beings, and started feeling lost, and had trouble moving forward.

Beautiful writing, though. If you took another pass, I'd be interested in a re-read.

-g

SamaLamaWama's picture
SamaLamaWama from Dallas is reading Something Wicked This Way Comes February 21, 2013 - 8:43am

Hi G—
Thanks so much for the feedback. I'm going to revise so the Admin/BI connection and science behind everything is a little clearer. As usual, I can see the connection so perfectly in my head, I just need to actually put it on paper. I appreciate your critique and hope you’ll reconsider your rating after you've read the revised version. Thanks again for your time.
~Sam
 

GG_Silverman's picture
GG_Silverman from Seattle February 21, 2013 - 9:26am

Sounds great. Your writing is so gorgeous, I can't wait to see the next rev!

SamaLamaWama's picture
SamaLamaWama from Dallas is reading Something Wicked This Way Comes February 25, 2013 - 8:47am

Hi GG, I revised based on some of your feedback and would love for you to read again. I leaned a big lesson in humility and not posting too soon. I'd appreciate your take on the changes. Thanks again for your help. Your story is the next on my list. ~Sam 

GG_Silverman's picture
GG_Silverman from Seattle February 25, 2013 - 9:01am

Congrats on completing a revision! Revising is tough, so each rev should be celebrated with a victory lap! <high-fives you>

I will probably get to re-read it in the next day or two. (I just realized I'm behind on reading for my writer's group--eek!)  I plan to get back to you in a couple of days at latest. :))

Happy Monday!

-g

GG_Silverman's picture
GG_Silverman from Seattle February 25, 2013 - 11:46am

Well, I managed to find a spot of time over lunch, and was compelled to read this again. Like a kid with a new toy, I just couldn't wait to play!

And...wow! It makes so much more sense to me, the connection between the Admins & BIB are very clear, and the story flows so much better. Clever concept. This story has an important feel to it--as society progresses and we meld more and more with technology, free will vs. slavery will continue to be an issue we have to address. 

Thumbs....up!

-g

P.S. I can totally see this as a movie. 

SamaLamaWama's picture
SamaLamaWama from Dallas is reading Something Wicked This Way Comes February 25, 2013 - 2:47pm

I'm doing a happy dance! No, really. My co-workers are calling HR right now.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for giving it another chance. I know there's a ton of great work on this site and I'm thrilled you took the time to look at it again. ~Sam

GG_Silverman's picture
GG_Silverman from Seattle February 25, 2013 - 7:15pm

:D

Juice Ica's picture
Juice Ica from Rhode Island is reading The Twelve by Justin Cronin & Beautiful Creatures February 22, 2013 - 10:51am

I liked this story. Your writing is quite lovely and well done. Your descriptions are gorgeous and I can totally SEE the world you've created. The car chase in the beginning is not gratuitous - I thought it did a nice job of illustrating how horrible this world is and then the next scene of the people having sex and the man being so totally horndog, gross about it was a good way to hammer home that idea. Of course, I dont find this type of writing offensive and I enjoy it if it is done well - which it is. 

There is a slight continuity error when she is with the resistance people and it says the bag is put back over her head and then she can see Lennen again? You might want to revise that a bit becuase I did get confused for a second. 

Other than the lack of science, which would only enhance this story and offer some clarification on how the syringe would destroy her Admin, this is a well written story and none of it is "repulsive" as one reader expressed. I find the idea that an honest to god, happy orgasm made this woman see that life CAN be enjoyed. Its an organic, earthy way to show her what their cause is about. Seeing as these bots are "highly sexualized" it seems like the perfect way to express their point, that everyone deserves the chance to be happy. Well done.

SamaLamaWama's picture
SamaLamaWama from Dallas is reading Something Wicked This Way Comes February 25, 2013 - 8:34am

Juice, Thanks for the comments. God, I was beginning to think no one would like it. I actually spent the weekend revising the story and added in some science and motivation for October, along with the bag scene. I'd love for you to read the new version, if you have the time. I'm with you--a really good orgasm can change the world. :)

 

Thanks again. I'll return the favor shortly.~Sam
 

Juice Ica's picture
Juice Ica from Rhode Island is reading The Twelve by Justin Cronin & Beautiful Creatures February 25, 2013 - 10:27am

Im glad that my review made you feel a little better! I'll certainly give it another read today and give you some feedback.

Ahhh I wish I had a story up here, I didnt get it together fast enough, Im hoping for the next contest. It has been great fun reading everyone's stuff on here!

SamaLamaWama's picture
SamaLamaWama from Dallas is reading Something Wicked This Way Comes February 25, 2013 - 10:44am

I'll look for you on the boards when the next contest comes around, but please feel free to message when you put something up. I'd like to return the favor. ~Sam  

Juice Ica's picture
Juice Ica from Rhode Island is reading The Twelve by Justin Cronin & Beautiful Creatures February 25, 2013 - 11:08am

I just read your revised story. First, revisions are HARD so you have a major high five from me that you did it so quickly. Second, what a great revision!! You put science in there that makes sense but there are no hiccups in the story, you smoothed it out quite flawlessly. I am once again struck by how gorgeous your writing is, you paint a beautiful picture with this story. 

I love the changes you made to the ending especially, you have the syringe come out, make it so the Admin goes the hell away (thank god) and then she passes on the address (which is what they wanted from her in the first place) and it makes total SENSE (to me at least). It brings everything full circle. She doesnt want to be a slave to him, you feel that in the first few paragraphs, you feel her disgust of the world and her place in it and so to me its quite believeable when she meets Lennen he/she rocks her world and she realizes her entire LIFE could be this liberated and free and happy. Yes, yes yes. This went from good to great in one revision. 

One thing I would say is give it a quick go over as there are a lot of instances where there isnt a space between words as it should be. Easy fix and not even that big a deal, I just noticed it in quite a few places today when I read.

Nice job, good work and if I could give you another thumbs up I would!!

SamaLamaWama's picture
SamaLamaWama from Dallas is reading Something Wicked This Way Comes February 25, 2013 - 2:43pm

Wow! I really appreciate that you went back and read it again. What's funny (not funny ha-ha, funny sad) is that when I let my girlfriend read the story. She voiced all the comments that everyone here had (except for the repulsive comment). She didn't understand the science. She didn't get October's transition. I overruled her and thought that my fellow writers would get it. Well, most of them didn't. So I will be taking her advice next time for sure. Big lesson learned. I guess we're all here to learn something and that was my lesson.


The missing spaces are not showing up on the copy I have on my computer, so I'll check it out from my home computer. Thanks for the heads up.


Thanks again for comments. I really mean it--THANKS! It makes me feel so much better. I'm in your debt. Please let me know when you have a story on the boards and I'll be happy to review. ~Sam
 

Juice Ica's picture
Juice Ica from Rhode Island is reading The Twelve by Justin Cronin & Beautiful Creatures February 26, 2013 - 7:59am

Im glad I was able to be helpful to you. Thats why we are all here, to learn about our writing. Ive been having a total blast reading what people have put up here, Sci Fi is not the genre I write in so I kind of wish I had seen this contest sooner so I could have given it a go but next time for sure. 

Ahhh our hubris when we dont listen to our editors, Ive done the same thing! And had the same end result. So it happens to all of us. The important thing is to always learn and keep learning and practicing. I think that its so hard to not take critiques personally sometimes since our writing is such an extension of ourselves!

That all said, I really do dig this story. I admire your bravery in just going for the sex and violence nad not shying away from it. As you can see from some of the comments, not everyone appreciates that, (I still think repulsive is a strong word to use against this story. But I feel if you get strong reactions like that you are totally doing something right!) personally, I admire it.

Honestly, I admire every single person here who can write and show it to the "world" - it takes guts!

I wish you luck in the contest and I will definetly drop you a line when I post a story on here. Be well and keep writing!

SamaLamaWama's picture
SamaLamaWama from Dallas is reading Something Wicked This Way Comes February 27, 2013 - 8:47am

Thanks again for the pep talk. Being a writer is sometimes like having multiple personalities that can’t stand one another. One is always telling you that your work it's the greatest thing ever written while the other is telling you you’re a worthless hack and to give it up before you turn into an alcoholic bag lady living in a van down by the river. I wish just once, they would be in harmony. Thanks again Juice.     

Juice Ica's picture
Juice Ica from Rhode Island is reading The Twelve by Justin Cronin & Beautiful Creatures February 27, 2013 - 9:51am

haha right? Damn multiple personalities. When Im in hardcore writing mode I sometimes get confused between my two realities as well so really, being a writer really is a study in insanity. Isnt that comforting? :)

ArlaneEnalra's picture
ArlaneEnalra from Texas is reading Right now I'm editing . . .. February 23, 2013 - 4:22pm

That's a dark world you have there. Sexual content is not something I usually seek out when looking for something to read, but you've done a reasonable job of keeping it from being purely gratuitous. It's a little difficult to believe that something so much worse than slavery would be put into place on such an enormous scale. Still, the story is a very smooth read.

Good work!

SamaLamaWama's picture
SamaLamaWama from Dallas is reading Something Wicked This Way Comes February 25, 2013 - 8:39am

ArlaneEnalra, thanks so much for the comments. I too, hope our society would never go back to slavery, but history often repeats itself. I actually spent the weekend revising the story based on the feedback above. If you have the free time, I'd love for you to read the new version.
 

Thanks again for the feedback. I'll return the favor shortly. ~ Sam

 

SamaLamaWama's picture
SamaLamaWama from Dallas is reading Something Wicked This Way Comes February 25, 2013 - 9:44am

Hi Everyone, I've revised the story based on the feedback I've received. Thanks to everyone for their comments. I'm learning as I go. Thanks, Sam

 

Wendy Hammer's picture
Wendy Hammer from Indiana is reading One Night in Sixes March 5, 2013 - 8:11am

This is a very interesting story, especially in its exploration of control, freedom, and what it means to be human.  I liked your style too.  It fits the story and the character has a distinctive voice. 

Most of the sex works in context.  I can see why it is there and I think October's reactions make a lot of sense.  I was certainly on her side. The one thing that seems off is that final scene.  I think that with some tweaking, I'd be satisfied.  The equation of happiness=orgasm is too strong. I think the important element is that it the act and the arousal is independent: her choice.  That gets a bit subsumed into the sex act.  With just another line or two, I think the balance would shift enough for me to get on board.  

Overall, though, this is a good read. Also, great title! 

SamaLamaWama's picture
SamaLamaWama from Dallas is reading Something Wicked This Way Comes March 5, 2013 - 9:37am

Thanks for the comments. I appreciate you taking the time to review. I'm going to think about the final scene a little more. You're the second poster who commented that it was a little too much, and while I don't want the story to lose that edginess, I do want to make sure the overall take away from that scene is one of liberation wrapped up in an orgasm--make sense? I want to show that when October took a chance as was in the ‘moment’, that's when she found herself. It’s a work in progress.


Thanks again for your comments. BTW- I loved your story. Would you believe the last book I read was The Running Man and the book I'm reading now is A Brave New World? I chose them to fully immerse myself in the Sci-Fi world.


Thanks again for your comments. ~Sam
 

Wendy Hammer's picture
Wendy Hammer from Indiana is reading One Night in Sixes March 5, 2013 - 10:47am

No problem!  I enjoyed the story.  I think what you're going for in the final makes sense and that it's almost there.  Maybe I'm being particularly picky because it would be easy to for a reader to concentrate on just the sex....and that would be a shame. I really think that what you are exploring is unique and very cool! It might be solved for me with one more line of dialogue or narration, you know?

I'm glad you liked my story too!  And, yeah, BNW and RMan are classics and they influenced me too, I'm sure.  (I think I need to revisit them soon!). 

 

klahol's picture
klahol from Stockholm, Sweden is reading Black Moon March 5, 2013 - 10:47am

Cool story! I liked your character building - you did well describing the world as seen through the eyes of a slave. 

As to the tech - I kind of have a hard time accepting the idea that humanity has created remote-controlled clones that are 90% human to live in a world post-pandemic. And while that world is dark (ish) its not really dystopic. 

I think you could have made the world even darker. A world where living through proxy is a dire necessity. 

One of my favourite books is Exit Funtopia by Mick Farren. That book similarly features a city. Where the inhabitants live life playing out fantasy games in a future dystopia. 

SamaLamaWama's picture
SamaLamaWama from Dallas is reading Something Wicked This Way Comes March 5, 2013 - 1:11pm

Thanks so much for the comments. The story is a work in progress. I'm still tinkering with the specifics of the world and the genetic makeup of the BIs before I explore the story line any further.
 

Thanks for the book suggestion, I'll check it out. I don't usually read Sci-Fi, but I'm realizing that I really like it. ~Sam
  

Adam Jenkins's picture
Adam Jenkins from Bracknell, England is reading RCX Magazine (Issue 1 coming soon) March 6, 2013 - 5:24am

You have a cracking concept here, and I think the execution is very good too.  Judging from the other comments, I've read a revised version, but I thought it had a really good flow to it.  The language is good, with just the occasional dip onto the flowery side.  I'm loving the extrapolation from those Second Life type games, and while it's a brave move to go with these being real human beings(ish), it gives you so much to play with in terms of conflict.  This world has so much potential.  I didn't much care about not understanding the science, it still worked for me making that leap.  I really don't think I need to know exactly what the games are or how they work either.  The only bit that I didn't quite get was why she feels breath down her back when the Admin takes control.  If it's just meant to be a slightly creepy sign that she feels internally rather than externally, I'd make that a little clearer.  As for the ending I can see why other commenters have taken issue with it, but I think it works to an extent as a metaphor for her eyes opening to the world around.  Orgasm is a powerful metaphor, it just perhaps needs a little more work here.  I really did enjoy this.

SamaLamaWama's picture
SamaLamaWama from Dallas is reading Something Wicked This Way Comes March 6, 2013 - 12:50pm

Thanks so much for taking the time to review. I appreciate your comments tremendously. I do need to work on the breath over her should a little more. To me it was more like a sixth-sense feeling the BIs get. I’ll work on making that clearer in the next revision and tinkering with the ending a little more. Thanks again for your comments. ~Sam 

ender.che.13's picture
ender.che.13 from Northwestern U.S. living in the southeast peach. is reading Ken Follett March 7, 2013 - 8:08pm

Great job, and tastefully executed.

SamaLamaWama's picture
SamaLamaWama from Dallas is reading Something Wicked This Way Comes March 11, 2013 - 8:25am

Thanks so much for reading. I'm glad you liked the story. ~Sam

Linda's picture
Linda from Sweden is reading Fearful Symmetries March 14, 2013 - 12:21pm

Well, this is certainly something of a serenade to sex. Not only is it the definition of happiness, but it will set you free. I'll admit it made me smile, even if it was not the road to freedom I had been expecting.

I really enjoyed your story, it's quirky and thoughtful and full of interesting little details. I wish you would have allowed just a little more attention for the baby killer. I mention this in my LBL, but it was only on my 2nd read that I realized that he is (I think) the one behind the missing persons ads in the beginning. For whatever reason, his reappearance made me happy, but I would never have had the chance to enjoy it if I'd only read the story once.

I agree with some of the previous reviewers, the technology needs to be fleshed out some. It didn't particularly bother me while reading but thinking back on it yields quite a few question marks. That said, I like the concept, and I think it will work great if you can just expand a little on how it all works.

I kidnapped your .pdf and .doc:ed it because commenting on a .pdf is pain. As a result, I messed up your formatting a bit. Moving the dialogue to separate paragraphs was intentional though, but it's just how I prefer it, so feel free to ignore my meddling if you like mixing it up.

Most of my thoughts are in the LBL, so I'll leave it here.

Thanks for sharing!

SamaLamaWama's picture
SamaLamaWama from Dallas is reading Something Wicked This Way Comes March 14, 2013 - 1:42pm

Linda, thanks so much for the feedback. This is my first LBL—I feel like one of the cool kids. :) I skimmed your suggestions. They're very useful. I'll be sure to use them for the next draft. I'm still working out the technology side of the story. It's a little hazy in my head, but I'll flesh it out more. Thanks again for taking the time to read, it's much appreciated. ~Sam   

Liam Hogan's picture
Liam Hogan from Earth is reading Hugo Nominations March 16, 2013 - 6:18am

Good writing - but I should have read the "It's blade runner meets 9 1/2 weeks" warning! Actually it's not, as 9 1/2 weeks is consensual. This is in much trickier moral territory. It's well written, but a dirty little thing - deliberately so.

You may need therefore to carefully pick who you think the audience is for it!

But lets move past that, as I say it's well written, so I'm voting a thumbs up. It's the best worst dystopia I've read so far. Not particularly "alien" (despite your assertion... ) and body morphing is somewhat a stretch (ha ha) for the rest of the real-life GTA science fiction, but thankfully it IS fiction... (You might have to explain the body morphing if you take it further though!)

If we are to totally believe this world, then we want to know the mechanics. What do admins do when not "Online" - do they have multiple surrogates? As the surrogates are not (direct) clones of the admins, who are they clones of? Why can she feel his "hot breath"? If she tunes out during the what I'm afraid I'm going to class as rape, and her heart isn't racing, how good is the connection between admin and clone? All things to make sure you fully understand, to inform the story. Is commerce in the City a game, or serious? Who does the terrible jobs (street cleaners etc? or don't they get done?) How much does it cost to total a clone, (how rich are the game players who kill/get killed) and if she is 18mths old, how do they train them? It would be simple enough to add safeguards such that BI's CAN'T pass beyond city limits, so why isn't that the case?

Is the epidemic still a factor? Is it even (strictly) necessary, when you can imagine enough money being the reason for the whole game?

On the story itself, it's of course a classic robots/slaves/controlled clones rising up against their masters story - so you may need to tweak it to be more original. I like the fact that Lennon's admin is a sympathiser, does that mean he's completely hands off his clone? What is their intent with Admin's address? Coercion? Or death? Given he's an important man, surely NOT death?

Given October (A name that is introduced too late in the story to feature much) starts off saying she "hates it" - what are her feelings when Lennon and co say they are going to release her? We need to buy more into this, than "simply" being driven by a sexual encounter.

One last, final, throw away thought. What does admin think of his clone? Can you imagine the conversations he could force upon her? The insults, the sexual taunts, the dredgings from his mind... You could easily set it up, so that all she really wants from her admin is silence.

Anyway, hopefully lots to think about, and hopefully some of it is useful!

 

 

 

 

 

SamaLamaWama's picture
SamaLamaWama from Dallas is reading Something Wicked This Way Comes March 17, 2013 - 11:30am

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my story You've brought up a lot of really good questions. Some of them I originally included in the short story, but had to cut due to the size. I'm working on an outline now and I'll will make sure your questions are addressed. I know I'm always going to have a problem with the morphing--so I'm going to have to brainstorm other options. Thanks again for taking the time to read. ~Sam   

Ethan Cooper's picture
Ethan Cooper from Longview, TX is reading The Kill Room, Heart-Shaped Box, Dr. Sleep March 28, 2013 - 11:04am

Ok, for me, this was a great story. Very enjoyable all the way through, despite that persistent feeling of ick that was there imagining a world like this. But I'm pretty sure that's at least one reaction you were going for. Good job, for pulling that response out of me.

I know I read the latest revised version, but gratuitous isn't a word that applies here. Everything you put in there served the story you were telling. Now, I suppose one can argue that the world itself is gratuitous, but honestly, so is our world, and it's not going to get any better. Yours is a dystopian as they come, and none of us would want to live there.

I don't know if you've seen the movie Gamer, but your story immediately brought it to mind. It explores similar themes. That movie is billed as a dumb action movie, but the actual themes are serious, and the world very much reminded me of yours. After all, your protagonist may be a clone, but that's just one step away from controlling "real" humans.

I saw some comments taking issue with October's orgasm. While traditionally, I'd certainly agree--a person who's been raped and was never actually present for the feeling, would probably have a hard time reaching that point. However, in this case, I think it works as long as you consider that her body has been trained/conditioned/created with "pleasure" in mind. It's probable that it does that every time. Just because her admin wasn't controlling her, doesn't mean her body was going to react differently. What's important is that this time, she's present for it. And it's a wonder, for that reason. I didn't equate the orgasm with happiness (though really, who is sad during one???), but as a glimpse of freedom. Sure, it's a little disturbing, since this last encounter still borders on rape, but that again serves the story.

The most disturbing element for me was Lennon, who has to do something horrible (rape October) in order to save her. It really serves to underline the brutality of your world, and that (sadly) sometimes horrible things are done to right wrongs. It brings up some good debate as to whether October really means anything to them, or they're just using her for the cause.

This is the best compliment I can give your story: I feel like I need to take a shower after reading your story. For me, it was extremely effective. I'm sure there's room for improvement, based on some of the comments above, but for this reader, the story fired on all cylinders. Very well done.

SamaLamaWama's picture
SamaLamaWama from Dallas is reading Something Wicked This Way Comes March 28, 2013 - 1:53pm

Hello to a Fellow Texan! Thanks so much for the review. I'm so glad you liked it. I've actually edited the story based on some of the feedback above and created an outline to take it to novel form.

I've got to tell you, I'm very surprised I've gotten so many comments of reviewers thinking what goes on in this sick little world is rape. In my mind, it's not rape at all. October is not human. She's a tool. She was created to live out her Admins whims. She's never said no, because she doesn't think she has that option. All the other BIs love their overly sexualized and violent lives. She's different. She has morals. She believes the BIs should be free. It took meeting Lennon to bring that out in her. This scene is actually the Ordinary World branching over to The Call to Adventure. After she gives Lennon the address, October plays an important role in starting the revolution. The human's don't plan on giving up the BIs anytime soon, to them the BIs are their right. In the end, October has the most power. It's not a story of a woman losing control or being used, it's the story of a woman taking control and having hot sex along the way.

I'm wondering if I should show that in the story or if considering this will work out to three chapters max, if I should leave this dark and move forward? There are no more scenes like this where she tunes out. The later sex scenes are all mutual and she's in complete control.  

I'm so glad you had to take a shower--I'll take that as a compliment. I'm going to check out that movie. I'm kinda a sucker for Sci-Fi action flicks--I'm ashamed to admit that I STILL have the hots for (young) Arnold in all those flicks from the 1980s. The Running Man--The Predator--Total Recall--The Terminator. God--those were the best films.

Thanks again for the review. ~Sam   

 

 

  

Ethan Cooper's picture
Ethan Cooper from Longview, TX is reading The Kill Room, Heart-Shaped Box, Dr. Sleep March 28, 2013 - 4:10pm

This story definitely delves into whether you have 100% rights over your creation--especially when that creation has the ability to think for itself and wants to choose a different course of action. I helped create my children, but I don't have full rights over them. Is she a created thing, no more human than a car engine, or is she something more? Is she a slave or a tool? To me, October is a living, breathing thing here. She's more than a machine (even if she's not "human"), more than just a clone. At least as you've written her: likable, personable, a victim.

If she's a slave, then the rape argument holds a lot of weight. She has morals, and she wants to be free of sex being forced on her. For this stance alone, isn't it abuse? For me, the worst is when the abused don't realize that they're being abused--when the abuse becomes the norm. To convince somebody that an abuse is natural is probably one of the ultimate rapes there is.

It is possible she's written as more human than you intended? Regardless, none of this has to be explictly defined in your story--we all take what we can from what we read. This is a great topic of discussion, and I'm happy your story brings it up.

Personally, I would never have interpreted it as anything other than rape. To me, she's a slave who doesn't know she has a choice. Perhaps in the beginning, she doesn't see the abuse, but looking back, I have a hard time seeing how she could think otherwise. You can't be free of something unless you were imprisoned by it before. I guess the argument could be made that it's no more freeing than a teenager leaving home, no longer under the rule of their parents, but it seems more weighty than that here.

I'm with you all the way on those movies, BTW. :)

SamaLamaWama's picture
SamaLamaWama from Dallas is reading Something Wicked This Way Comes March 29, 2013 - 6:25am

I totally get your point now. She's human with only minor modifications-- so much so that I see her as human in my mind. Even though she's not saying 'no', she's been convinced that this is the only thing she's good for, therefore she's not in power and that makes her a victim. I had discussions last night on this topic and I see this is another layer of immorality that I'm going to have to address in the story.

One of the greatest things about being a writer is when your imaginary world and the characters in them take on a life of their own.  

Thanks for talking me through this. I really appreciate the discussion. Please let me know if I can return the favor.~Sam

 

 

Joe P's picture
Joe P from Brainerd, MN is reading Pet Sematary March 30, 2013 - 11:27am

I could tell this story has grown legs. There's plenty of room for expansion into a wider world, but you kept it focused on one character and one arch. There's a consistence theme and mood to it too. Nailing down that single effect on your reader is what short stories are all about, for me anyways.

Sexy and violence can be a cool guilty pleasure when done right. Here there's consequences and effects of every act. I think that's how it should be. Nice job!

SamaLamaWama's picture
SamaLamaWama from Dallas is reading Something Wicked This Way Comes March 30, 2013 - 7:25pm

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my story. I'm so glad you liked it. It really has grown legs and arms and boobs too. :) 

I really liked the Ray Bradbury feel of your story. It's subtle and powerful. Great job on that. ~Sam