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Kirabug's picture

Ubi Cor Ibi Domu

By Kirabug in Teleport Us

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Description

Greyson has one purpose: protecting the cable, and Caroline, from all who would harm them. Sucess brings discoveries he wasn't expecting, both about the cable and about his own identity. Now he has to choose - and defend - who he wants to be. 

Comments

klahol's picture
klahol from Stockholm, Sweden is reading Black Moon February 14, 2013 - 7:36am

So well written. Had me captivated from the onset to the end. I love how you set up the story and got right into it while at the same time painting an interesting world. Essentially a story from a dogs perpective, but with subltle touches, you make it sci fi. Loved it. 

It did not strike me as very dystopic, instead quite serene and beautiful. You might want to make the word a bit darker. 

I kind of missed the Cables. They got lost in the image you painted, which I saw as a kind of dreamy rural abandoned America. The ideas of space elevators and protecting the cables is a great one. I could have used a clearer image of what an installation like that could look like. If it's the other end of an installation harbouring 3M people, it would need to be the size of a city. Maybe a good place to find that dystopia. 

Easily one of the best pieces I've read so far. Great job. 

Kirabug's picture
Kirabug from Southeastern PA is reading all the graphic novels in the house February 16, 2013 - 9:12am

Thanks! I struggled a bit with how much to reveal about the space elevators, since we're only allowed 4,000 words and the space elevators are really more of a maguffin. It feels like cheating to me to revise it again and repost, but maybe I will considering the other feedback I'm getting :) 

dufrescm's picture
dufrescm from Wisconsin is reading Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep February 14, 2013 - 8:11am

That was so very beautiful!  It made me cry a little at the end :)  Afterall, who hasn't wished their good old dogs could be a puppy and do it all over again?  Also, I love the twist!  I kind of figured he'd get a "new body" after he died, but I didn't expect that the dog body *was* his new body.  Kudos!

 

I can't do an LBL with a .pdf, but as for critique, here goes: I think there were a few random sentences that I tripped over, but nothing that can't be fixed easily. The opening felt a little stilted and it took me about a page, maybe a page and a half to really get into it.  The pace and smoothness really picked up when Caroline and Grey started into the field.  I'd focus on tweaking the first half of the story, just making sure everything is smooth and there aren't any confusions that don't get addressed later.  If you'd like an LBL, I'd be happy to do one - just msg me with a .doc or .docx file.

 

Good work!

 

--Christa

Kirabug's picture
Kirabug from Southeastern PA is reading all the graphic novels in the house February 16, 2013 - 9:15am

Thanks for the feedback, and the offer for an LBL! I've attached a word doc here so you and anyone else who's willing to do one can grab it. I've concentrated mostly on fixing the pace of the back half of the story, didn't think much about the front, so I'll work on that. Thanks again!

Adam Jenkins's picture
Adam Jenkins from Bracknell, England is reading RCX Magazine (Issue 1 coming soon) February 14, 2013 - 10:05am

Very good.  I particularly liked the slow build and the gradual realisation that the lead character was a terrier.  As a story it’s well thought out, and you do a great job of setting the scene while sticking within the limitations of your character.  I got a little confused in the scene with Eleanor, it’s quite heavy with exposition, but the confusion actually works because it’s all first person (or first terrier).  It clears up after a second read-through.  The “complication” with him knowing what Eleanor does smacks a little of convenience, but that’s a minor quibble.  The ending was a little convenient too, with him going back as a puppy, but it is also poignant and satisfying.  Very enjoyable.

Kirabug's picture
Kirabug from Southeastern PA is reading all the graphic novels in the house February 16, 2013 - 9:17am

I'm not particularly happy with the backfeed either, but need to noodle a bit on how to improve. It doesn't seem like the kind of information that Eleanor would give out freely, but forcing her to give it up does smack of a bit of convenience. The poignancy of the ending was my goal, so I'm not changing that even if it is convenient ;) 

Thanks very much for the feedback!

adrenokrome's picture
adrenokrome from United Kingdom is reading Altered Carbon February 15, 2013 - 7:58am

Every once in a while along comes a very sweet tale that puts a smile on one's face as this did for me, I'm really glad you went with the happy ending, too many stories end on a downer for the sake of it (and this is coming from someone that loves Hong Kong cinema) and I think it could have turned your tale into another all dogs go to heaven story with sci fi elements, but you avoided that, only one minor quibble, the part where you mention the future (what its like and what humans have accomplished etc) felt like a really quick reveal and doesnt do your story justice, however, it didnt detract from my enjoyment. Very good indeed.

I have one question, the title of your tale, did you mean for it to mean "Home is where the heart is"? If that's the case, I believe its "ubi cor ibi domus" - where the heart (is), there (is) home.

Kirabug's picture
Kirabug from Southeastern PA is reading all the graphic novels in the house February 16, 2013 - 9:18am

Having not taken Latin, I blame Google for that one ;) But I'll update it when I get a chance -- thanks for the better translation, and for the feedback!

JC Piech's picture
JC Piech from England is reading One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest February 17, 2013 - 8:01am

Oooooo. Ooooo I loved this so much! :) I think this is my favourite story here so far.

My only criticism is that I felt the beginning was a bit slow. The description in the first few paragraphs got a bit too repetitive, so I think you could edit that down and make it tighter. 

Other than that I thought it was wondeful. I was moved by it, and I love a story that can do that :)

 

Kirabug's picture
Kirabug from Southeastern PA is reading all the graphic novels in the house February 27, 2013 - 8:23pm

Thanks for the feedback! I'm seeing a theme on the beginning being too slow.  Will definitely work on that! I'm glad you enjoyed it :) 

Emma C's picture
Class Facilitator
Emma C from Los Angeles is reading The Warehouse by Rob Hart February 19, 2013 - 12:05am

Hi, Anne!

Your story has so much heart, and the premise is unique and well thought out. I love how you play with the dog's senses and perspectives, and in doing so you quickly create an endearing character. You know I'm a lover of animals, too, and this definitely hit the right buttons for me.

I'll e-mail you a proper LBL, but wanted to mention that the exposition via Eleanor felt a tad dumpy. I wonder if you could provide some of this a bit more organically, or pare it down a tad so it doesn't feel quite so "this is you". Tied into this is the issue of how the dogs communicate: I assume it's telepathic, via chip? The notion of chips is mentioned by Grey earlier on, and I wonder if some of the exposition could be covered here with a tad more on chips. And if the dogs communicate via chip, it wouldn't be much of a surprise when E communicates the same way.

Finally, as a coonhound fancier I have to point out that only coons and bloods technically "bay". Common misconception. Ahem. ;)

It's late, and I hope this makes sense. LBL forthcoming, and excellent work, here!

Cheers,

Emma

Kirabug's picture
Kirabug from Southeastern PA is reading all the graphic novels in the house February 27, 2013 - 8:55pm

The dogs communicate because they all speak Dog. That is to say, they read each others' body language and smells and verbalizations. I figure dogs that have human-level intelligence would enhance dogs' existing language to me their needs. Of course, I don't say that in the story... ;) So no, having a second voice in Grey's head would be as much a shock to him as it would be to one of us. 

I need to work on the dumpiness of the Eleanor scene, certainly. I'm still noodling on what the right bits to show are. The first few drafts were much shorter exposition but then didn't make sense to the readers. 

If only hounds bay, I have no idea what to call that hunting howl my two use when they're going after a deer, but wow, it's something. ;)

Looking forward to your LBL, and thank you for the feedback! :)

klahol's picture
klahol from Stockholm, Sweden is reading Black Moon February 19, 2013 - 12:29am

I loved your story, it's easily on my current top five. But then, I love telepatic dogs. Like Dug in Up:

Alpha: Now, you must wear the cone of shame.
Dug: [hangs head] I do not like the cone of shame.

Klas

 

lspieller's picture
lspieller from Los Angeles February 22, 2013 - 9:59am

I stayed under the porch because I love you!

Emma C's picture
Class Facilitator
Emma C from Los Angeles is reading The Warehouse by Rob Hart February 27, 2013 - 9:38pm

"I was hiding under your porch because I love you" is the best line from any film EVAR.

lspieller's picture
lspieller from Los Angeles February 27, 2013 - 10:00pm

it so perfectly captures the essence of DOG.

lspieller's picture
lspieller from Los Angeles February 22, 2013 - 10:21am

Anne! I enjoyed this story! You really captured the sweetness of dogs :)

I've attached a doc with a few notes, but mostly I think I just want MORE. Damn you 4k word limit!

Kirabug's picture
Kirabug from Southeastern PA is reading all the graphic novels in the house February 27, 2013 - 9:08pm

Thank you! I'll read this as soon as I can get it moved over to my Mac. I'm glad you enjoyed the story!

ArlaneEnalra's picture
ArlaneEnalra from Texas is reading Right now I'm editing . . .. February 23, 2013 - 3:33pm

Very smooth read! It was interesting reading a story from the perspective of a dog. It was at once very familiar and very alien as you don't expect dogs to be quite that intelligent. You had me wondering what was going on right up to the point of Old Grey's "death." I can't help but wonder how much of his personality belonged to his "human" part and how much belonged to the animal. (That's what I get for re-watching DS9. In particular, the episode where Dax goes through an extradition hearing for a crime that the previous host was supposed to have committed.)

Excellent work!

Kirabug's picture
Kirabug from Southeastern PA is reading all the graphic novels in the house February 27, 2013 - 9:13pm

Thank you very much for the feedback! I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'm also glad you were thinking about Grey's intelligence - I do to, and I don't know how much of it is human either. I'm hoping he'll tell me in a later story. Thanks again!

Mess_Jess's picture
Mess_Jess from Sydney, Australia, living in Toronto, Canada is reading Perfect by Rachael Joyce March 3, 2013 - 12:59pm

Hi Anne, I won't do an LBL as  I think I'd just rehash the good work the others have already done.

The things I loved:

* Your usual beautiful prose: clear sentence structure, vivid imagery, and craftully using the perfect amount of words -- it never feels like there are any words that can be scrapped or replaced.

* That the non-human character was the main character, very different from other stories.

* One of my favorite parts - "I thunked my tail in assent, ignoring the pain that the knocks against the cold porch were causing in my tail bones." It always strikes me as funny how it sounds so painful to us, but animals (though I feel wrong calling the Tutis animals, given their inception) seem so unbothered by this!

I found this heart breaking, as any animal lover would. Particularly the discussion about Greyson being near the end of his days and the decision they would have to make.

This was really entertaining and quite satisfying for a short story. If there's anything you could improve on, it's the explanation of the Cable (which I'm still a bit confused about), the existence of the Tutis and the world building around the utopian (or dystopian for the tutis?) setting, just a bit more exposition could help.

If you have any time to read my story, I managed to get it uploaded just in the nick of time!

Jess

Grant Williams's picture
Grant Williams from Wichita, KS is reading Friday March 14, 2013 - 6:00am

I really enjoyed this story.  I'm honestly not much of a dog person, but I love the idea of dogs if that makes sense.  I feel you captured the loyalty and companionship that dogs represent.  One of my favorite aspects of the story is that it focuses on the senses that are improtant to a dog.  So many stories about humans focus mainly on the visual, but I appreciate how that isn't as important if smell and hearing are the senses that provide the most input. 

Really well done.