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Blake Ervin's picture

Tomcat

By Blake Ervin in Teleport Us

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Description

Tomcat survives in the city after a catastrophe leaves him isolated.

Comments

fleece's picture
fleece February 17, 2013 - 3:49am

Nice and interesting story, I enjoyed the post-apocalyptic setting and the ambiguity of the main character. I'd like to read more of this world.

fun's picture
fun from Washington is reading The Curiosities February 17, 2013 - 4:25am

Right on, man. You built a whole world in 1500 words, and that's not an easy thing to do. Concise, clean, and interesting. I dig it.

Blake Ervin's picture
Blake Ervin from United States is reading American Gods February 17, 2013 - 4:33am

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

John Whitesell's picture
John Whitesell February 17, 2013 - 6:12am

Very atmospheric. Sad but in a good way. More stories should have cats as the main character!

Blake Ervin's picture
Blake Ervin from United States is reading American Gods February 17, 2013 - 7:35pm

Thank you! Seeing as how we had to feature one 'non-human' I decided to see if I could use a unique non-human as the focal character. I figured that most people would want to go the android/robot or alien route, but there's a whole mess of interesting non-humans that already exist on earth.

Jon Stewart's picture
Jon Stewart February 17, 2013 - 10:52am

This has a lot of really good elements to it. The descriptions are wonderful and the perspective fits to the core of the character telling the story. I'd actually like to see this as a novel, but as a short story I got a picture of the whole world and what happened to it without knowing what happened to it. Good job. Keep up the good work.

 

Blake Ervin's picture
Blake Ervin from United States is reading American Gods February 17, 2013 - 1:48pm

Haha, thank you! It'd be tough to turn into a novel, as that's not really my forte. I suppose I'd focus more on what happens with Tomcat before and after all of these events if I was going to go in that direction. 

GG_Silverman's picture
GG_Silverman from Seattle February 18, 2013 - 1:29pm

What a fun story. The end gave me a good chuckle. And you have a strong voice, immediately accessible, and your writing was so clean I became immersed from the start. 

Very well done!

Blake Ervin's picture
Blake Ervin from United States is reading American Gods February 18, 2013 - 8:02pm

Thank you! I'm really glad that you enjoyed it!

Juice Ica's picture
Juice Ica from Rhode Island is reading The Twelve by Justin Cronin & Beautiful Creatures February 19, 2013 - 2:48pm

I loved the POV of the cat and that last line was great! The world was beautifully described and well realized, I could totally picture it in my mind as I read. I would love to read and learn more about this world that you've created so well! Nice job!

Blake Ervin's picture
Blake Ervin from United States is reading American Gods February 20, 2013 - 5:25pm

Thank you! I'm just happy that you enjoyed it! I was thinking about trying to expand it more earlier today on my way back from work. 

ArlaneEnalra's picture
ArlaneEnalra from Texas is reading Right now I'm editing . . .. February 24, 2013 - 12:20am

Interesting idea: a post human world form the eyes of a cat.  Another short but sweet story ;)  A few suggestions:

  • I think you used the name Tomcat way too often.  It felt like I was reading a sentence starting with Tomcat every few lines.  I know the reality wasn't quite that bad, but it felt that way while I was reading.  You could probably get buy with using the name less often since he is the only present character for most of the story.  If not, I would suggest reducing the number of times you start a sentence with Tomcat.  That would help break up the repitition as well.
  • What was the bit in the middle about treatments for the cat?  This seems to come out of nowhere and doesn't really add anything to the story.
  • A cat is almost always going to be proud of catching a rat. ;3

Overall, a nice read.

Good Work and Keep At It!

Blake Ervin's picture
Blake Ervin from United States is reading American Gods February 25, 2013 - 12:12am

Thank you for your critique! You're right, the treatment dream needs some work, and I can cut back on the amount of times 'Tomcat' is used. I just didn't want to say 'the cat' here or there or use 'he' too much. The 'treatment' gave Tomcat his increased intelligence, but that wasn't fully fleshed out in the story.

Adam Jenkins's picture
Adam Jenkins from Bracknell, England is reading RCX Magazine (Issue 1 coming soon) March 7, 2013 - 5:06am

This is a really nice little story, and it's impressive how much you squeezed in to just 1500 words or so.  The character makes sense, and is a fun one to focus on, and the little hints you throw around are tantalising.  The middle section is a little confused.  I got that the treatment made him smarter, but the transitions were a little jolting, and I'm not sure you need to give Tomcat extra intelligence.  Good job overall though.