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Robert Gislason's picture


By Robert Gislason in Teleport Us

How It Rates

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Once you have read this story, please make sure you rate it by clicking the thumbs above. Then take a few minutes to give the author a helpful critique! We're all here for fun but let's try to help each other too.


Physician, stuck with a dying man, fights for her life when she looses all communication to Mars base.


Tim Needles's picture
Tim Needles from Port Jefferson, New York is reading Stories edited by Neil Gaiman February 24, 2013 - 5:35pm

A really fast and fun read, I love the sense of suspense!

Juice Ica's picture
Juice Ica from Rhode Island is reading The Twelve by Justin Cronin & Beautiful Creatures February 25, 2013 - 12:52pm

I didnt love or hate this story so I dont feel good about giving it either a thumbs up or down.  (Spoiler Alert!) There were some issues with it that keep it from being really good. I loooove the concept of this, and as I have said a few times on other reviews of peoples stories, I am a sucker for an unhappy ending so I dug it and I really liked the last line. But you call this story "Thirst" and I do not see much evidence of that until near the endit would be awesome to incorporate that more into the story as victims are taken down, I have this vision of them screaming for water, clawing at their throats, all very horror movie-esque. 

Im not sure I get a good picture of the alien in this, all I see is a triangle with claws? Not super scary, so the "villan" of the piece might benefit from a bit more fleshing out if you can manage it.

Finally, This would benefit from another editing pass, there are weird word choices or incorrect grammer, stuff thats easily fixed with a good edit.

Overall, decent story, and I dont like being negative so I hope you take my words for the helpful suggestions they are meant to be.

Robert Gislason's picture
Robert Gislason from Iceland is reading Ender's game February 25, 2013 - 3:24pm

Thanks Juice Ica. I welcome every comment and hope that I get more of them. That is why I joined. The strange word choices are maybe due to that english is not my native language. I am from Iceland. This is my debut in writing in english.

Thanks again for your time and comment.

Best regards,


Johann Thorsson's picture
Johann Thorsson from Reykjavik, Iceland is reading Echo Lake February 25, 2013 - 11:48pm

Hey Robert,

As a story this is fine. However, they way it is written needs a lot of work. Your descriptions are matter-of-fact and need work, need more writerly emphasis, if you know what I mean. If you were describing a book, you would not state that it was "about 20 centimeters long and had 300 pages" because that tells us nothing of the book, gives it no character. Describing a book as being "oddly square, with tattered pages that smelled of lemons" that gives the book more character. In essence, you need to show instead of tell.

Your English is good enough, but you may need to read more to get a better feel for the language (as you may guess from my name, I am also Icelandic). Your sentences are short, and there are many places where joining two together would make them more cohesive and give the story a better flow.

Like I said, the story idea itself is good, and you have great ideas for building tension and keeping the reader, but you lose him with the way you write. Practice; read more and keep writing.

scifiwriterguy's picture
scifiwriterguy from Chicago, IL is reading Iscariot by Tosca Lee February 26, 2013 - 5:37pm


It almost feels unfair criticising your piece--I'm in awe of anyone who learns a second language well enough to write a story in that language (which is why I feel Nabakov rates among the very best to ever place pen to paper).

That said, the story concept is good but the writing not so much. As Johann highlighted, many of the descriptions are very basic and lacking artistic touch. I actually like that you use sparse language, but you have to mix in some descriptive detail here and there or the reader will grow bored. If you want to see that done well, pick up a copy of The Kite Runner. Sparse language, concrete descriptions, and a riviting read.

Additionally, you might find this article on how to avoid "to be" verbs (passive voice) useful.



Hildur Enola's picture
Hildur Enola from Iceland is reading The Anansi Boys February 26, 2013 - 7:51pm

Hi Robert
I read your story, it kept my attention and aroused some curiosity. Personally I think it could use a different name, because "Thirst" immediately made me think of vampires not space. And around the middle of the story I stopped to think for a moment and thought, why Thirst?

Also in the beginning, Kate and her coworker are located at the outpost and a large scene takes place at the outpost but there is very little description of their facilities there. The description "juice" is used in describing how they will get home, which turns out is not so relevant to this short story. So it would have been good to get some little hints about their outpost. Could she have stayed there and lived through the storm? Or was that impossible.

Thank you for sharing. Good luck with your writing.

klahol's picture
klahol from Stockholm, Sweden is reading Black Moon March 8, 2013 - 8:31am

Liked the hard-core scifi in this one! Hissing spacesuits and blinking airlocks, lovely. A bit confusing when we change to the pov of the heroine. Man, she felt a lot like Ripley. 

As to the monster.... Can't really picture it or why it's so insanely scary. Needed a bit of clarifying. It's a little insect with tentacles that killed the planet? 

Love the last line, although in a way I think cliffhangers is close to cheating. 


Thumb up for you anyhoo. 



Robert Gislason's picture
Robert Gislason from Iceland is reading Ender's game March 8, 2013 - 11:00am

Thanks for reading. I was going for subtle and a reality feeling. I hope that worked out. :)

ArlaneEnalra's picture
ArlaneEnalra from Texas is reading Right now I'm editing . . .. March 9, 2013 - 8:00pm

While this story needs a lot of editing work, I must say that you have a talent for story telling.  The story starts out with a staccato feel and I stumbled a bit reading through it for the first several pages.  After that initial awkwardness, I was able to get into the flow of the story pretty well.  I could feel the tension and fear that Kate was experiencing as well as her frustration at not being able to warn the others.

For a debut story in English, wow!  I am dead certain with a little more exposure to the language, both reading and writing, you'll be up there with the best of them.  I'd suggest reading as much English language stuff as you can find! ;) Definitely keep at it!


Adam Jenkins's picture
Adam Jenkins from Bracknell, England is reading RCX Magazine (Issue 1 coming soon) March 10, 2013 - 7:34am

This is a good attempt at sci-fi / horror.  As others have said, it needs a little more editing as it stumbles every so often (example - "watched Todd use a brush to brush off the dust" repetition of brush), but it is very impressive as a debut in a foreign language.  I struggle enough writing in my native tongue.  The main concept is good, there's a good blend of influences going in here.  The remote location and people being picked off made me think of The Thing (crossed with the Dr Who episode Waters of Mars), though like others I'd have liked to have seen a bit more from your creature.  Having said that I do like the idea of something so innocuous being the cause.  While I could spot the twist coming, it was well done.  There is a real sense of relief when Kate gets to the base, but that turn to the horror of her realisation is very good.  It's a bleak ending, and all the better for it, with a good payoff of a last line.