The Roseworld

Hidur,

I enjoyed reading your story. However, it doesn't really feel like a great fit for the parameters of the contest. (Not really utopian / dystopian; no non-human character).

Structurally, I think the the story's main weakness is an over reliance on telling versus showing. The many paragraphs of explication about Roseworld drain away the narative tension. You might want to try obscuring exactly what Hannah is trying to accomplish until the midway point of the story. Hint at it, but keep the reader in doubt!

Second, I think that we need to see Hannah as a more complete character. We really don't know much about her except that she wants to go to Roseworld. I don't have much of a sense for who she is outside of that. Similarly, John is also very underdeveloped. I think you missed some opportunity for more dramatic tension between the two characters.

Last, you rely on many conjunctions such as "There are" and "There were." This drain a lot of the drive from the piece ("to be" verbs tend to do that). I would go through and rework those sentences. Here's an article describing the problems with "to be" verbs and how to get rid of them.

I did comment on and suggest a few changes to the story. Check the attached word doc.

Kindly,
Nathan

I'm going to be less generous than scifiwriterguy. I felt the story lacked any of the criteria of this challenge - it's not even science fiction, but pure fantasy with a few technobabble terms thrown in to try to deceive us. I found the narrative slow and rather incoherent. The characters don't seem to have consistent motivation.

We are told up front that Hannah is "excited" and capable of "love and tenderness" but she behaves like a completely heartless bitch, hell bent on achieving... well, that's not entirely clear either.

The story also relies on the reader's unquestioning acceptance of some of the wackiest bits of so-called "new age" spirituality. That's OK in context, I suppose, but this isn't that context.

Sorry, I'm getting less-than-helpful. Suffice to say it didn't work for me.

I up-voted this even though it didn't quite meet with the challenge.  What was the technology?  There were a few mentions of some recycling stuff but it was so cursory that it didn't impact the story much at all.  Other than that, it was smooth read overall.

Roseworld sounds very soothing and I can easily understand how Hannah might see it as a place to permanently retire.  On the other hand, I can also see it as a hellish place where everything is uniform and unchanging.  A place where there truly is a too much of a good thing.

From that perspective, I can understand the reaction of John's tiny piece of soul.  It's forever trapped in that world with no way out.  The question really comes down to John's desire for revenge or escape and him pushing Hannah out instead off trapping her seems a little off to me.

Still, a very enjoyable read.