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The Patient
How It Rates
Description
Once infected by the parasitic bugs a pain filled death is a certainty. They say there is no cure. A quarter of humanity has already succumbed. There are whispers however, of secret surgeries where doctors are willing to perform experimental procedures. It is a risky proposition but in a world gone mad the desperate have little choice.
(Word count - 2740)
Comments
Hi, I enjoyed reading your story.It kept my interest the whole time, but I felt like I was unsure of how to feel about certain points such as the significance of Spiky Bob. Was the narrator crazed, or was he really haunted by some kind of otherworldly possibly satanic (just speculating, because of the man-goat appearance) entity? I guess we're not supposed to know for sure since even the narrator seems resigned and confounded by his 'familiar.' I'm also curious about the relation between the one race group and the CEOs which seem to be the ruling class. Good story though, just wish the ending had let us in on more of what was to come. Great job!
First of all, thank you for just taking the time to read and comment on the story, I really do appreciate it. I wanted to the character of Spiky Bob to be mysterious and ambiguous, as you say even the narrator is resigned to the idea that he will never know. I agree that perhaps I should have made the relationships of the various groups, CEOs, DRP a bit clearer. I was aiming to get across the idea that the world is confusing and that most people, narrator included are simply ignorant bordering on the apathetic. I’m not too sure how successful I was however. Thanks again for the feedback
I enjoyed this story a lot, Jamie. Stylistically, my only critique is the slight overuse of the word 'however' (five times on the first two pages, I believe). From the technical point of view, your piece needs a round of proofreading/line-editing to fix up a few grammar issues and misused words (particularly homonyms like 'weight' vs 'wait'). Actually, I'd be happy to line-edit this for you, if you're interested. I've become quite attached to this piece.
Aside from the above, I very much like it. I like the unreliable narrator, the ambiguity of Spikey Bob, and the way that the story offers a glimpse into this world without resolving anything global. A depressing snapshot, definitely, but a worthwhile one, where the overarching story (the epidemic) moves on by the end of this piece, but there's still so much left undiscovered. I think that both the italicised exposition at the beginning and the end, as well as the ongoing worldbuilding throughout the POV-character worked out well.
Thanks for posting it, great work! And get back to me on the line-edit offer if you're interested.
P.S. I'd also appreciate it if you dropped by my story if you have a moment - A Song For My Brother.
There is a lot to like about this. I particularly enjoyed the clearly Scottish Spikey Bob. It's well written, engaging, and the created world is a good one. I got the idea that this might be part of a bigger story perhaps. I really don't think the first paragraph of background is needed, it does little for the story and starting with "I am a dead man" is far stronger. Likewise the last paragraph does little - I like that the plague is nano-bot related, but that revelation is not related to the main story. Speaking of the main story, I think it needs a more defined arc. If this is a story about his struggle to reach the surgeon, then make the journey more difficult. The march and carnage is well written, but the third act is a little lacking. Personally I think the choice to concentrate on the more personal story is the correct one, I'd just like to see a bit more in the way of development.
Ok first point, nuke the italic text at the beginning. If you need to tell us all that stuff, thread it into the rest of the story as needed. "Once upon a time ..." doesn't work for me as an opening. "I am a dead man. ..." Now that's an opening!
Also, I'd rework that ending a bit. There isn't much reason for it to be in all italics. It would would make just as much sense to shift perspective after the main narrator head's home and pick up with the scientists.
Other than that and a bit of general proof reading, you've setup an very intriguing world here and given us only a small glimpse of what there is to see. I do hope you do more with it in the future ;) Good Work and Keep at it!