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JC Piech from England is reading One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest February 12, 2013 - 2:52pm

Hey there,

I love the world you've imagined here. It's very rich and detailed. I have to admit though, I was speeding through the beginning to get to some dialogue or action. I felt there was too much information and history at the start of the story. I also felt that a lot of the dialogue was used to reveal the history too, which I personally didn't enjoy.

There's some really clever details here. I just think it needs some editing, and that the reader doesn't need to know quite SO much back story. Also there were a few points which didn't make sense to me, such as why would money still be a sign of power if there isn't anything to spend it on? That would surely make it worthless? And why would the army have guns if they couldn't use them? Surely everyone would know that, and so that would make them too blatantly useless.

Overall, I like the ideas and I'd love to read an edited version if you post one :)

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JC Piech from England is reading One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest February 12, 2013 - 3:12pm

Sorry, one more thing: as a general rule, ellipsis points (...) really only work in dialogue. They appeared quite a few times throughout the story, and it would come across as a much stronger narrative if you cut some.

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William Bryan Estes from Brady, Texas is reading Savage Sword of Conan February 13, 2013 - 7:03am

Interesting story. I'm sure if you were able to make it longer it would have been more interesting.

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ArlaneEnalra from Texas is reading Right now I'm editing . . .. February 16, 2013 - 12:23am

SPOILERS

I'm not sure what to think of this story. The writing is very good; I couldn't find much in the way of grammatical errors or other things that tripped me up as a reader and you nailed all the required elements for the challenge. Good job on all of that!

Unfortunately, there's something about the story that I don't like.

Part of it is Karin and the other part is the way Mav "handles" Zeb. There's something missing in Karin's character. It's almost as though her mind is as weak and desiccated as her body is described as being. Her complete turn around when she realizes what's going on at the end seems contrived more than anything. I don't see anything on her side that would be reciprocal to the attraction that he seems to have for her.

That's the other thing that's bugging me. The way Mav handles Zeb is definitely contrived. Zeb shows up just in time for Mav to say a few phrases and send him into stasis!? This needs a little more thought. Maybe Mav has a specially constructed device that can immobilize Zeb or make the conversation a little more dramatic. Heck, Mav could probably have just grabbed a gun from one of the "enforcers" and used it on Zeb. As things are, Mav breaths on him and the guy falls over. This really bugs me.

In the end, this is another that I don't think I'm going to up or down vote. The writing is good but I don't really like the story as it sits. I think there's definitely something to work with though.

Keep at it!

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Adam Jenkins from Bracknell, England is reading RCX Magazine (Issue 1 coming soon) March 5, 2013 - 1:50am

This is very dense, with some very strong ideas. It's well written, and you clearly had a lot of ideas about your world that you wanted to put into the story. It's well developed, but perhaps we get just a little too much background. It's lacking a little drama, and I agree with the other comments that some of this feels a little contrived. I'd suggest that first page of exposition is condensed or drip-fed through the rest of it. Concentrate more on the confrontation, because it seems a little cut short, as if the word count was becoming a concern. A little remodelling and this could be a good story.

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