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Comments
Maybe I'm missing something, but your ending isn't an ending. It seemed more like excepts from a novel. There are good ideas here - the clickers and their origins, giving them human failings like addiction, poverty, etc. - but to me, your story needs a more definitive ending, or at least a better indicator that Mason is doomed to repeat the past and/or is stuck in a loop...so that's why I'm giving you a thumbs down, though it's borderline, but I just needed more.
This reads more like a hastily written outline for a novel than a proper short story. You move too quickly from scene to scene and I kept having to double back to realize where Mason was. (For a scene break, add a line, then a '*' and another line. That way the reader knows that the next part takes place somewhere else) And like Naomi (above) said, the ending is not really an ending; it is more like you ran out of space, or time to write any more.
There is good in here though, some really good ideas and characters that are complete but could still use a little more refining.
The main thing that's missing for me is descriptions of setting. Where does the story take place? What is the weather like. the quality of the air, the season?
Read more short sci-fi, the good stuff like Phillip K Dick and Joe Haldeman, see what they do in terms of setting and pacing. Then give this another go.
Seems like a great idea for a novel. The pacing seemed a little off.
I'm not sure I read the same draft as everyone else. If I did, I really can't tell what everyone was commenting about. This is one of the smoother reads I've seen so far. I really liked the concept and the way you setup your world!
There is something wrong around page six. It looks like you should have had a scene break there, instead you just have the two paragraphs right on top of each other. Without visual separation between the two that transition is very disconcerting.
SPOILERS
The ending is a bit of a gamble. The way you have it, we don't really know which choice Mason made in the end. I had to think about that ending for a bit before deciding that it works. Much more or less and you'd ruin it!
Great Work!
And I agree, you have a good starting point for a novel here.
Like others have said, a lot of potential for a longer story, a novel or novella, but a bit crammed for a short story. It was tricky for me too switch from telling a long tale to focusing on that "single effect." http://www.asimovs.com/_issue_0807_8/ref08.shtml
This feels very black and white. Just not enough color. Yes, it's a smooth read, but as of yet not a terribly exciting one. You've got the grammar down, the syntax, the movement from point A to point B. But what's missing is any drama, flair. Where's the local color? What does the main character look like? Why would he do the things he does? Start showing the reader what's happening, instead of rattling off plot points.
Are the streets littered with robotic parts and other kinds of detritus? Does Ahmed have a shaggy, unkempt beard? Does the narrator have a telling hitch in his robotic stride? Does he carry a briefcase with some of his chemist notes? Does the junkie dealer chain smoke and crave Red Delicious Apples?
I'm just rambling here, and I'm sure my suggestions are a bit silly, but you get the drift. Give us details, make your characters and setting unique. Only then will it come alive.
GOOD LUCK. You've got a great idea for a story here!
One Tunguska Story
Some good ideas here, and I like the dystopic world you've created. You have a very natural, smooth way of writing, but it could do with more texture in places. If had more of an ending I'd have liked it a lot more. I just felt there was another paragraph or so. Open-ended finishes are fine, but this appears cut off mid-flow.
Nothing wrong with your writing, in fact, you have a well balanced story. However, you cram way to much story into this space. This feels like a full novel told in the space of a short story.
And what is taking the consequence is the heart of the story. As you rush through the narrative, you tell it factually, kind of deviod of feeling.
If I were you, I'd rewrite just a part of this story as a short story and maybe let the characters have more personality.
An entertaing read. I like your story, and you did a good job of giving us little hints of the world through dialogue. I really appreciated the concept of a clicker having to oppress his own kind in order to get them to rise up--it's exactly the reasoning that a James Bond villain would use. There's always a good reason for doing something bad if your goals are "altruistic" enough!
A good round of editing will do this story some good. One example of something to watch for is misplaced descriptive phrases. Like in the following, does his orange hair really have a trench coat?
Your plot works all the way until the end, where things just STOP. Things don't work well as written this way. I think all you really need to do is have the main character either accept the proposal or reject it, and then you're pretty good to go.
Your story was very easy to read, and you packed quite a bit in within the limits. Well done, my friend.