Paradisi: Or How Arsonists Learn To Blow Things Up With Their Minds

There are a lot of intriguing things going on in here.  I think the basic premise (as far as I understand it) is original and I like the mix of characters. You have some very good imagery and detail.  I like the repetition of the smoking strong minty cigarettes by the river, for example.  I liked the hints about purification and burning.  

You have a rather poetic style: rich in detail, filled with descriptions, and a kind of dreamy tone.  That is great, but when you add that to a piece that has significant problems with mechanics it causes a lot more confusion.  It is difficult to read.  In particular there are a lot of comma splices and some odd syntax choices. Sentence fragments are easier to deal with, but too many are going to increase the confusion.  

I know you said this is just an introduction but this event is really more about having a cohesive stand alone story.  This feels like an establishing chapter. It also doesn't seem to quite fit the Dystopian theme, not clearly anyway.  That is why I gave this a thumbs down.  

I hope you keep at it.  Keep drafting and editing.  

Some of the writing here is really good:

,haze lingers like the hand of something evil. 

That line was great.

Transitioning from the body fluids being exchang,ed spit and the sweat to this line

It hasn't rained in months.

and putting it out there by itself was really powerful and well crafted I liked that alot.

I also like the line about how the waves lapping like her tounge in his ear. Really nice.

Now to the critical part: Don't kill me!

Unfortunately I had a little trouble with it. The narration seems odd, it’s told like a first person narrative or perhaps in the third person of someone who will later be a character, but it feels like you are going for a third person omniscient character which works great for this type of story. I’d suggest using a more technical narrative without random interjections and speculations. It feels like your narator’s main job should be to tell the story. With only having the first installment it’s really hard to know for sure so bear that in mind and ignore the suggestion if it does not apply. (I wish I had more of the story to more acurately rate this!)
 

The section with the girl on the bike should probably be separated with it’s own chapter. The way it reads now, it comes out of nowhere and then is abandoned quickly. Give it it’s own sections so you can alternate back and forth. Also, you never got back to the opening paragraph, I found that to be a good hook about the angels out there, and would like you to get back to that.
I like the character of Outo the best. I think he is fully realized.
Some things about the dialogue bothered me, and I realized what it was. I don’t know where these people are or their ethnicity, it could be that he is foreign with choppy English and not a great understanding of the language, or I could chalk outo’s speech up to being that of a mentally ill person.” That works for me.
Most of my suggestions in the lbl are things I’ve been learning here at litreactor to avoid by advice from some really great writers, so I point out to you what has been shown to me, not to undermine or discourage you but to point you in the right direction. If I chopped too much or killed the flow I appoligize but I think this could read a lot sharper and with more grit if you eliminate a lot of the “telling” with adverbs and paint a more vivid scenes to describe things. I’ve given several examples in the lbl. If you have any questions or want to yell at me, feel free to comment here or send me a personal message. I’d love to help the best I can.
Sincerely,
Jonathan
 

I had to give this one a thumbs up, as I thought it harsh for it to have had none. I fully agree that it doesn't really meet the submission criteria - for one, you openly admit it's not even a short story. Yet it is well written and engaging, and I like the tone you have here. Keep on writing.