Negotiating Salvation (3400 words)

Just for my sake of not mixing up or losing your story once I downloaded it (I also had to copy & paste it as it DLed as a read-only copy) I would hope you  put your name and the title at the top of further drafts.

I'm afraid that your concern is correct, things do need to explained a little better in the story. Clarity was an issue for me, hard to keep track of the characters and the scenes could have been established in more detail at the start of each one, the action more clearer, and the futuretech given more exposition. I don't want my comments in the LBL to come off as harsh at all, I just try to point out where exactly you start losing me in each scene. Maybe it just felt rushed, there's a lot more potential for the story with more description. I wish it were more clear cut like your synopsis, I didn't really get much of that at all from the story. Where was the government involvement? I never really caught on to the "theft" thing. The "theft of forgiveness" I couldn't really understand as a concept.

I think you did a pretty good job on the epilepsy research. The "god helmet" sounds a lot like the real science of electro-convulsive therapy. The process you describe sounds more like you'd electrocute a guy to death long before anything got to his brain. It might be worth doing some more research into the technology, as you got the pathology pretty realistic otherwise, and maybe even developing it even further to be more futuristic, as we pretty much use technology to induce sight-specific seizures already. The wand thing, I had no idea how to actually picture it in my mind, but I liked the technology. I wish it went more in depth to that too.

The thought-reading thing? That really needs to make much more sense. And I think for clarity's sake, whenever anything, a character, a setting, an concept, is introduced, it'd be best to at least explain enough to get the jist right then, that way I wouldn't be lost for a couple sentences until I figure it out. Easy fixes. Cool concept.

Good stuff, Courtney. I had a hard time understanding the end, though. At first, I thought Aamin had administered the treatment on himself and part of the side effects was his ability to read minds/thoughts. Then later, it became more aparent that he was God, or godlike. However, I'm about 70% sure this is the case. Also, I think there could be more of a build up to Aamin's realization about the The God Helmets failure. It seemed rather sudden for me. 

The writing was clean, concise, tight, and overall very good. It was a quick read. I sincerely enjoyed it. 

Matt

Quite an interesting read. I've attached a LBL document you can peruse.

I think you're onto something with this, but it does need some work to hammer out all the rough edges. There are a decent number of grammer issues to work out. Mostly sentences that end up not being as clear as they could be. I'd read the whole thing out loud and if it doesn't sound like how you might tell a story to a friend, then revise that sentence.

You've got a cool idea, and you've got interesting characters. I think the way you started out the story was pretty captivating--right in the middle of the action. I had no problem with the God Helmet (yeah, go ahead and describe it in more detail). I don't have to know how it works to trust you that it does.

Some notes:

I'm not sure the interlude with Apple and her lover serves your story as written. If Apple were the main character, then it would probably be critical, but since she's not, it can probably just be cut. I don't think there was any information in there necessary to understanding what's going on. That said, taken entirely on it's own, it was a GREAT scene.

The italics-for-thought reading was very confusing. I also thought it was a typo. I think you need to be very clear about who is saying what, and how it's communicated. Especially early on, the reader doesn't have enough information to deduce what the italics mean. I really couldn't tell if somebody was speaking, or if somebody was hearing. I'm sure there's a way to communciate what you want and be a little clearer.

The biggest source of my confusion was the ending. You gave me a lot of information, but not enough to really deduce what actually happened. Here's what I've pondered/concluded so far:

- Aamin was God/Creator (or a vessel for such). He called everybody "my son" and "my daughter"
- God used the God Helmet to remove fear from certain people
- God decided this was a bad thing
- God decides to cut Himself off from humanity

Let me know how wrong I am. I think my basic question is why would God go to all this trouble?

It's okay to make your reader have to think about your story to get it, but I feel like the evidence should be a little clearer.

I hope this helps you for your next draft of this story.

Courtney,

I agree about the muddled ending, but I'm not going to go so far as to say that is completely bad.  I read the comments above and so I know what you intended, but with some minor work you could make Aamin part of Apple's mind, or vice-versa.  This was my primary suspicion as I finished reading.  I agree the sex interlude with the foreigner may not add much but it is very good at introducing Apple, so I'm not going to say that should be cut.

For me, the most jarring aspect of your story is the occasional drop of a dialogue tag.  Also, you don't introduce your italics as the telepathic/mind speaking clearly.  I had to work for that, and it's crucial to the story. 

Overall, you write extremely well.  I found your spelling, grammar and punctuaion to be excellent and precise.  Perhaps you're a great proofreader, but either way the end product is good, right?  Keep that up.  You have a great way of narrating and working dialogue in to break it up into digestible chunks.  Please keep writing.  I believe you can sell what you write.  Thumbs up from me.

Tom

Courtney,
 

I actually loved this story and didn’t have a problem following any of it. And it reads like it’s a much shorter story than it is. I attribute that to all the great dialogue. The end can be stronger, but I’ll get to that in a minute.
 

The points that Ethan pointed out and the one you corrected him on was all evident for me. I didn’t read any of the other reviews until I read your story.
 

I think the Apple Sex scene was a good introduction to her character and works if you want to make her character more influential in the story, but as it stands now she seems only to be in the story as a way for you to communicate to your audience the thoughts and words of Aimen.

I feel like that is her only roll so anything aside from that is irrelevant to the story. However, I think you should develop her more and make her a huge part of the story. I want to know how she is affected by the revelation at the end, and what actions if any she does to change or keep things the same way. If it was intended to be implied, then it was lost on me. I feel like this story could be more powerful if it were about Apple or equally about her and “God” she can represent “Humanity/eve”(which I think you’ve done decent with that already but you have opportunity to expand), but maybe that’s just me.
 

Personally, I think the Italics were clever and didn’t trip me up at all, but they may just be because I’m familiar with your work and know that you wouldn’t have sloppy mistakes. When I saw the Italics I knew you were doing them for a reason and that reason would be revealed if I kept reading, and I think it was done quite well. But if the consensus is that it’s confusing then maybe a little explanation wouldn’t hurt. But not too much, because I hate being told by the writer, how to read it in the context of the text if you know what I mean.
 

While I got what you were going for in the end, and wasn’t confused by it, I wasn’t extremely thrilled with the summation. I was able to suspend my disbelief for the majority of the story because your authority was so strong through out, but in the end I feel like it’s being to expinationy and I really have trouble believing that Aiman is God. I guess that’s because of my preconceived notion of what “God” is or what he is supposed to be. Seems like he could do these experiments any way he wants so doing it in human form seems like the least plausible way. So I’m thinking that a considerable amount of defamiliarizing “God” might be necessary. For example, People say God is all knowing… That would imply he knows these experiments will fail. Right? In your story he is not all knowing so set that up. 

So maybe in your story, “God” can only tamper with his “Creations” in attempts to “fix” them in human form. A la, Jesus Christ or in this case Aimen. And while remaining some of his spiritual power, He for the most part is confined to the natural laws of humanity. I think that may be what you were intending, but I don’t have enough information to know for sure.

I also have a hard time believing he would be so distraught that he would not want to “exist” anymore. He’s trying his damnedest to instill good. He realizes he failed, I think the natural course would incline him to fix what he failed. Maybe he can recruit Apple, in some sense to help with that?” 
 

So I’ve rambled on enough. If you have any questions at all you know where to find me. The writing was tight as hell and damned good. Your themes were all great and for the most part executed with tight precision. I just think to get exactly what you are going for you or going to have to provide the reader with a bit of myth destroying so they can believe your “God” has limitations that the “god” they believe in does not. Hope that makes sense.

Great story,

--Jonathan--
 

Courtney –

This is a really great concept – it goes beyond using science to prove or disprove the existence of “god”, and goes straight into forcefully inducing faith, regardless of the factual basis for that faith.  It’s a very powerful message that I think has a lot of potential.

I wasn’t a fan of the time jump at the end, though.  It glossed over too many details that could help with the understanding of what’s going on.

Characters were a bit one-dimensional, so if this were a workshop submission, I’d give them 2 stars.  I think they have the beginnings of real personalities and motivations, but they aren’t quite there yet.  I’ve made notes in the LBL on areas where I think you could really delve into them to make these people more “real”, especially Apple. She ends up being an important character, and I find that I don’t believe her motivations or actions or abilities. I’d focus on all three of the main characters, but her most of all.

Dialogue tends to fall just this side of stiff and forced, so I’d give it 2 stars also. Some of the things they say don’t quite sound believable or “in voice”. There are a few areas where dialogue tags are missing, and those can go a long way toward showing us these people in three dimensions. They are marked in the LBL.

The name change from Dr Anansi to Aamin halfway through the story was jarring. If someone isn’t paying attention, they might miss that these are the same people. Maybe consider introducing him as Dr. Aamin Anansi in the beginning, so that you can establish his full identity early on and can continue to call him by either name. Or else just call him Dr Anansi throughout, because he tends to remain aloof, and calling him by his first name seems almost too familiar, considering his personality.

I really enjoyed the ideas presented here, and I think you’ve got quite a gem in the works. It just needs some editing love to really shine. Good work, and happy revisions!

--Christa

Hi Courtney, 

story needs work, but may turn out interesting. The conflict at its root is inspiring, try to focus principally on it before you add other devices. The narration as it is now lacks cohesion, and you can fix it after you choose what you prefer: techy approach, or spiritual one. Mind that if you go with the spiritual/moral, the story will be less sci-fi and more, say, gothic.

You are a good writer, a bit cold for my taste, though. I like to see more of the characters' strong reactions, the uncontrolled sensations, what makes humans such, in short. Your characters are a bit stiff sometimes, but no offence. You're very young if I recall correctly, so you've got plenty of time to fix that. Or make it your style, idk. Real life experience is of great help when it comes to the fleshing of fictional people. No big deal, we're all learning and our stories feel more written than lived. Just try to dig further in your characters' discomfort. Dig until it hurts, don't just show it briefly. Readers love characters' discomfort.

My thoughts at the end:

*It is unclear why Apple doesn't like Josh. One might think she is the one who got raped, but that is not the case, I guess. It is unclear what Apple thinks about the doctor. Who should he be then? If it's up to the reader to decide it then okay, but it doesn't add much to the narration whatever way.*

More in the LBL. I hope you find my comments useful. If not, just ignore them.

Cheers,
C

Clever, clever premise. I was a bit thrown off at the beginning, and again when the italics started showing up, but as soon as it became clear, well, it became clear. Heh. Of course, the central premise is a disturbing one: that in order to be fully human, we must have the freedom to be evil. And disturbing is good. Good play on the 'must feature a non-human' rule, too. Not just in the protag, but in that MOST of the people in the story--at least most of the converts--aren't human any more (by the above definition).

It might help to introduce Apple earlier as his assistant--before we have her primary scene. When she appeared for the first time, I was associating her with the woman that had been raped. In fact, the early interactions with Josh may need to be worked on some. When I first read it--and maybe this just means I watch too much news--but I thought that when Josh says, "No, do you remember me from before" and they're both being secretive, that, well, Aamin (<--nice, by the way), had raped him. Thus, the story was tracking a lot differently in my head until that issue got worked out.

Even before that, I was seeing Aamin as a mad scientist type and figured that he was a fraud of some sort. Don't know if that was the effect you were going for, but figured you'd want to know my initial impressions.

Also, at least a couple of times when Aamin answers Apple's thoughts rather than verbal statements, what he says seemed like natural extensions of what he had just been saying and thus there was no real reason for her to question him on them. Only later, when she thinks something and his answer digresses considerably from what he had been talking about, would the thought-reading be that clear to her.

I enjoyed it. It was a quick read and gives us lots of good philosophical fodder.

PS (post-reading the comments above): Yup, lots of good comments on this one, most of which covered the stuff I said better than I did. Heh. The idea I really like is that of seeing this story from Apple's point of view. That could theoretically have thrown blown the 'feature a non-human' part of the rules, except that I have been interpreting that as: a non-human must be featured in the story--but not necessarily be the POV character. I could be wrong about that, however (fortunately, I think my story still covers the proverbial bases, even if my POV character is, at least genetically, human). In any case, I certainly think it would make it a stronger story, rather than weaker.

--Patrick...

The Human Argument