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Jacqueline Lucca's picture

Knowing Damien Powers

By Jacqueline Lucca in Teleport Us

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Description

Damien Powers. After Rayne meets the boy with two names she can never see her world again because when perfection clashes with illusion, she is left wondering what it really means to "know."

Comments

Fhhakansson's picture
Fhhakansson from Sweden is reading Odd Interlude - Dean Koontz March 1, 2013 - 8:29am

Interesting opening. Damien's "pale face" and the question of his haunted look hooked me as a reader. The way you slowly change the notion of what it means to "Know" is cleverly executed. When the narrator says:

"Our city was close, every building was connected. It was a beautiful and convenient city but best of all, it was a knowing city."

I immediately thought they were not knowing at all, but rather secluded, ignorant, and perhaps even brainwashed, and that Damien knew something the other didn't. It made me want to keep going and figure out what secrets he had. 

While he does reveal something towards the end (I'll refrain from spoiling anything) I was hoping for something more, some greater reveal and better "aha!" moment. Maybe I missed something - I read it rather fast after all.

Still - the way you handled the "non-human" character here was different and intriguing. Considering the prompts given to us I say you did well even though your work could have been longer to fleshen out both the narrator and Damien - perhaps just to have a single scene where the two have a chat - and I wish there had been an additional, deeper level to it.

While the overall prose was free of lazy mistakes, such as bad spelling (which I am cursed with... I can read my own work thousands of times and still manage to miss the most obvious error) I felt you could have cleaned the prose up a bit, made it tidier, and more concentrated. I made a few notes while reading that I can send to you via PM if you want.

Jacqueline Lucca's picture
Jacqueline Lucca March 1, 2013 - 3:10pm

Thanks so much for such helpful feedback! I will definetely try to put in another scene with Damien Powers and Rayne (or maybe stretch the scene out at the end so that we get a littile more background on their characters), as well as think of a bigger or more ominous climax to add to Damien's character. I would love to get your notes via PM on making the story better. Thanks! 

Michael.Eric.Snyder's picture
Michael.Eric.Snyder March 1, 2013 - 1:26pm

Hi Jacquieline! Your title drew me in. Damien Powers sounds like the name of a character I'd like to learn about. 

I did have a hard time with the story. There were some grammatical errors, yes, but overall the story felt rushed. A distinct lack of detail made it hard for me to "buy in" to the action. It never seemed believable. I had a very hard time understanding the tablet smashing through the window and going out the window and where are they and why is it a revealing moment for the narrator and and and... I'm out of breath.

I'd start with the very beginning. Rather than just plop Damien down and expect us to believe it's time for him to Know, let the reader "know" just what it means to Know. What does Knowing entail? And why is there so much seemingly extra focus on Damien? Does everyone have an audience? How could it be so easy to bust out of wherever he is with a tablet thrown threw a window?

Once you start answering these questions I think you might be able to pull the story into focus. Good luck!

 

IrishMak's picture
IrishMak from NH March 5, 2013 - 6:01pm

I liked your basic premise, but thought it could have been expanded a bit. I was left a bit confused by much of the story where it lacked some back story to explain things like the Knowing and why it was felt to be so important. It seemed a bit easy to have Damien able to break out of the city simply by breaking a window. If they were in a city, then breaking a window should not have put them completely outside (although I think I understand where you were going). I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't read it yet, but a little more development would improve the focus.

I did like the character of Damien. He's described well, and has a good feel to him. Rayne's confusion when faced with a world she has never seen before is nicely done, as well.

-Mak

http://litreactor.com/events/teleport-us/a-hundred-more

Wonder Woman's picture
Wonder Woman from RI is reading 20th Century Ghosts March 15, 2013 - 4:09pm

Your story hooked me right away and I'm sad there isn't more to it. It was a fun and interesting introduction to Damian, but I do wish the encounter lasted longer. I felt like the ending was too abrupt and would like to read more about the city and the world beyond. I hope you'll expand and maybe put the story in the workshops. I loved how confident Damian is your descriptions are great. I think your story has plenty of potential. Good luck!

Adam Jenkins's picture
Adam Jenkins from Bracknell, England is reading RCX Magazine (Issue 1 coming soon) March 28, 2013 - 7:58am

I'll join my voice to those saying there could be more to this. It did feel a bit rushed, and lacking in necessary details. The characters don't get to show a lot of what they are about. Knowing gets spoken about a lot, but it is such a vague term that it lacks meaning without anything behind it. It could do with a tidy up here and there too - "I could see fear terror to thoughtfulness in his large eyes"; "“Then where I am I from?” he asked me." There seems to be interesting concept here, city-dwellers pitying those outside, and the outsider pitying those trapped in the city. I tripped a bit over the escape being a simple broken window. If there is such a separation you'd have thought it would be harder, or that Damien would have escaped previously. The slight twist surrounding Mr Hemming is lacking in any impact because we simply do not know who Mr Hemming is. The bones are there, you just need put a little more flesh on them.

ArlaneEnalra's picture
ArlaneEnalra from Texas is reading Right now I'm editing . . .. March 30, 2013 - 7:06pm

Hmm, there's not quite enough here for me.  You have a girl named Rayne who is at least partially attracted to Damien.  We need to know more about what's going on.  What's the city like?  What's the outside/beyond like?  (You give us a glimpse of that but not nearly enough to understand it.)  Where are Damien's parents?  What's Damien like?  (Other than seeing him as a willful child who thinks he knows something of the world, I can't tell you anything about him.)

Flesh it out some more and I'm sure you'd have a solid story!  Still, Good Work!