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HM1764: Reset
How It Rates
Description
Her hand moved above the rows and rows of vials, casting a shadow, and settled at last over the one labeled HM1764. Arché, the Seer, exhaled one long sad breath, and pushed her seat away from the desk. It was time.
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Comments
I liked this one quite a bit. The narrative voice flows smoothly in most places and the interspersing of italicized sections--plus the scenes of Arche--keep just the right tone and distance from one another.
The early sections could use a read-through for a few grammatical bits I caught here and there, but I decided to let you find them, since I was busy being drawn along by the story. This was definitely a good thing.
It may have been the .pdf formatting on my end, but the last section--with Arche--didn't have either the separated block text of the earlier sections, or indents for un-separated paragraphing.
Two small bits did jerk me out of the narrative: on pg 2, "I stopped dead," has a completely different meaning than the metaphorical when one factors in the death all around the protag. "I stopped" is just as powerful and doesn't make me think that the protag just became a corpse. Same thing on pg 3 with "plenty of small car accidents." 'Plenty' throws me off, breaks the tone of the piece; also accidents with small cars? Or small accidents? Wouldn't there just be accidents? Why specifically small ones? To keep the 'no explosions' thing?
[I don't usually say SPOILER, but I will here, since I'm high up in the review queue]
My only big concern is that both the protag AND Manni survive. Why does he live? We don't necessarily need the mechanics of how the survivors survive, but if there's isn't at least a hint as to why (and perhaps I missed it), then it seems terribly coincidental that although one person she loved died, the other lived--even though the survival rate for this Grand Experimenter-incited doom looks to be way, way, way low.
Otherwise, good story, fast-paced--drew me in and kept me reading.
--Patrick...
Thank you so much for your review. I'm so glad you liked it! (I can breathe a sigh of relief, my first comment was a positive one, yay! haha)
I made the changes to the formatting, and I'm going to take another read through it tomorrow for some of the word-choice/content points you made.
I really appreciate the review, thank you!
-HB
oh and with the *spoiler* section:
Simply put, I'm hoping this isn't the end of the story. It continues. The survival rate is indeed way way low, but the world goes on and the narrator and Manni really just won the lottery. Perhaps in the future they will know why they were both spared? ;)
I loved this story, apart from some inconsistencies in the end, probably explained by the fact that you intend the story to continue.
You describe the apocalypse engagingly and jarringly. Extremely well done. I must have read Stephen Kings The Fall about a zillion times just for the sequences where the world falls apart. You did this well, i only could have hoped for more of it.
I agree with the previous review, that Manni survives doesnt really do it for me. It would make for a better short story if she was alone, I think. (I would love to read the novel, though)
Nice!
Thanks! I'm blown away by the wonderful feedback so far. I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
*sorry for the late reply, I had family visiting me in Germany last week :)
As to the fact that Manni survives, I'm on the fence about this as well, and it's a decision I didn't make lightly... in fact, I've written other iterations of this story where she is totally alone! That said, there are some important reasons, both with style/plot, why his character continues. :)
I'd like to address those here, (and get some feedback/thoughts on the decision):
1) As I mentioned above, I picture this as a series of short stories, like brief time capsules, continuing the story (hopefully! I'm excited that you would be interested to read more!)
2) It was really important to me that the story and characters go through big transitions.
-From the beginning: day to day thoughts, memories, observations
-To the middle: their happiness is interrupted by ONE death, which at the time seems to be due to age. (*So here, Manni couldn't die, because I wanted it to start like any other hospital emergency)
-Then the end: descending into total chaos as they experience the incomprehensibility of their new reality.
3) I wanted the narrator to be separate, like an observer but not omnipotent. Meaning, she observes the changes around her, and describes her own experiences and feelings, but she's also almost like a 3rd person narrator. So I wanted her to watch Manni experience the end of the world, almost as much as she herself experiences it...
Basically, I wanted the collapse of her world to build like a snowball tumbling down a mountain and in the end, I felt that I needed Manni's character to accomplish this......?
Anyway, I hope that sheds some light on my decision to keep Manni alive. Was it a good decision? I totally see your point and I guess I have to wait and see what I do with him later haha!
Thank you again so much for your feedback. I'm getting started reading all the other entries now to pass the favor on :)
Cheers,
Heather
I enjoyed this story quite a bit. The end of the world is described really well, the level of confusion and fear is really well written and not over the top.
As to Manni surviving along with his lover. Hmmm...I understand the inclination to leave Manni alive and I think with that its a personal choice as they're your characters but I have to say it might work better if she's alone or some other random person is alive in the nursing home rather than her and the man she loves. But again, this is just an opinion and your characters are yours to do with as you will.
I love the idea of the Seer, the Destroyer, etc...she is well realized and her pain is understandable and I simply adore how she sees them as "experiements" to be created, maintained and destroyed at will. Fantastic.
Great job!
Thank you so much for your review! It's my first time showing my work to other people and it's a bit scary and exciting!! :) haha. Hearing feedback like yours is really helpful and also "confidence building" for me! So, thank you!!!
I'm so glad you enjoyed the read and that the idea behind the story is something you found interesting and compelling. Arche was the biggest surprise for me too, and I thought her approach to her "experiments" was very complex: motherly, but also kind of sick/terrible at the same time. ;)
As to Manni's survival, take a look at the response I left Klahol, above, he had the same question/concern. I think you're right about the personal choice thing too though, (I read an article on LR about the folly of being too "kind" to your main characters) and I'm probably guilty of that here haha, but as I mentioned above, I do have my reasons...
Thanks again! Happy reading&writing!
Solidly written! You did a very good job of immersing your reader quickly in the story and building terror within your characters. I could almost feel the sense of desperation and panic coursing through the narrator. The one thing that's missing for me is a form of technology?!?
Still, I think this one earned an up vote!
Good Work!
Thanks for the vote and feedback!! I'm so, so happy you felt immersed in the world... that was my number one goal with this story. I wanted the panic and fear and desperation to hit the reader too! Seriously, it's hard for me to express (without the use of wayyy too many emoticons) how awesome it is for me to receive generally, really positive feedback on this one! Thank you, glad you enjoyed it!
The technology element is something Liam, below, also commented on as well, but it's definitely there; it's probably just not what you were expecting/looking for (it's relatively low-tech). I'll paste my response here so you don't have to hunt through the long response below:
Here, I think you looked at the work with "high tech" scifi eyes, however, as Adam noticed, Arche has a lot of tech going on in her world. In fact, her technology exists in our world too! I polled a few people in the forum before posting and their response was that, there's no invention more "plausible" than one that actually exists! This technology is simply: lab work, chemistry/bio, the ability to grow cultures (and universes) of people and planets like a scientist would cultivate bacteria in a petri dish. Studying and perfecting genetic modification is, to me at least, a very plausible scifi/real technology. :)
Hope that clears up your question about the tech, thanks again for taking the time to read and give feedback!
This flows really well, and you have a light touch. The nightmare scenario is wonderfully done, and I love that idea of everyone just no longer alive. Arché is a fascinating character to introduce right at the end, a hint to the godlike but I read it as someone with technology far advanced from our own. I like the idea of these vignettes making up a larger story, like a mosaic poster. Good story!
Awesome! I'm so glad you liked it! This is a story that I've had in my head for a long time and I've always been really fascinated with "the end", especially the moment of the end. What if it's not catastrophic at all? I think you really understood my vision, and it sounds like you would be the perfect "wise sage" to bounce ideas off of! (..."wise sage" off of whom to bounce ideas???)
Ok, now it's time for a(n embarrassing) confession (and my own personal open-palm-to-face moment)... I had an idea of what it meant, but I had to look up the word "vignettes"... Hopefully that admission gets honesty points and not just disappointment, haha. I had no idea that it had an official name, but seeing as how it's a theater/sometimes movie thing, that makes sense, because I really envision my world in terms pictures, or film. I was really nervous about intertwining so many narratives but I tried to bring them all together to create a greater story, like a mosaic (that's EXACTLY how I pictured it!!).
So, I'm really happy you liked the idea, and I thank you especially for continuing my education ;)
Thanks again, Happy reading&writing!
Wise Sage is a new one for me, I've not been referred to as that before. I'm always happy to have ideas bounced off me though.
I can't say I blame you for not knowing vignette, it wasn't long ago I'd assume it was something you pour over salad.
I'm with you on writing in a visual way. I always picture my story as a film, though I find it frustrating when I can't do that vision justice on the page. I've always struggled a little with description. You do it really well here, and I do love that ending.
Hi,
Credit for doing something a bit different, though that difference for me makes it less like SciFi, and I can't really see a Utopia/dystopia element, nor a "plausible invention", so it's not only different from all the other stories in the Teleport Universe, its not clear it meets the competition specification!
Treating it purely as it is, (without regard to comp) a careful self review and edit wouldn't go amiss - it's not so much typos, or wrong words, your writing is blissfully free of them (definite skills and/or care and attention) - but continuity, and maximimising the impact. So, in your opening paragraph, you introduce an unnamed female character, and then Arche - the reader has to make a leap to link the two, whereas if you named her from the start, it would be clearer.
Similarly, you refer to Arche separately as the seer, the light, and the dawn, before switching to another name for the destruction. This doesn't really help our reading experience!
As others have mentioned, the choice of comparisons in the nursing home need to be done carefully - stopped "dead", and the "sleeping" orderlies.
From the point of resistance to the cause of death, it isn't clear whether Manni is or isn't - is he partially susceptible (looking green, throwing up) or is that just reaction to what he sees? And is the narrator affected at all? And of course, the end for HM1764 is unclear, the experiment has failed and been ended, but it still goes on for the narrator of the middle part - until what? Until the vial is cleaned?
Ultimately, playing or writing about god is tricky, and difficult to both tell something new, and pitch it right. A brave, but in my mind,failed experiment! Do keep at it though!
Liam
Thanks for the review! It's great to hear a counter point to “how it worked” for people. I saw this story as indeed a bit different from some of the other entries, but I wanted to flesh it out, and (hopefully) give people an interesting/enjoyable read. Your feedback is really constructive for me, so thank you for taking the time to help me out :)
If I might, though, I'd like to respond to some of your comments... maybe it will clear things up and even change your mind about my little experiment ;)
As to whether or not this qualifies:
Here, I think you looked at the work with "high tech" scifi eyes and perhaps missed a couple of things. But it's there. As Adam above noticed, Arche has a lot of tech going on in her world. In fact, her technology exists in our world too! I polled a few people in the forum before posting and their response was that, there's no invention more "plausible" than one that actually exists! This technology is simply: lab work, chemistry/bio, the ability to grow cultures (and universes) of people and planets like a scientist would cultivate bacteria in a petri dish. Studying and perfecting genetic modification is, to me at least, a very plausible scifi/real technology. :)
I think both Utopian and Dystopian elements can also be found, though these are a bit more subtle. I suppose Arche’s world could be considered utopian, but to me, it’s her quest to create a utopian world in her experiments that is most interesting. Also, the new world that the narrator and Manni continue in, almost devoid of human life, is now a collapsed shell of the world they once knew. How will they survive, will they continue, will they “build again?” So, though not explicitly stated, I think dystopian and utopian themes are there in enough of a form to qualify the story.
Your other comments:
I like the idea of naming Arche sooner. As for calling her by different names, I was very careful in my description of her, to give her as few concrete details as possible, including her name. I wanted her to be seen as an ethereal “all” being. She should be vague and mysterious, and I tried to let the reader be comfortable with her character, while still never landing on one name. Like a transitive identity.
“stopping dead/sleeping orderlies”… man, I thought soooo hard about changing those or keeping them haha… I kept them in the end because I wanted the reader to share, just ever so slightly, in the panic, or dare I say, confusion (!) that the characters are going through ;) You (reviewers) are probably right there…
Both Manni and the Narrator are immune. Manni’s sickness is simply a result of finding piles and piles of bodies.
Arche lets the vials continue… she simply “Resets" them (hence, the title). I tried to allude to this with her thoughts at the end, her sliver of hope that the few remaining survivors would “build something new”. Essentially, I think the story continues inside the vial, and Arche will check back in a day or two (maybe hundreds of years on Earth). Meanwhile, she will start new vials with genetic variations/modifications of the forms she’d constructed for “our” Earth.
I’m not responding here in an effort to justify my own writing, so much as trying to answer the questions you had. -With the exception of as to whether or not this work qualifies… I do want to make my case there ;)
Again, I just really want to thank you for taking the time to ask those questions of me. Hopefully, I’ve cleared some things up, and maybe after a second read (??), you’ll see it with new eyes!!!