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Stephen Wilds's picture

Fracture

By Stephen Wilds in Teleport Us

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Description

On the distant planet known as Algoo'des, society has become a paradise, perfect for all its people other than one man who still remembers the times before things were easy. The creation of a stem-cell research project has given them immortal life, an endless food source, and taken away their bad memories, but not everyone can adjust to this, as Tora is about to find out. 

Comments

Joe P's picture
Joe P from Brainerd, MN is reading Pet Sematary February 23, 2013 - 8:33am

There's a decent story at the core of this, but I think you need to work on your style and voice.  Put just as much effort into how you tell as what you tell.  I'd rather read a boring story told eloquently than an epic story told flat.

Stephen Wilds's picture
Stephen Wilds February 24, 2013 - 10:20am

Thank you for the input. Voice is something I am still trying to master. 

Juice Ica's picture
Juice Ica from Rhode Island is reading The Twelve by Justin Cronin & Beautiful Creatures February 25, 2013 - 12:44pm

I agree with Joe P, there is a good story in here but its not quite there yet. I cannot in good conscience give it a thumbs up or down at this point, its a work in progress. I like the concept and I like the way its told (almost like an old fable, I half expected some kind of moral lesson at the end but was delighted by the twisted ending - whatever re-writes you do, keep that, it was a nice touch). I think another pass with you using a stronger, more action oriented voice would make this story more interesting and exciting. Try to stay away from being too passive in your telling. Also, a bit more detail on the alien race would help me figure out how they look, a perfectly shaped human body or a perfectly shaped alien body? Those can be very different.

I think you are on to something so keep writing! Good luck :)

Stephen Wilds's picture
Stephen Wilds February 25, 2013 - 6:07pm

Thank you. I cut some of the description out because I was worried about going over the word count and the pacing of the story. 

12thkey's picture
12thkey from Richmond, VA is reading Cards as Weapons by Ricky Jay February 26, 2013 - 2:38pm

I agree with the other comments concerning description, POV, etc.  It left me feeling sympathy for the villain.  And while I'm not usually a fan of the fairy tale tone, it works here.  I almost wish it was even more out there, like Vonnegut or Dick. 

scifiwriterguy's picture
scifiwriterguy from Chicago, IL is reading Iscariot by Tosca Lee February 26, 2013 - 4:16pm

Stephen:

As others have said, there's a story in there somwhere, but the craft itself is distracting. You might find this article on "to be" verbs useful. Your story drags becuase you're stuck in passive voice much of the time. Passive drains a story of life. While it can be used to great effect when done well (check out Breaking the Tongue for example), for most fiction writing it does nothing but mire your story and distract the reader.

 

writerfighter77's picture
writerfighter77 February 27, 2013 - 9:37am

I like your concept but I agree it could use some revision, such as eliminating so much of passive voice which like others have said kind of took away from thje flow of the story. Good work, though

Rob Pearce's picture
Rob Pearce from Cambridge, England is reading Lots of unpublished stuff and short story collections February 27, 2013 - 3:04pm

As others have said, this is one of those stories that needs an "undecided" button.

I like the idea you're trying to get across, of the person for whom Utopia is a terrible thing. I wasn't sure the ending worked for that, though, so perhaps you were aiming for something else?

The viewpoint shifts and the passive voice niggled a bit, but given your "old time fable" style they're probably acceptable. However, the inconsistency of tense did annoy me. Also, there are a number of typos - it could do with a general proof-reading clean-up.

Some of the dialog was lovely but some felt flat - particularly Tora's backstory filling.

So in all, a good concept that needs a bit of revision.

Mark Rish's picture
Mark Rish from Georgia is reading We are Anonymous by Parmy Olsen March 3, 2013 - 12:40pm

I liked the ideas in your story, and the overall concept. However, I wanted to know more about the world of the past rather than the utopia. I agree with the other users in terms of how you tell the story. Your dialogue is good though. Your story didn't grab me until the dialogue started. Some more work on the narration and this story will be a good read.

ArlaneEnalra's picture
ArlaneEnalra from Texas is reading Right now I'm editing . . .. March 7, 2013 - 10:58am

It needs some proof reading, but I think you did a good job with the core of your story.  The concept is an interesting one to explore.  I'd say you hit on one of the few ways to make a true utopia an interesting story.  Excellent work on that.

My biggest complaint is that you duplicate a large amount of information in your "setup" that is already or could easily be conveyed by Calus latter one.   It would be much more enticing to discover all the things you tell me about your world from the characters rather than you telling me.  As it is, I don't get sucked into things until about page 2.

Otherwise, Excellent work!

Adam Jenkins's picture
Adam Jenkins from Bracknell, England is reading RCX Magazine (Issue 1 coming soon) March 10, 2013 - 3:41am

I like the idea of the super-villain type foiled by the utopian society, and ignored.  I can certainly buy into how that would leave him utterly deflated.  Having him wax lyrical about the good old bad days is a good touch.  It does feel a little flat here and there, and I noticed a few switches in tense.  It could do with a bit more description - this is an alien landscape yet other than a reference to two suns we really don't get a lot here.  If you want to make this about aliens, make the most of it.  It's a good idea to go for the twist ending, but I'm not convinced by it.  Calus has already admitted he's killed lots of times, so why this time does he see something new?  Some good ideas though, and certainly worthy of further development.

Stephen Wilds's picture
Stephen Wilds March 10, 2013 - 8:22pm

The ending is a matter of the subject and of timing. She was the first person of the new generation that had actually stopped and talked to him, that took an interest in him. The reason is motivating is like when writers say they are inspired to write after good sex. You've had sex before, but sometimes it is the timing and the feeling it reanimates, especially if you haven't done it in a while. So it was a re-motivator for him. 

Stephen Wilds's picture
Stephen Wilds March 10, 2013 - 8:23pm

The ending is a matter of the subject and of timing. She was the first person of the new generation that had actually stopped and talked to him, that took an interest in him. The reason is motivating is like when writers say they are inspired to write after good sex. You've had sex before, but sometimes it is the timing and the feeling it reanimates, especially if you haven't done it in a while. So it was a re-motivator for him. 

Stephen Wilds's picture
Stephen Wilds March 10, 2013 - 8:24pm

The ending is a matter of the subject and of timing. She was the first person of the new generation that had actually stopped and talked to him, that took an interest in him. The reason is motivating is like when writers say they are inspired to write after good sex. You've had sex before, but sometimes it is the timing and the feeling it reanimates, especially if you haven't done it in a while. So it was a re-motivator for him. 

Ethan Cooper's picture
Ethan Cooper from Longview, TX is reading The Kill Room, Heart-Shaped Box, Dr. Sleep March 31, 2013 - 1:17pm

Hm, I could've sworn I commented on this story before now, since I read it awhile ago...

I'll echo the comments above as to changes that need to be made, but your concept is flat-out brilliant, so much so that I'm truly jealous.