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Tobacco Jones's picture

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By Tobacco Jones in Teleport Us

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Once you have read this story, please make sure you rate it by clicking the thumbs above. Then take a few minutes to give the author a helpful critique! We're all here for fun but let's try to help each other too.




dufrescm's picture
dufrescm from Wisconsin is reading Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep February 14, 2013 - 9:46am

I really enjoyed this.  The setting and the characters were all really well done.  The section that was from the dog's perspective was the most exciting, and very well done.  Mom's was well-done too.  I'm not sure the others were quite as strong. 


For a rewrite, consider writing the whole thing from the dog's perspective.  


Good read!

Kirabug's picture
Kirabug from Southeastern PA is reading all the graphic novels in the house February 14, 2013 - 9:39pm

I liked this, but I felt like there was an ending missing. You did a great job of establishing the characters' personalities, especially the dog. I missed their motivations, though (well, Dee Dee's motivations were obvious) probably because I wasn't clear on the setting. It had all of the elements of a highly intrusive dystopian society but I never got a good feel for why the society was dystopian, or why everyone was under surveillance. So the spooks' anger at surveillance being available didn't make any sense. None of the characters grew or changed, so it was more like a vignette than a story. 

I agree with the above commenter that reading it all from the perspective of the dog would be very interesting. 

Kelby Losack's picture
Kelby Losack from Texas is reading Muerte Con Carne; The Summer Job; Bizarro Bizarro February 15, 2013 - 7:56pm

This feels less like a story, more like a vignette. Like a trailer that makes you forget what movie you actually came to see, it leaves you wanting more. I'm not being negative, however, because it definitely left me wanting more. 

You've developed an interesting world, some believable characters, and a voice that feels like an amateur Vonnegut, clever and subtle (for the most part). Notice, though, I said nothing of plot. It's not there. Something to consider for a rewrite would be condensing all of the information paragraphs and placing bits of them into scenes where something is going on outside of a character's head. The mom (probably my favorite character) spends a lot of time wondering, and the kids too much time glued to the TV. I know, I know, especially in a world where they are forced to be shut in, kids watch tons of television. But it feels like a cheap way to inject the story with information. Let the kids be telephiles, but don't let GTV be your only info dump. 

I like the multiple perspectives, even though it is third-person narration, when I'm reading about the girl, I feel like most of the word choice is from her own mind. You are a good writer, you have amazing ideas, and this ultra-long clip could be a great short story if you took these characters and this world you have now and use them to create a solid plot. 

You use a lot of simple descriptions, like how transportation and television-watching work, that kick my imagination into fill-in-the-blanks mode. Trust your reader's imagination, and keep descriptions subtle but powerful. Very well done. Can't wait for the rewrite. 

Tobacco Jones's picture
Tobacco Jones February 15, 2013 - 10:29pm

IMO this was a very insightful and helpful review, thank you. Incredibly, the lack of plot had not occurred to me. Short story, I figured. But I think you and a previous reviewer peg it accurately as a vignette. Plus, your prescriptions seem on the money.



Kelby Losack's picture
Kelby Losack from Texas is reading Muerte Con Carne; The Summer Job; Bizarro Bizarro February 17, 2013 - 8:54am

Happy to help :)

Shane Berryhill's picture
Shane Berryhill February 19, 2013 - 10:42am

Tobacco Jones (love the call sign), I like it that you're trying to make people use their noggin' with this story, rather than spoonfeed your POV to them. That's what literature should do. But I believe your story needs improvement in its execution. Again, I recommend aspiring writers read, live, and breathe White and Strunk's THE ELEMENTS OF STYLE.

Keep writing!
-Shane Berryhill
In a society where owning books makes you an outlaw, literature is kept alive by "burners," those who wage war for books by reciting their pages in rap-style battles called "burns." BURN by Shane Berryhill features "Reader" on the night of the biggest burn in his life. Reader must face off against "Shakespeare" for the title of "Librarian" while the Tolstoys, the Austens, the Wells, the Vernes, and all the other burner gangs look on. BURN is a tribute to the work of Ray Bradbury and a love letter to the written word.
Read, rate, and review BURN here:

ArlaneEnalra's picture
ArlaneEnalra from Texas is reading Right now I'm editing . . .. February 21, 2013 - 5:03pm

I'm not sure quite what to think of this story, but it has earned an up vote from me. It feels a little like a setup for something more. The writings pretty good and you nailed all the elements, at least as far as I could tell. My biggest problem is that sense that the story doesn't end with the dogs destruction.

Good work though!

Adam Jenkins's picture
Adam Jenkins from Bracknell, England is reading RCX Magazine (Issue 1 coming soon) March 6, 2013 - 12:58am

There are some really good ideas here.  I like the tale being told from the different perspectives, though you nail some of the voices better than others.  The distopian society is well written, and I particularly liked the idea of the unions.  I'm not sure I agree with some of the other comments to do it all from the dog's perspective, as you'd lose some of the heart from missing out on the mother's point of view.  There isn't much in the way of plot on display, and little conflict here, but I do like the day in the life style you've attempted, even if that day is different to the norm due to the dog.  The ending seems unnatural though, almost tacked on for convenience.  The men coming to take and destroy the dog is fine, but the hint that the dog downloads something damaging to the powers that be seems out of place to me.  It may work better in a bigger piece where we see a bit more of the dog's backstory - more hints towards how it picked up this information, how it got to DeeDee, why does it reveal itself so obviously when it's with the kids?  There is more here to be written - you've nailed the style you just need to concentrate on fleshing out the plot.

misilsmith's picture
misilsmith February 10, 2014 - 2:22am

Pet dog are the one that are lovely in look and gives security to the people. But the better health makes the better secure environment. I have seen people those are very sensetive about their pet. If any health issues comes to the dog then used to go chatsworth Vet for treatment. I love pets and like to keep pet at home.