Dog Star

**SPOILER ALERT!!**

Hey Tom,

A story with some potential in my opinion. I thought the way that the world had changed, adaptation to life on the ship and the relationships between some of the characters were really good. (For some reason it made me think of Red Dwarf - before everyone was killed obviously!) I was intrigued as to what they had found and the reason for zero gravity, and I really liked your writing style.

My thoughts on how to make it better:

For Mika, I liked that she was confident at the beginning but thought that she lost this a little further on. I wanted her to be more feisty - when she was called out to investigate what they had found I thought that she would be psyched. This opportunity was why she wanted to go on the mission? I also thought that the ending could be built up a little more - a bit more tension and mystery somehow.

Overall I liked the premise, enjoyed the story and gave it a like :-) Hopefully the feedback is of use!

Matty

I really liked the imagery in this, especially the part where she wakes up. You do a very good job of describing a world I've never seen in a way I can understand. Thumbs up for me.

You did a very good job with the setting and the environment.  Parts of the story reminded me of Nathan Lowell's Solar Clipper novels.  There were only a few, minor editing issues, but nothing overly jaring or problematic.  The biggest complaint I have is the way you ended the story.  To me, that was just where it was starting to get interesting!  ARGH!  I really feel this story could have benefitted from a slightly longer word count and about what they found waiting.

Still, definitely worth the read!  (Do tell if you writer a longer version ;)

I liked this story- It was well written and detailed, but I have to agree the ending was a litle abrupt.

Very good story, Tom. I didn't feel overwhelmed by technical jargon even though Mika's a techie. My problem with your ending was that it was reminiscent of Alien and sci-fi films of that genre where a strong female lead finds and is mesmerised by a space creature. The abrupt ending for me was very Hollywood. I'd like to see you show us why this story will be different from those, and if you do make it into a novella, I'd love to see where you go from here. 

Personally I thought it was pitch perfect, including the end. I agree that Mikka's character was a bit hit and miss, maybe making her less feisty at the beginning would round her out, though that is a minor quibble ultimately.

I definitely agree that leaving the ending to the reader's imagination is a very powerful tool, and it reminded me of the scene in Alien where they discover the space jockey.

I thought the abrupt ending was fine. It could certainly be expanded on, but this story was definitely about the journey and not the destination.

I agree with other commenters that Mika was a bit uneven. A couple other people mentioned this. It'd be nice to see her go from quite naive to a confident crewman, or perhaps more interestingly to go from a capable crewman to in-way-over-her-head. 

I thought the dialog is pretty solid. Nice work.

This was a fun, casual read. I really like that you had more "hard science" in here. I know how difficult that can be. You convincced me that you knew what you were talking about. Well done. I think your main character was decently fleshed out, and I had no problems with dialogue.

Suggestions for improvement:

Take a good look at your language, and really ask whether the sentence feels awkward. The specific section that comes to mind is where she's sending a message, beginning with: "Selecting the messaging, she tapped out a message to someone related to her..." It just sounds awkward to me. Really analyze what the reader needs to know. For example, this reader needs to know who the message is to and why is she picking that person(s) (her parents?). Make it mean something. As written, it seems like she doesn't really care. For this to be any sort of catharsis, it probably needs to be more specific.

I can tell you bumped up against the 4k limit. The story starts out slow, and doesn't get super-interesting until the end. I think starting the story closer to the middle would work better (for example, just coming out of stasis, vomitting). You can probably intersperse all the backstory in as needed, but honestly, 4k doesn't give you enough time to much concern yourself with HOW she got to be on the mission. What's important is that she's on the mission, and that they found something.

I liked the story, until the end. For me, not a very satisfying ending. I actually don't mind an open-ended/mysterious ending. My problem has more to do with the fact that the reader probably isn't going to be all that amazed because there's very little context to place that amazement in. Are we supposed to be scared, awed? Is this salvation or doom? We don't have any clue. The story as written doesn't give us enough to make any real guesses. Consider at least presenting some options to us, so we can choose for ourselves.

The overall feeling I get is that your story is all beginning. It starts to get to the middle/conflict, and then just ends. For me to feel satisfied, I need all three parts.

I hope these suggestions make sense and are helpful.

This is not the kind of sci-fi I usually read, and I did find it hard going.  It was well written though, and I liked the way you left ended it abruptly and so open ended.  This is not going to be the most useful feedback unfortunately, because this just isn't my kind of story (though no thumbs down just on personal taste either).  It is a little slow to get going, especially for the more casual reader, but I did get the impulsiveness of Mika at the beginning, and so the way she acts further on made sense to me.  Ultimately it feels like a condensed story, and would work well as a longer story.  You have a nice narrative style.