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Ben Currier's picture

Burnt Offerings

By Ben Currier in Teleport Us

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Description

The President of the United States decides that anyone who cannot reproduce is not a person and shall be put to death.  Anyone helping these people shall be put to death too, humanely.  There is only one way to respond to this type of action.

Comments

Cipherscribe's picture
Cipherscribe from Michigan, but all my exes live in Texas. is reading Dragonlance: Dragons of Autumn Twilight March 1, 2013 - 9:18am

Wow, powerful story and powerful beginning and ending. I would suggest tightening it up a bit. My mind started to wander right after the powerful beginning when they're all meeting in front of the TV. With editing and tightening, this could be really great. 

Thanks for posting.

scifiwriterguy's picture
scifiwriterguy from Chicago, IL is reading Iscariot by Tosca Lee March 2, 2013 - 10:49pm

Ben,

I like your voice. Other than the over-long presidential speech, you write fairly cleanly. I think the story is long and a bit cumbersome. I suggest cutting as much as you can without losing the key elements of the story.

I think that the story seems to be missing some element of human experience--the dystopia represented by scorching people alive on television suggests that any sort of protest would be utterly useless. How can a public accepting of wholesale slaughter on the scale of the Nazis be swayed by a group of people protesting? Protests require a free press and a society capable of making redress against government to work. That's why Soviet Russia didn't have many, and neither does North Korea. If you can crush protestors like bugs without any consequences, that's pretty much what you will do.

I think I might like this story better if they did become terrorists or otherwise seek to militarily overcome an oppressive regime. The society feels far too long gone for anything but an actual civil war.

Kind Regards,

Nathan

IrishMak's picture
IrishMak from NH March 4, 2013 - 11:20am

I like the basic premise of the story, although a few things did seem a bit odd. For one, saying that the reasoning behind exterminating gays is because they can't reproduce seems a bit contrived, since they can, they choose not to do so in the usual heterosexual way. It also seems a bit odd that the society that seemingly accepted the laws that santioned mass execution of gay people would turn so completely (or so it seemed in the story) around due to one speech.

There were a few mechanical things I noticed- in one spot you refer to Telsa as Tesla. Natural mistype, of course, but it stuck out to me. Also there were a few snetences that had extra words that made no sense. Possibly edits that weren't complete?

I think it could be tightened up a bit, and there seems to be a lot of talking in large blocks that became to like info dumps and did detract a bit from the action.

All in all, a good start.

-Mak

http://litreactor.com/events/teleport-us/a-hundred-more

klahol's picture
klahol from Stockholm, Sweden is reading Black Moon March 5, 2013 - 12:24pm

I really liked the brutality and chilling plausibility of the Presidents speech. It really set the scene for a true dystopia. But you kind of lost me right thereafter. 

I think the overall setting could have been made much simpler and been all the more chilling for it. The rise of a tea party-like right wing President in our immediate future is a pretty scary one. 

I did like it, though. I think with a few edits it might be a real gem. 

 

 

Juice Ica's picture
Juice Ica from Rhode Island is reading The Twelve by Justin Cronin & Beautiful Creatures March 6, 2013 - 9:31am

This is a powerful story. I really liked the ideas behind it but it does need some work, there needs to be a more clear reason for why this is acceptable to the society at first and one speech won't do it - maybe some detail explaining that this had been going on for awhile? Im not sure but I need to know why one speech would get people to react so strongly at the end. 

The blue lipstick is a great touch. A great mark of the resistance and the speeches given are powerfully written. You have a wonderful voice. 

Some simple edits and a more clear motivation would make this story something extraordinarily special. Nice job. Im going to give a thumbs up!

Ethan Cooper's picture
Ethan Cooper from Longview, TX is reading The Kill Room, Heart-Shaped Box, Dr. Sleep March 7, 2013 - 11:39am

An interesting piece. This is one of those things that many people believe could happen, so it lends an air of realism to the concept. I think it's still in the realm of alternate-universe because, if anything, things are going the opposite way. That said, the story is believable, and that's what you want with this and similar ideas.

I had no problems with the prose, and I think you delivered your message. I do think there is some room for improvement. Here are my thoughts:

1. The presidential speech doesn't really sound like how our president's talk. I don't really think you need this speech to make your story work, but I also have no problem keeping it. If you do keep it, I'd take a look at some presidential speeches and pattern the flow after some of the good ones.

2. It doesn't seem believable to me that the president would ever directly kill somebody while in office. I'd have him give the order, but executions should be done by his minions. I know you're driving home a point, but in this case, your hammer's a little too big for my tastes.

3. The whole story is presented pretty matter-of-fact. Meaning, the reader may decide to turn their brain off because they're not having to work for anything. I didn't find myself very engaged with your main character.

4. Not a lot happens in the middle of your story (where the conflict is supposed to be fleshed out). I'd like to see some real action here. Skip all the exposition, and get right to the protesting. Make us discover and like your characters while they're doing stuff. Having them sit around, planning their protest might work in a larger story, but with only 4k words to work with, you don't have much time for this sort of thing.

5. I think the ending is decent (as far as the main character's "sacrifice"), although it does stretch believability that popular opinion is so easily swayed. For me to truly accept thsi ending, you would have had to justify it during the middle part of the story. Something really does have to explain why the crowd decides to revolt.

I hope this is useful feedback. You have a good start of a story here. It does need quite a bit of tightening to really make your message shine through. No matter what, keep writing!

CKevin's picture
CKevin from Charleston, SC is reading Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch March 11, 2013 - 7:32pm

Ben,

It's been a few days since you've had a response but I'm working through submissions as time allows.

Yours is actually the second story I've read here that explores the same theme but yours takes a much darker turn and I think your writing is very effective in setting an approrpiate emotional tone.

While I appreciate the point you were triyng to make, I would like to see more emphasis on a plot. For the first half of the work nothing much happens and it seems as if you're making the same argument against the government's new attitude about homosexuals over and over. Instead of telling us, show the reader more of this world you've created and let us form our own opinions.

The work deserves your attention so take the time to edit and rewrite, particularly paying attention to strip out many of the instances of passive voice and tightening the narrative.

Good luck!

C.

Wonder Woman's picture
Wonder Woman from RI is reading 20th Century Ghosts March 15, 2013 - 2:01pm

I think this story has some great potential to pack a punch, (and more than the gut punch it already has, which I mean as a compliment!)

I felt a bit confused about the summary stating that "anyone who cannot reproduce is not a person" but then it's focus is on gays and lesbians. I guess I thought it was going to be about people who were infertile, or perhaps the controlling of reproduction somehow, but it was actually quite different. My thought is that if you changed the focus to either include those unwilling to reproduce (both gay & straight) or those who are infertile, it would be more consistant. I think another reviewer already pointed out that even if they choose not to reproduce in the hetero way, it's still possible for gays to be dads and lesbians to become moms.

Of course, I realize that fertility may not be the focus of the story at all, but that's kind of what we're set up for with that reasoning. I think if the President in the story made their relationships the focal point of his argument, saying something like they don't reproduce naturally in their unions, then that would make more sense than simply saying they can't reproduce. I hope that doesn't sound like nitpicking, but I feel like he would have to incinerate anyone who can't or won't reproduce under his current reasoning. 

I also agree with another reviewer that I'd like to see the protesting students make more than one speech that changes minds. Maybe several media attacks over time or something? The blue lipstick was a nice touch and the ending worked for me. I just think they'd need more time and ammunition to change minds so drastically. I hope this helps. 

Melissa

Adam Jenkins's picture
Adam Jenkins from Bracknell, England is reading RCX Magazine (Issue 1 coming soon) March 28, 2013 - 9:52am

The reference to Mary Wollstonecraft threw me at first, and I thought this was going to be anti-women rather than anti-gay. It flows well after the initial speech, and there is a lot of potential here. I'd like to have seen more fully developed characters, as I found the story engaging but not those involved in it. The ending is nicely dark with a hint of societal redemption, but the mob does sway easily. This has all the markings of a powerful story, and with a little more work to it I think that is what it will become.

ArlaneEnalra's picture
ArlaneEnalra from Texas is reading Right now I'm editing . . .. March 30, 2013 - 8:26pm

That is a dark but all to possible world you've created there. I doubt that any real world political figure would ever be so publicly brutal or act as the executioner themselves. You earned an up-vote even though the story appears to be missing parts of the criteria. (Technology?)

Good work!