An Incy Wincy Holocaust

Ouch, I couldn't finish this one. It needs a good round of editing. The random bolding of text throughout really distracted me. It might just be my viewer, not sure. Don't give up though! Just keep working on it!

Very cool. I liked this a lot! As other people have mentioned, it does need some tightening. I felt you spent a bit too much time saying how terrible it was that the characters ancestors were forced into cannibalism and incest - I think you made the original point very well and then repeated it too much. 

I could see there was going to be a twist when I read 'Twenty years ago my great great great great grandmother...' I was thinking maybe it was bacteria of some kind. But I was surprised by your twist all the same! :)

Good work!

Matty,

I'll start by saying I liked it. I do think you need to keep the prose simple. It is the point of veiw of the spider after all, but I still think the prose is just full of alot of mistakes that new writers(including myself) often make. You said you joined the workshop right? I was going to do an lbl for you but I couldn't manipulate the text in the format you uploaded it in. If you decide to throw this in the workshop and upload it as a Microsoft Word .doc I can give you a thourough review and I can show you some craft essays on the site and general tips that can take this story from just being good to being really riveting.

It was bogged down with a whole lot of passive voice, and while I think some is necesary for a story like this I still feel it can be strengthened to eleminate alot of it. Also, you have many great opportunities to show more action to really paint a picture and it falls a little flat with all the "telling" instead.

The story as a whole was reallly good. I didn't expect the twist and it was a pleasant and refreshing surprise. I think if you work on the delivery and the crafting of the story a little more this story could be really something. You got my thumbs up!!!

Matty - 

Good concept!  But I think Jonathan hit the nail on the head about the "telling" - I felt like the whole time I was being told a story, rather than painted a picture.  

Start by going through the whole story and crossing out every instance of "were" (or really any variant of "is") and replace it with action - I want to see characters doing things, not "being" things.

Second, fill out the details. Show me places - the unique details that make a place special and stand out. For example - Is there dirt in the corners? Are there broken windows? Can we see sky?  Use those kinds of details to make your places feel real, especially in a world destroyed by nuclear holocaust.

Third - focus on the characters.  Show me their body language, their quirks, the way they see the world. But try to avoid "thought" statements - just show me their perspective through the way they interact with others and with the world around them.

If you have a workshop membership now, you should spend some time reading the crafting essays that it unlocks, especially Chuck Palahniuk's essays.  They are amazing resources to help you fine-tune your storytelling skills.

Keep up the good work, and good luck in editing!

--Christa

Matty, bravo on having the stones to place your story out in the world. I like your concept, but I think your execution could be improved. I suggest taking a look at THE ELEMENTS OF STYLES By EB White and William J Strunk. It's long been considered the writer's bible.

Cheers,

Shane Berryhill

In a society where owning books makes you an outlaw, literature is kept alive by "burners," those who wage war for books by reciting their pages in rap-style battles called "burns." BURN by Shane Berryhill features "Reader" on the night of the biggest burn in his life. Reader must face off against "Shakespeare" for the title of "Librarian" while the Tolstoys, the Austens, the Wells, the Vernes, and all the other burner gangs look on. BURN is a tribute to the work of Ray Bradbury and a love letter to the written word.

Read, rate, and review BURN here: http://litreactor.com/events/teleport-us/burn
 

A good twist makes you want to go back and re-read, and this did that to me.  It was nice to be able to re-evaluate the piece based on that.  It’s a neat trick, and I like the way you pull the rug out from under our feet.  You play with perception, and you do it well.
 

There is a danger of tilting the entire story on a twist though.  The rest of it has to work, and I’m not sure it does here.  The entire first sequence is written in a way that feels rushed and off-hand, and it did almost lose my attention.  I think your revelation does make sense of some of it, but I don’t see why Zarchius wouldn’t be wary given his rival’s newly evolved advantages.  In a dog eat dog world where the one with the biggest teeth wins, your protag has an advantage that is not used or even hinted at.

What you have here is the bones of a very good twisted little tale.  You start not with exposition, but with a fight sequence, and that is a good choice, it’s just over a little too quickly.  You build the background well, and if you don’t provide a lot of colour to the world, that’s understandable when you don’t want to give away the twist.  I notice Arlane Enalra suggested coming back to this a little way down the line, and that’s not a bad idea.  It is such a good idea for a story, I’d love to see it developed further.  You also have one of my favourite lines from the entire competition, that is so ridiculous and yet perfect – “If you’re aiming to wipe all life forms from the face of the Earth, it is important to check that my Great-Great-Great-Great Grandmother isn’t hiding in the corner.”

(SPOILERS)

Hi Matty,

Read your story mainly because of the intriguing title, and then umm-ed and ahh-ed over my vote, before weighing it on the positive side because ultimately, it's fun!

I'd recommend some fairly major surgery, though, because the knowledge of your narrator makes it less credible. Think about what that great-great... (etc) relative would know, and what she would pass onto her offspring, and then down the line. Allow for chinese whispers. Would she know Kring's reasons? (Do we? Do we belive this meglamania actually chose to wipe out all but himself?) Would she know what "Neo-communism" is? The date? If so, how?

Whether you need the "plugged in" clones or not is a mute point. The spiders could still wreck revenge as long as the humans are living in the bunker. Or even not - if they humans begin to emerge once again, the spiders can go hunting! What you have created is a world with only two lifeforms - for there to be a LOT of spiders, would require them to somehow have sustained themselves - perhaps they have been taking blood from the humans all along? (While they sleep - or are plugged in, if you keep that idea)

I'd like a little more on the spider evolution as well - obviously, 20 years of fighting should select for certain types - so that the narrator is half the size of the "bully" seems odd. Maybe some of that venom could have been developing all along? Maybe they don't taste so good! I do love the idea of the "accidental passenger" on the ark, the best laid plans falling foul of that beast lurking in the corner...

Watch out for hero narrators (it's always tempting, but...) - the fact this is the first - the ONLY venomous spider - is strange. (And not really the way we expect evolution to work - though there is always that background radiation...) There could be more - a generation or two, but maybe they've been keeping it quiet, until there's enough of them. You don't necessarily need Cortis to be the hero, and you don't strictly need the revenge to start "tomorrow".

Liam

Hi Matty,

Nice concept and all, but as it is the story reads halfway between a synopsis and a probably longer story than just 4000 words. I get you're new here, so I suggest you read the very awesome essays on writing in the workshop. It's not just wonderful words of advice from great writers, they also form a shared vocabulary of literary concepts that we all refer to here.

So, the first thing I noticed is you have to unpack. It's a basic tool we use in order to show vs tell. So, when you say people is having a great time at the party, you must describe as much as you can so that the reader can draw a mental image from your words. Use as many specific verbs as you can. Describe the setting, the jokes attendees are making, the stuff they're drinking and its effects. That will establish a mood, and once a mood is established it can be more effectively destroyed by the enemy coming to ruin the party.

About Zarchius, for example, the battle should be showing longer and more difficult. It's not enough to say that he's very dangerous if you don't show that it takes days to kill him, or an army, or an extremely clever trick. We don't believe you, you see, you have to convince us. Unpacking like hell.

Another thing I noted, you call the new way people sustain themselves by the general name of "technology". See, I would never call my telephone "this here technology". I call it "my telephone", or "this iphone", or so. Give that technology a specific name, it will strengthen the authority of you narration.

I would have done a LBL had your file been not read-only, but you have enough to work with for the moment anyway. 

Cheers,
C

*SPOILERS*

A terrific twist! I actually kind of glad that, were this to happen, I wouldn't survive to welcome our spider overlords. I also think that the whole "bringing all humans to the same level" scheme was pretty inventive.
But the beginning is *rough*. The fight scene was too fast and it turned me off initially. You might lose readers before they get to the meaty bits. Spend some more time at the party and on the showdown. It will probably be difficult to do without giving away the twist, but general adjectives (like athletic, hairy, enormous, etc) can be used to great effect. Show some more interaction between the protagonist and the other guests in addition to the (first) villain.  Also, might I suggest putting the party scene in present tense? It might go over better when its in a more active voice.
Just curious: how big are these spiders anyway? I assume the grandmother was smaller since she was able to give birth to so many, but how much have they grown in the course of their evolution?

It sure took me a long time to get to this story - but I'm so glad I did, in the end. I loved the trick you pulled here. A lot of the technical side has been commented on. I'm on board with the 'tightening' comments, but not the 'unpacking' ones. I think the simple prose you use works well for your narrator - to someone who has no clue who/what he is, the first scene reads as being told by a barbarian. If you introduce extra details there in order to paint the scene better, I'd err on the side of under-telling, just to be sure you don't spoil things too early. Agree with Kate's 'present tense' suggestion - it creates more immediacy.

I'd say that the trickiest bit to work on is the exposition dump on humanity. This is where your choice of narrator makes telling things exceedingly difficult, because you have to constantly question exactly how much a spider would know and understand, what words it would use to describe things, etc. - while at the same time telling enough for the reader to understand (in my own story, I settled for describing nuclear explosions in terms of clouds, and received some complaints about ambiguity - and that's even with my narrator being humanoid).

Adam's choice of the favourite line from the story, ("If you’re aiming to wipe all life forms from the face of the Earth, it is important to check that my Great-Great-Great-Great Grandmother isn’t hiding in the corner") would have to be my favourite as well. In one sentence, you infuse your narrator with so much personality - awesomely done!

As a whole, I loved it, and I tip my hat to you for pulling this not-quite-bunny out of your hat. Thanks for posting this!

Maria