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Liana's picture

Night Thirst

By Liana in Scare Us

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This is the revision of my story Thirst, with a slight change of title becuase of a similar title that is posted here. Also, the final version has tried to address the first two comments I got here, so I hope it makes more sense now.

My first version had some comments talking about the story being somewhat confusing. I hope I made it less confusing, but I don't want to spell out everything from the beginning, or else I'll lose much of the suspense that I tried to create. In any case, this is the final version for contest purposes.


Shawn I.'s picture
Shawn I. from New York is reading Important Things That Don't Matter July 31, 2012 - 8:59pm

Sorry you felt the need to change your title on my account. Anyway, very intriguing premise. I like the cryptic style and haunting tone but I had to read it twice to really feel like I got it. Even then I was still left wanting to know more, about the narrator and his connection to the house and the underlying rage. I felt like there was a more personal humanity to the character lying just below the surface aching to get out. Any thoughts of expanding it into something larger? Maybe this is a bit nitpicky or perhaps I missed something but I was still a little confused by the narrator ability to leave the house while being one with it. Seemed to be a sort of waking dream. Still, a good read. A lot of the intrigue is in the unknown so I guess answering every question could take away from that. Thanks.

Liana's picture
Liana from Romania and Texas is reading Naked Lunch July 31, 2012 - 9:20pm

Thanks for reading it! I'll try to get to read its namesake soon - I just thought it was funny that we both came up with that title.

I see what you are saying, that it's confusing why he's outside the house but still inside. At the end, I give a hint that he was still not fully awake the whole time, and when he finally opened his eyes, he could see where he really was, and what he really was. But maybe I need the hint to be more explicit, since it's the ending anyway and no point in keeping it too mysterious by then. Well I'll try to include something to that effect before it's too late (for contest purposes). Maybe later I could make it longer if I can think of some directions I can go with it.

Shawn I.'s picture
Shawn I. from New York is reading Important Things That Don't Matter August 1, 2012 - 5:55am

The more I think about it, I wouldn't go any further in explaining the leaving the house as a dream. As you said, you do shift the consciousness of the protagonist at the end. And the fact that the environment outside the house is different, unexpected and somehow wrong also indicates what you are trying to achieve.

Jonathan Riley's picture
Jonathan Riley from Memphis, Tennessee is reading Flashover by Gordon Highland July 31, 2012 - 9:31pm

I didn't read the first draft. I was a bit confused by this one. But i think i get most of it. It would read easier if the dispatch sections were written in italics or bold type. Something to.seperate it. I think you have a great origanal monster. Wish i knew how cop and house intertwined. Maybe i missed something. It was a good read. I give a thumbs up. I think it ends well at "to give me life" the rest seems a little like you are explaining the title. When youve already done a great job to make it clear that your monster is thirsty. Thanks for sharing your work
--Jonathan --

Liana's picture
Liana from Romania and Texas is reading Naked Lunch July 31, 2012 - 9:38pm

Thanks Jonathan! I think I'll play a bit with italics, for the final version, since the time hasn't expired yet, but I won't repost it separately. I'll see if italics work...

saintkeeley's picture
saintkeeley from Baltimore is reading Either/Or August 1, 2012 - 11:34pm

Great story.  I enjoyed where it went at the end.  One thing you might consider is taking the second person out of the beginning when the narrator is describing his sleep and just let the narrator describe it.

Liana's picture
Liana from Romania and Texas is reading Naked Lunch August 2, 2012 - 10:20am

Thanks for the suggestion. I'll take a look and see if it helps.

Emma C's picture
Class Facilitator
Emma C from Los Angeles is reading Black Spire by Delilah Dawson August 6, 2012 - 2:09pm

I enjoyed watching the two sides of your character move closer together as he succumbs to whatever's taken him. There is a nice dreamlike quality to the whole thing. I thought it was interesting how a scream is what satiated him each time, and wondered what happened to the victims but was glad you didn't elaborate and break the spell.

The description of thirst made me think of an article I read recently on rabies, which makes victims thirsty but unable to drink water. 

Thanks for sharing this!

Liana's picture
Liana from Romania and Texas is reading Naked Lunch August 6, 2012 - 9:11pm

Thanks, Emma! Yes, you're right, I remember that about rabies. Maybe I should play with that idea more. 

sean of the dead's picture
sean of the dead from Madisonville, KY is reading Peckerwood, by Jed Ayres August 11, 2012 - 12:49pm

At one point, this is a tough story to follow, but at the same time it's one that seeps in a little more after reading it and starts to make a lot more sense once you walk away from it.  At least, to me...

Of course, there are questions that linger for me, like what caused this transformation and is the personality that the main character is describing as his own truly his own, or just another part of the dreams?  But these aren't necessarily things that I need answers to, because the story does move itself forward well enough to let the mystery remain a mystery. 

I like the bits that are revealed throughout the dream state.  I like that the killings are symbolized as something else, but we are still shown that people have been killed.  The pieces are left separate, but enough is given for us readers to put those pieces together.

It's funny, the first time I read this story, I didn't get into it.  Why that is, I can't be sure.  But I'm really glad that I came back to it.

Liana's picture
Liana from Romania and Texas is reading Naked Lunch August 11, 2012 - 8:49pm

Thanks Sean, I see what you mean. I know I could have come up with more of an explanation for why he became the way he is, but all the ones I thought of would have made it more trivial, somehow. So I decided to leave it a mystery. Thanks for reading it a second time!