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Shawn I.'s picture

Thirst

By Shawn I. in Scare Us

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Description

A summer drought has everyone on edge and something on the hunt.

Comments

Jane Wiseman's picture
Jane Wiseman from Danville Virginia--now living outside of Albuquerque/in Minneapolis is reading Kindred, by Octavia Butler July 31, 2012 - 8:10am

I like this story and SPOILER ALERT like that the protagonist survives. In a lot of these stories (including mine!) nobody does. We're rooting for him, and it feels good when he prevails. I thought there might be a bit too much description for the sake of description early in the story. I love setting and description but I want it to be connected directly to the characters and plot. There's a bit too much "fine writing"--a word like "albeit," for example. But mostly I enjoyed your story very much.

Shawn I.'s picture
Shawn I. from New York is reading Important Things That Don't Matter July 31, 2012 - 9:16am

Thanks Jane. I really appreciate the feedback. Your point about the story being intro/descriptive heavy at the beginning is well taken. It did seem to drag out before getting to the meat of the story. I'm just getting around to reading other submissions. I'll be sure to check out yours. Thanks again!

Jane Wiseman's picture
Jane Wiseman from Danville Virginia--now living outside of Albuquerque/in Minneapolis is reading Kindred, by Octavia Butler July 31, 2012 - 9:21am

haha, you're probably going to see I have the exact same problem! Takes one to know one, and all that.

Liana's picture
Liana from Romania and Texas is reading Naked Lunch July 31, 2012 - 9:53pm

I think you have an awesome monster here! Very vivid, and yes it's a relief that he's actually killed at the end. I like your setting (something a bit Twin Peaks-ian about it). I do agree that the first part is a bit on the expository side, and it could use a bit of dialogue here and there. But the story is a lot of fun!

Shawn I.'s picture
Shawn I. from New York is reading Important Things That Don't Matter August 1, 2012 - 5:58am

Thanks for reading. Any comparison to Twin Peaks is a huge compliment! I'm going to rework it so that first paragraph is from Ed's perspective and go from there. Then I'll see about cutting out some of the superfluous local details.

Jonathan Riley's picture
Jonathan Riley from Memphis, Tennessee is reading Flashover by Gordon Highland July 31, 2012 - 11:24pm

This wa a good read. I'm not sure what your monster is and i think i like that in this one. You do have alot of front story that isn't relavent to the end. Trim it up a bit so that it flows better. I tend to do the same lol. Your protaganist lived. Everyone else kills theres or possesses theirs or infects it or just u hangin. I think you will find that if.you cut.unnecessary adjectives adverbs and prepositions that this story can say alot more with alot less. If that makes sense. Thank you for sharing. I enjoyed reading. --jonathan--

Shawn I.'s picture
Shawn I. from New York is reading Important Things That Don't Matter August 1, 2012 - 6:01am

Thanks Jonathan. I'm definitely going to thin out the front end and make it more personal to the protagonist and story. If you could give some examples of where you think the adjectives, adverbs and prepositions can be edited I'd appreciate it.

Jonathan Riley's picture
Jonathan Riley from Memphis, Tennessee is reading Flashover by Gordon Highland August 1, 2012 - 6:32am

I'm at work now. If i have time this evening when i get home ill show a few cuts tgat might smooth it out a bit.

Jonathan Riley's picture
Jonathan Riley from Memphis, Tennessee is reading Flashover by Gordon Highland August 1, 2012 - 8:13pm

This is my first attemt at this. See if this attachment helps you out at all.

Shawn I.'s picture
Shawn I. from New York is reading Important Things That Don't Matter August 2, 2012 - 5:26am

Thanks so much Jonathan for taking the time to do that. Some very helpful comments and ideas.

Shawn I.'s picture
Shawn I. from New York is reading Important Things That Don't Matter August 2, 2012 - 1:39pm

Here is my first edit. Still have work to do but I like the direction it is going.

Jonathan Riley's picture
Jonathan Riley from Memphis, Tennessee is reading Flashover by Gordon Highland August 2, 2012 - 5:14pm

I don't have time right now to read your 2nd draft because I'm trying to read as many storries as I can in the next two weeks. I have like 120 to go lol. But i did read most of the first page. The improvements you made are awsome. I love how you started with Ed right off the bad. And the sentences just flow much more smoothly. I look forward to reading your redraft in the near future.

 

--Jonathan--

leah_beth's picture
leah_beth from New Jersey - now in Charleston, SC is reading five different books at once. August 6, 2012 - 12:42pm

I like your monster - I *almost* wished to see it get away...like, maybe with the rain starting, it wouldn't need blood anymore, and it escaped to where ever it came from.

Ha!

But this was a fun read.

I do agree about tightening up the writing - I think Jonathan makes some excellent points above.  Good luck with future drafts.

Shawn I.'s picture
Shawn I. from New York is reading Important Things That Don't Matter August 14, 2012 - 7:57pm

Thanks. I actually wasn't sure who was going to survive while I was writing it. The scenario you mention was the other option. I've been working on a new draft I think addresses the issues raised here. I think I'm at the point where I'm over-thinking some things.

leah_beth's picture
leah_beth from New Jersey - now in Charleston, SC is reading five different books at once. August 15, 2012 - 6:42am

Haha re: overthinking things. Been there, done that.

Put it away for a couple weeks. Work on something else. Then come back - the answer's usually pretty clear by then.

Good luck! :)

Scott MacDonald's picture
Scott MacDonald from UK is reading Perfidia August 6, 2012 - 2:34pm

Liked this very much.  There's a Stephen King-ish quality to the small town terror and I'm glad that you let the reader make their own connections between the drought, the drying reservoir, and the disruption of the natural habitat of the creature.  I really thought you drew the characters well; a few short lines and I had clear images of both Joss and Skip, not just physically, but who they were and how they would act.  Very enjoyable.

Shawn I.'s picture
Shawn I. from New York is reading Important Things That Don't Matter August 14, 2012 - 7:58pm

Thanks for the kind words. Greatly appreciated.

Sancho LeStache's picture
Sancho LeStache from El Paso is reading Hunger August 6, 2012 - 8:22pm

I liked your monster a lot! It had a really classic Universal feel to it. I live in the desert, so I know what droughts feel like. They're kind of a monster on their own, so I liked the setting a lot too. Good story!

Shawn I.'s picture
Shawn I. from New York is reading Important Things That Don't Matter August 14, 2012 - 7:59pm

Thanks. I'm glad I was able to convey the whole drought atmosphere.

sean of the dead's picture
sean of the dead from Madisonville, KY is reading Peckerwood, by Jed Ayres August 11, 2012 - 4:05pm

@leah_beth, I completely agree.  I wished the monster survived too!  I feel like, with it dead, and the rains coming to end the drought, suddenly the story is just over.  No more, no possibility of a continuation, or a "whatever happened to...?" scenario.  I like the idea of a lingering fear; the monster is gone, for now...

That being said, I'll say it again.  Shawn, I really like your monster!  Well described, and while I saw it's path of destruction, it stayed hidden from my view until the end, which gave it a full-force introduction.  Nicely done!

I agree it was a bit too wordy here and there toward the beginning, but of course now, as I write this and scan over the other reviews, I see there is a 2nd draft in there.  So much for this review being accurate.  I could have, of course, just deleted my review I've written and read the 2nd draft, but I still wanted to get my idea across that I really like your monster!

Shawn I.'s picture
Shawn I. from New York is reading Important Things That Don't Matter August 14, 2012 - 8:02pm

Thanks. I'm glad you liked the reveal being at the end. I wasn't sure it worked. I was worried it would be a letdown that shortly after the reader really sees it, it gets killed.

Like I told Leah, I considered having the monster survive. Maybe it'd be worth writing a draft with that scenario for a comparison. Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment.