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Johnny-Andrew's picture

The Truth

By Johnny-Andrew in Scare Us

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Sorry for the english which is a little rusty at times - I wrote this in a rush because I just found out about this contest just 2 days ago ! Hope you enjoy!


Johnny-Andrew's picture
Johnny-Andrew from Suceava,Romania July 31, 2012 - 2:57am

DESCRIPTION : Victor , a suspended TV jurnalist , returns home only to find that his town is being awakened by strange deaths .

Jane Wiseman's picture
Jane Wiseman from living outside of Albuquerque/in Minneapolis is reading Look to Windward by Iain M. Banks August 2, 2012 - 8:30am

You've got some interesting ideas but I don't think the story is "there" yet. For one thing, you need to fix all the tense shifts. Abigger problem is that ( for me at least), the plot falls a bit flat. It's clear at the end what happened to the first two victims but not at all clear why the last death happened, unless for purely practical reasons. I guess the threat made to the narrator at the end supports this, but then that makes your monster seem somehow less creepy-- and much less righteous, assuming he's the avenging type of monster. Finally, one detail bothered me. Can you really die standing straight  up? Maybe you can, but I'd like to be able to visualize it better. Or did I misunderstand that detail?

sean of the dead's picture
sean of the dead from Madisonville, KY is reading Peckerwood, by Jed Ayres August 15, 2012 - 4:56pm

You already made a statement about the language, so we don't even need to bring that up here.

I think that you have the potential for a really good story here, but it needs to be written out, much longer and more detail.  We are missing some facts that will make these characters seem more like characters than just names.  Victor was suspended.  Why?  What kind of journalist is he?  Was he suspended because he broke the rules, or because he did something shady (which would also go far to increase the fear at the end).

Essentially, the "monster" is similar to a Charles Bronson/Death Wish vigilante.  I like that idea a lot.  But give us more details about the deaths.  Show us a little more.  Actually, show us a lot more.  

I really, truly think this story could be pretty cool if you write it more.  I think right now it's almost just an outline, but an outline of a story I'd love to read.  Good luck!