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Haha, the plot is so convoluted I had a hard time following it, I'm not sure the monster here really satisfies the rules of the contest ( but what a satisfying couple of monsters these are), and there are about a gazillion grammatical and/or proofreading errors, but I love the voice in this story so much that I had to give it a thumbs up anyhow. Please work on this story! It is a lot of fun.
thanks your advice means a lot!
I gave it a thumbs up because I thought the details of the setting of the story was unusual, and something about the historical tone was different for a horror story. But the plot was hard to follow, with too many characters, time jumps and so forth.
some revisions made as of current, thanks for your input!
there's the potential for a lot of emotion in this story, even though your narrator says its not a "sad" story (it's horror, but that doesn't mean it can't also be a drama), but you're rushing through it. The reveal that Keith is an incestous pedophile isn't given much time -- build up to it, make us wonder what his secret is, then lay it on us.
You can feel the anger in the narrator's voice.I love the repetition of "this isn't a sad story." It's like he's denying the truth of his own words, trying to force it to be simple. It makes it even more important that you contradict those words w/ some emotional weight.
I appreciate it!