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The Oculus
How It Rates
Description
O is a thirteen-year-old girl who has been silent since her favorite rabbit died and she discovered that with death comes the appearance a massive floating black circle she calls The Oculus. Now that her disinterested parents think she is mentally handicapped, they force her older sister to take her date with Chip. Then Chip and O's sister drag her along to a cabin over which O has seen a troubling cluster of Oculi. Can the sex-crazed teens last long?
Comments
Hey f. Simon,
This story was fast,consistent to its world, had nice characters (well, not nice...clearly driven?) and I enjoyd it. Stylistic, you clearly like parenthesis, which I found distracting, but know it can work for you too, sort of like David foster Wallace and his footnotes, bu I don't think you're being consistent with them - there were times I expected parenthesis (like during any of the similes) and other times I thought they we totally unnecessary, ( you could have just had another sentence, the parenthesis weren't really connected or explaining what had been written before).
this read like a piece from a largr work, which whether it is or isn't, I think is good praise. I don't need to know all about the Yaa family, what's presented is ple my, but there's also enough left to imagine what comes next, which I think is to your credit.
good job, hope this helps, thanks for writing!
Wil
Thanks. I appreciate the comments. It is part of a larger work, indeed. I struggle with short things, so I always struggle with these contesty type things. I tried to make it as tight and stand alone as I could but it's much much longer. The parenthesis are for look (Oculus, O, (), etc) more than meaning, so I'm still fiddling with them.
Hey f. Simon,
This story was fast,consistent to its world, had nice characters (well, not nice...clearly driven?) and I enjoyd it. Stylistic, you clearly like parenthesis, which I found distracting, but know it can work for you too, sort of like David foster Wallace and his footnotes, bu I don't think you're being consistent with them - there were times I expected parenthesis (like during any of the similes) and other times I thought they we totally unnecessary, ( you could have just had another sentence, the parenthesis weren't really connected or explaining what had been written before).
this read like a piece from a largr work, which whether it is or isn't, I think is good praise. I don't need to know all about the Yaa family, what's presented is ple my, but there's also enough left to imagine what comes next, which I think is to your credit.
good job, hope this helps, thanks for writing!
Wil
Really liked this. You're style is unique and bold, and creates tension and disorientation, but absolutely kept me reading. The use of parenthesis was inspired and gave the whole text a very multilayered feel. The characters had really nice touches of the surreal and the setting had a brilliant strangeness. I read your earlier comment that this is part of a much longer work - if it's ever available I'd love to read it.
Sorry it took so long to reply. I seem to only log on for writing challenges. Thanks for the comments. The second part of the story is available here (Collective Exile is a lit mag I help edit, so feel free to submit--we need more fiction submissions). The rest should be available soon, maybe, if I'm still allowed.
http://collectiveexile.com/the-obligated-men-part-1/
Part two is now up:
http://collectiveexile.com/the-obligated-men-part-2/
Part two is now up:
http://collectiveexile.com/the-obligated-men-part-2/
Out of curiostiy, have you ever used or looked at LISP? This story has some definite Lovecraftian elements to it that caught my eye. The names seemed a little odd (Just how large was this family, being primarily letters. Primarily, I'd say this needs a copy edit but good job!
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