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RichardJtann's picture

The Key

By RichardJtann in Scare Us

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Description

Have you ever been on a blind date?  A date that filled you with hope for endless possibilities? Things don't always go the way you wish, but for Paul one date can turn out to be the worst he has ever had.  After this date, the last thing you'll ever worry about is ending the night with just a kiss. 

Comments

Colton Adrian's picture
Colton Adrian from Williamsburg, VA is reading a book about souls July 22, 2012 - 8:14am

Sounds like one of my ex's... Kept me hooked, though a little confused about the key itself.

Brad's picture
Brad from Australia is reading Speculative Fiction Quarterlies July 23, 2012 - 6:33am

This story has potential but needs some polishing and more proofreading.

I think this fits the category of a monogamous story. That is, there's only two characters and other than their relationship with each other there seems to be nothing else going on. There is the father stuff (he should tell this stuff to her, possibly, instead of just infodumping out) but other than that it's just a quickly escalating interaction.

I think you could do more showing and less telling, and give us more of a world instead of this kind of vacuum it all happens in.

I like the plot, don't need to change anything about that.

Hope this helps, good luck!

RichardJtann's picture
RichardJtann from Atlanta, Ga is reading Kane Chronicle- Rick Riordin July 23, 2012 - 10:29am

Thank you!  I actually think fleshing it out might be a good idea.  I was trying to keep it short but perhaps more interaction between the girl and guy would be a good idea.  Thanks again!

 

Richard

Wonder Woman's picture
Wonder Woman from RI is reading 20th Century Ghosts July 25, 2012 - 9:14am

This story definitely drew me in. I think you have a solid plot in a creepy setting. I enjoyed the descriptions of the coffee shop and the old house, but I'd like to read more dialogue between them. Maybe Paul's friends who set up the date might comment on her changing him or something, but just something more. I do get that these are his thoughts about what happened, but I'd love to hear more about the key (even though it seems it's just the key to this room of horror he's stuck in). 

Overall, I enjoyed the story. Good luck!

Anthony McArthur's picture
Anthony McArthur from Georgia is reading The Talisman July 27, 2012 - 7:03pm

Your story does have a good deal of potential and I enjoyed reading it.  Thanks for sharing! I can see you put a lot of work into it. I do think though that it needs some work to tighten it up. The guy to me is believeable to an extent, and in the end I also think he almost deserved what he was (soon) to be getting. I also agree with others on the technical details. 

One issue that I have with the story is that your "monster" doesn't seem to fit in with the submission guidelines. She is a monster, for sure, but a human one that fits into the serial killer model. Maybe, if you wanted, you could add a line or two when she touches the key when they are in the room--have her change into something more than human. Just a suggestion.

Overall, a fun story that I enjoyed!