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Callum Thomas Ford's picture

The Black Creeper

By Callum Thomas Ford in Scare Us

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Description

In the back streets of Tadcaster, a young couple are terrorized in the night by a black goblin-like creature with a wicked appetite. A horror short story.

Comments

Karl Dodds's picture
Karl Dodds July 30, 2012 - 4:24pm

Awesome, not gonna say much else because I don't wanna spoil it for others. Got a nice image in my head of The Creeper, nicely detailed. Very good stuff!

Jane Wiseman's picture
Jane Wiseman from Danville Virginia--now living outside of Albuquerque/in Minneapolis is reading Kindred, by Octavia Butler August 1, 2012 - 4:20pm

Very interesting story with a fun twist at the end. I wish it had been a bit more cartoony, though, because the realistic characters kind of clashed with the monster story.

TigersMS's picture
TigersMS from Australia is reading House of Leaves August 2, 2012 - 8:44pm

Not too bad at all. However, there were perhaps too many characters for a short story. Working with word limits is tough. Personally you could've upped the violence at least in description, to give it some real bite. Very entertaining though!

Regina Peacecraft's picture
Regina Peacecraft from the Philippines is reading Android Karenina August 7, 2012 - 3:19am

Excellent ending, *SPOILER* good cliffhanger with Joe and the headlights, and I liked the scene where everythings supposed to be okay but then the monster suddenly comes back for Joe. All in all the story was fun to read. Just check on some of the typos and errors in grammar. 

OtisTheBulldog's picture
OtisTheBulldog from Somerville, MA is reading The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz August 14, 2012 - 7:10pm

Fun little story, almost reminds me of a quick little episode from Tales from the Darkside or Monsters or something of that ilk (the glut of half hour monster/horror type shows from the 80s). As I grew up watching those shows, I dug this story. Good descriptive language of the creeper. Good action scenes. 

Fun read. Thanks for submitting.

Jason

Ethan Cooper's picture
Ethan Cooper from Longview, TX is reading The Kill Room, Heart-Shaped Box, Dr. Sleep August 17, 2012 - 11:42am

**spoilers**

Thanks for writing this. I enjoyed reading it. I really appreciate that you have an ending (not a happy one, but an ending--and one that ties back to early information).

You're like 75% of your way toward a complete TV episode here--Tales from the Darkside or something. I like the overall plot, though it could use some tightening. I think you might be better served by actually showing us the scene with the other boy right at the story of the story. I wanted more understanding of his frustrations/anger at being turned down.

I'd also consider making the end scene from Jack's POV. This would let you get inside his head--let him express some emotion--perhaps a resolve to try and woo the girl some more.

I'd take a 2nd draft pass through your grammer, spelling, and sentence structure. Take a good look and make sure everything flows like you think it should. Sometimes you're telling us what happened, instead of just showing us: (eg. "There was something wrong with her little boy...")

Good work, keep at it.