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Andrew Kelly's picture

Taken From the Other Side

By Andrew Kelly in Scare Us

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Description

A bit by the badness bunking beneath your bed.

Comments

Jane Wiseman's picture
Jane Wiseman from Danville Virginia is reading The Iron Council, by China Mieville July 14, 2012 - 9:29pm

This was really fun. I loved all the alliteration and puns and other wordplay. It's hard to say which was my favorite moment--I think "tween 'tween." The whole tale is a very ingenious characterization of some sort of devil or ghoul on his own terms and in his own language. Delightful!

Emma C's picture
Class Facilitator
Emma C from Los Angeles is reading The Warehouse by Rob Hart July 18, 2012 - 12:09pm

The alliteration here is so bouncy and fun, even though what the narrator is actually saying is dreadful. The concept of a moster with a job/territory is a great one and I was intrigued by the snippets of the characters it haunts- the descriptions are brief but I really got the sense of all the different personalities (and their toeses). I always knew the monster under the bed wasn't just after the kiddies.

 
Shawn I.'s picture
Shawn I. from New York is reading Important Things That Don't Matter August 3, 2012 - 6:28am

Fun read. The alliteration was great. It didn't feel forced at all and good use of rhyme as a supplement. A few things I would offer:

The third paragraph (about Charlene) is a bit light on the alliteration compared to the rest. It stood out to me.

The whole five times thing was a little confusing.

Last paragraph on page 2, second to last sentence, may I suggest adding foe or feast after friendly.

On page 3 you have the word deviltry. I think the t can go.

Page 4, I think the paragraph that starts "Too bad your brother's..." could be stronger. I think banging works better than bonking, although you do already use the word banging at the end of the paragraph. The repetition of 'too busy' so close seems off. Maybe you could say something like "basking in blowing another butt-pirate". And lastly, the use of bobbing then bob to describe two different things doesn't work for me. You're saying he's too busy bobbing to bob. How about to mix it up something like, "He'll be too busy bobbing up and down to bemoan when I go berserk and break your back."

 

Hope this helps. Great job.